I used to tell my wife that I envy her job. Before I leave for work every morning I think about how I would rather be the one in our marriage who stays home and takes care of the kids. The one that gets to spend more time with them. Shorty though tells me it’s a lot harder than it looks and so in the past months I tried off and on to do the things that she does as a mother.
Here’s what I did and how it went:
1) Being the one to feed my 20 month old toddler at restaurants.
At most meals out, here’s how it works. Fighter sits in a baby chair next to Shorty and Shorty feeds him while eating her own food. I would then be busy talking to our guests and towards the end once Fighter’s done I would carry him away from Shorty so she could finish her meal. Sounds easy right?
Expectation:
What I decided to try one day was to be the one to feed Fighter while eating a meal. My thought process was really simple. Take a spoonful of whatever it was I was eating and while I was chewing my own food, feed Fighter his. Multi-tasking at its best. Whoever said men can’t multi-task.
Reality:
Fighter does a lot more than eat on his baby chair. He grabs the nearby fork and waves it into the air before almost jabbing it into his own neck. When I take the fork away from him he screams out of anger. Then I tell him off and he cries and a crying baby doesn’t want to eat no more.
If he’s not playing with sharp metal objects he’s playing with his food. The area beneath his baby chair becomes a mixed buffet of whatever he was eating. He grabs his food, throws it on the dirty dinner table and then picks up again and then tries to put it in his mouth. Fortunately I do a Matrix-worthy leap and stop it. He cries again.
I then resort to the worst case scenario. Bringing out the iPad and hypnotize him with Pink Fong while I feed him comfortably. In the brief moment of peace I reflect at what a lazy parent I am… resorting to the iPad once again.
2) Waking up in the middle of the night to my crying 3 month old baby girl and tried to comfort her back to sleep
Expectation:
3 month old Penny wakes up and cries. Probably hungry. I just feed her some milk and/or change her diaper then put her back to sleep.
Reality:
I’VE DONE EVERYTHING AND SHE’S STILL CRYING! WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!?
I rock her and go “shhh”. It doesn’t work. So I shush harder until my “shh” becomes “SHHH!!!!” sounding almost like a vulgar slur. I then take her for a walk around the room. Twenty minutes in and I feel like i’ve done a marathon and Penny’s still screaming.
Shorty wakes up and decides to take the crying Penny of me.
My heart says “TAKE HER TAKE HER!!!!”.
Shorty holds her for 5 seconds and all I hear thereafter is silence. I go back to sleep. Mission failed.
3) Spending an afternoon babysitting both my kids
Expectation:
Okay I’ll just put Fighter in his playpen. Penny in her moses basket and I’ll kick back and watch some TV with a beer in hand. A lazy Sunday afternoon. Nothing much to it.
Reality:
Fighter stop touching the shoes on the shoe rack!! NO NO NO DON’T PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR MOUTH NOW AFTER YOU’VE TOUCHED THE SHOES!!!
NO KEEP AWAY FROM THE STAIRS…. DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH THOSE SCISSORS! Shit… Penny is crying from all the shouting. I gotta go carry her… FIGHTER NO! DON’T EAT THAT!!! Okay okay.. stop crying Fighter… Daddy didn’t mean to scold you… I was just…. Penny stop crying too ok? I wasn’t talking to you.
*phone rings*
WHO IS CALLING ME AT THIS MOST INCONVENIENT TIME!!!
4) Changing my toddler’s diaper at malls
Expectation:
Ah there’s a baby changing room. That makes things super easy. Just lay Fighter down, wash his butt, diaper cream, replace the diaper and all good to go. Imma try for a Guinness World Record for fastest diaper change ever.
Reality:
Why are you crying?! Why are you crying Fighter? Don’t you want Daddy to change your diaper? Would you rather have a dirty diaper all the way home? Stop crying and stop struggling ok? No stop kicking me!
NO… DON’T TOUCH YOUR OWN POO… NO!!!
NO DO NOT PUT YOUR POO COVERED FINGERS IN YOUR MOUTH NOW… IT’S GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!! PUT THE FINGERS DOWN FIGHTER!!!
NO DON’T RUB IT ON MY WHITE SHIRT EITHER!!!
Look… this diaper is going to get changed whether you like it or not. STOP STRUGGLING!!!
OK DONE DONE DONE!!!
Okay now lets go wash your hands. Wait what’s that brown thing on your pants…. OH COME ON FIGHTER! I DON’T HAVE ANYMORE PANTS FOR YOU!! It’s the Donald Duck for you now!
5) Burping a newborn baby
Expectation:
Burp Penny and then put her to sleep. Done deal.
Reality:
Ahh this has gotta be the easiest of all. Just 10 seconds and I got myself a burp. This is too easy really. Too easy.
OH CRAP CRAP SHE PUKED. Ahh it’s all over me!! TISSUE TISSUE!!! Why you crying miss?! Did I puke on you or did you puke on me?!
Ok you wait here for a while. Let me go change my shirt now.
Okay all changed now. Why you making so much noise? Do you still have gas in your tummy? Ok let me try burp you again. HA HA… 5 seconds burp… a new record! Wait what’s that….
ARRGGHH NOT AGAIN !!! I JUST CHANGED MY SHIRT!!!
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At the end of all this. I think I’ll keep my day job as a working dad.
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space