#125

Me: Shorty Shorty come I tell you a joke I just heard!!!

Shorty: What? What?

Me: Okok… when three people have sex together its called threesome right?

Shorty: Ya…

Me: Then when it’s two people, it’s twosome right?

Shorty: Ya…

Me: Then what do you call……

Shorty: *interrupts* Someone who uses hand? HANDSOME LAH!!!

Me: …. eh how you know?

Shorty: Old joke already la this one. Heard it so many years ago!

Me: Ohh… *looks down*

Shorty: This fatty ah ! So out of date huh

#122

Since we watched the musical Les Miserables, Shorty has been off and on reading the novel Les Miserables. She normally finished full novels in a matter of days but Les Miserables took her much longer than that because she said it was difficult to read. Being a book that was written some 150 years ago or so. So last night at dinner…

Me: So… gave up reading Les Miserables already?

Shorty: No… I finished it already.

Me: Oh really? How was it?

Shorty: Basically the ending is really sad la. Unlike the musical, in the book Marius actually drove Valjean away from Cosette after he learned about Valjean’s past. So Valjean knew he was not welcomed and for the sake of Cosette just stayed away. Then he began to fall sick and was dying one day when Thenadier showed up at Marius’s house and told him the truth about Valjean. And Marius later realized that Valjean was the one who saved him from the barricade. So Marius and Cosette rushed to see Valjean but he was in his last few moments by then. So he dies…

Me: But before he dies he gives Cosette a letter right?

Shorty: Hmm I can’t remember… *pulls out kindle*. Nah why not you read the last chapter. It’s quite nice.

Me: Ok… *starts reading*

Shorty: *peeks over* HAH… not so easy to read right? “Thou art here!”.

Me: What? Thou art means you are here what. Wah think your husband is an idiot huh!

Shorty: Haha nono but the rest of the book was hard to read. It can spend one whole chapter to describe a church.

#123

Shorty and I take turns to drive sometimes. When she drives I control the music in the car and when she drives she controls it. We both have a DJ name for ourselves. I call her DJ Shorts and she calls me DJ Fats. So just today, Shorty is driving…

Shorty: Ok DJ Fats! Play the music.

Me: *plays Party Rock anthem and sings along* SORRY FOR PARTY ROCKINGGGGG…. untz untz untz untz untz untz

Shorty: Change it please.

Me: What what’s wrong?

Shorty: Something without a beat please.

Me: Ok… I know just the song…. DJ FATS IN THE HAUSEEEEE YOOO… *plays the following song*

Shorty: Are you just trying to irritate me?

Me: HAAHAHHAHA

Shorty: Why? Who composed this song and why would he even do it?

#124

At lunch today.

Shorty: Wanna go to North Korea fats?

Me: Hmmm let me think about it… how about No?

Shorty: Why not? Will be so adventurous. And we don’t need a visa to go.

Me: Ummm… no.

Shorty: Why? They organize guided tours so you’re all protected and all. Even the Google boss… what’s his name.. Larry Schmidt….

Me: ….

Shorty: Larry Schmidt went with his daughter. It’s Larry Schmidt right?

Me: ….

Shorty: So if Larry Schmidt who has so much to lose can go.. why can’t we?

Me: First of all. There is no Larry Schmidt. The ex CEO of Google is Eric Schmidt.

Shorty: Oh haha okok… and there’s a Larry in there somewhere right?

Me: Yes… that’s one of the Co-Founders and current CEO Larry Page.

Shorty: Haha okok… ohh…. just now I ask you if the name correct or not and you didn’t say no.

Me: I didn’t say yes either. I just wanted to see how far this will go.

#120

Brought some of the Nuffies to Lafite in Shangri-la for dinner. It was a reward dinner for some good work they did. At the end of it I got the bill:

Waitress: Excuse me sir do you have a HSBC credit card?

Me: Nope. Why ah?

Waitress: If you have a HSBC credit card you get 30% discount.

Me: WOW that’s a lot.

Shorty: I GOT I GOT! *takes out her credit card and gives to waitress*

Waitress: Thank you *walks away*

Me: Ok Shorty you pay first I pay you back.

Shorty: Ok!

Me: What’s your credit card limit?

Shorty: I don’t know. Think it’s about RM500, but should be ok lah. Why? How much is the bill?

Me: RM1,850.

Shorty: Ohh… boy this is going to be embarrassing.

Me: The waitress is going to come back with a rejected card and we’re all going to have to put on some aprons and do some dish washing behind.

Waitress walks back with the bill…

Shorty: Here it comes……. *covers head*

Waitress: Excuse me Sir. Sorry I just realized that the HSBC promotion expired. So there’s no more discount. Would you still like to use this card?

Me: Oh is it? Oh no no it’s okay.. I’ll use my own card.

Waitress: Certainly *takes card and walks away*

Shorty: Whew… dodged that one.

#121

Shorty and I were at the Nuffnang screening of Oz The Great and Powerful. It was a premiere and we were watching it before it was released in the US. So we had to deposit our phones before we enter the cinema and collect them back again after the movie. You know, in case someone tried to record it and release a bootleg DVD version of it. The only slight inconvenience of this process is that there’s often a queue to collect the phone once the movie ends.

Towards the end of the movie

Me: psst Shorty. Should we leave now before everyone else… and skip the queue?

Shorty: But the movie never end yet.

Me: Ending soon already.

Shorty: How you know?

Me: Aiyah the bad guy all beaten already mah…

Shorty: Nvm wait first.

Credits start rolling.

Shorty: OK GOGOGO !!!

Me: OKOK LETS GO LETS GO… HUSTLE HUSTLE…. *rushes from the back of the cinema to the entrance.

Shorty: HAHAHAHA (somehow when we’re rushing to beat the queue, Shorty tends to laugh.. I don’t know whether it is a laugh of excitement or an evil laugh of having beat everyone else).

Me: *reaches exit of cinema* WE DID IT! WE’RE AHEAD OF EVERYONE… BWAHAHAHA!!

Shorty: Shit shit Fatty I left the things I bought at Topshop just now at our seat.

Me: WHAAAATTTT????

Shorty: I have to go get it.

Me: Fine I wait here for you.

Waits for Shorty while everyone else strolls past us

Shorty: Ok got it lets go.

Me: Well Shorty… we might as well have waited for everyone to leave just now then. We’re now the last people. Why don’t we sit down and have a coffee?

Shorty: Haha sorry sorry.

Me: Now we gonna have to line up like everyone else.

Shorty: Ok ok ok …

Me: It was a good plan Shorty… wonderfully executed too if I may add.

Shorty: Hahaha

Me: Are the contents of the bag worth it? I was seriously considering leaving the bag behind.

Shorty: HAHA I thought about it too but I had to because our ticket for the phone collection is inside the bag.

Me: Great.

We were pleasantly surprised later on to find out that we got through the line really quickly. GSC and the movie distributor did a wonderful job in very efficiently returning the phones. Great job guys! Oh and Oz was an entertaining one adventure.

#119

Playing computer games in my study late some time after dinner.

Shorty: *shouts from the distant bathroom* FATTY!

Me: YEAH??

Shorty: HAVE YOU SHOWERED??

Me: NOT YET!!

Shorty: BETTER SHOWER NOW. NO WATER!!!!

Me: *dashes over to the shower while undressing in one single magical motion*

5 minutes later

Me: *comes out of shower wet* No water eh?

Shorty: Haha … really wan…

Me: So.. what did you do? Was taking a shower when you wondered to yourself: “Hmm… if I told Fatty that we have no water supply. How long will it take for him to get to the shower. (A) 10 seconds? (B) 20 Seconds or (C) 30 Seconds?

Shorty: It was “A” by the way. HAHA suddenly saw one naked man running past me.

Me: Ohh… so trick your husband huh for your own entertainment huh?

Shorty: NOO it wasn’t a trick. Really no water… like the water pressure getting less and less.

Me: Oh really?

Shorty: Ya really.

Me: Then how do you explain… THE ABUNDANCE OF WATER I JUST HAD IN MY SHOWER!!!

#116

Shorty is driving.

Shorty: Do I turn left or right?

Me: Right

Shorty: *turns left*

Me: WTF?!?! What did I say?!

Shorty: Oh sorry sorry… can’t tell left from right sometimes.

#117

Nuffnang had our 6th Birthday Bash on Saturday. Was an awesome event with a bunch of fun Nuffnangers, who all helped our event once again trend on Twitter. 

Anyway, at the event…

Friend: Hey Tim you lost weight ah?

Me: Why thank you! Hear that Shorty? From now on you should call me Thinny.

Shorty: What? No… still fat. Always will be my Fatty!

#118

Just after an acupunture treatment with our Chinese Doctor Gin.

Doctor: To exercise your muscle, get a stress ball and keep squeezing it to exercise your muscles.

Me: Oh ok.

*After Doctor leaves*

Me: Do you have a stress ball Shorty?

Shorty: No.

Me: *smiles at Shorty* HAHA

Shorty: What? Squeeze your own boobs. They’re big enough anyway!

Me: WHAT!

#113

Me: I’m actually pretty depressed about my sprained wrist Shorty. Can’t play golf for 6 weeks. Boo…

Shorty: You already know that you had a sprained wrist then you go play again. Then after that it got worse and you knew it yet you went to play even more. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for you or not.

Me: *sigh*

Shorty: Hmph

Me: You know since I’ve had this I’ve been thinking about what else I would sacrifice over golf. Then I thought, if you let me choose between whether to shag a really pretty girl or play a round of 18 holes golf, I would pick golf. That’s how much I love golf.

Shorty: That’s common sense. Why go for one hole when you have can have 18? HAHA

#114

Out of desperation to have a speedy recovery of my wrist so I can go back to playing golf sooner, I resorted to Chinese medicine. Was in bed when Shorty had just boiled some of the herbs for me.

Shorty: Tadaa! Here is your Chinese medicine. Blaarghh.. smells bad.

Me: Ok give it to me! *takes a sip*

Shorty: *watches diligently for my facial reaction*

Me: *cringes* Yuck.

Shorty: HAHA! How does it taste?

Me: Do you hear that sound Shorty?

Shorty: What sound?

Me: It’s the sound of my taste buds dying. They’re screaming “Aieeeeeeee”.

Shorty: HAHA what does it taste like?

Me: Like damn bitter la

At dinner with some friends later that night.

Me: So this Chinese medicine I’m taking tastes damn bad. Like damn bitter.

Friend: Maybe that medicine is for applying, not for drinking.

Me: ….

Shorty: ….

Shorty and me look at each other…

Shorty: No la no la it’s for drinking la!

#115

Having a steak dinner. My steak arrives.

Me: *looks at steak*

Shorty: What?

Me: *picks up knife with sprained wrist wrapped in a brace and clumsily cuts my steak*

Shorty: Aiyo aiyo so poor thing ok la I cut for you la!

Me: *takes photo to post on Instagram*

Ok before I start I want to tell you guys about a new favorite secret restaurant that Shorty and I have been going to. It’s called Osteria Realblue and its in Solaris Dutamas (next to Publika). It’s by an Italian with a Malaysian wife and they specialize in home made pasta. It’s one of these places that’s awesome but because it’s hidden nobody knows about it. I went for lunch there today and it was totally empty. It occurred to me that if I didn’t blog about them to support them they might shut down or something so if you want to try something different, check out Osteria Realblue.

My favorite dish is the Crespella with Truffles.

Ok on to today’s Things Shorty & Fatty Say…

#111

Walks into the room topless.

Shorty: Wah this Fatty so fat!

Me: …

Shorty: I wonder how this stomach got so big. Did your organs grow?

Me: Ohhh funny girl huh. What did you do? Think about this joke this morning when I was at work then waited all day before you used it on me?

Shorty: No no… it was a spur of the moment thing. Hahaha!

#112

Walking in Pavilion to meet Shorty so we can go home together. I’m walking really quick because I need to go to the toilet bad. Standing on the escalator I let out a silent fart. I then hear some high heeled steps climbing right behind me and see Shorty giving me a big smile as to say hello.

Me: Oh… found me then quietly sneaking behind me huh.

Shorty: Hehe… *pauses… sniffs sniffs* Fuk larr you fart again ahh…

Me: Hehehehe…

Shorty: *shouts* WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!?!?!?!

Everyone on the escalator turns to look at us. 

Me: *face turns red*

Shorty: *pinches her nose shut and smiles at me*

Me: *grabs Shorty and whispers*Ohh… like that la… call me out and embarrass me in public.

Shorty: HAHAH who ask you fart!

Me: I was just here alone minding my own business and then you came along into my cloud of fart. Not my fault!

Shorty: Still… Kempen Sopan Santun (Common Courtesy Campaign). Must call rude farters out in public!

Me: Ohhh use Kempen Sopan Santun on me la! The women in front now looking at me one kind.

Shorty: You should’ve thought about that before you farted.

Me: Can’t help it what… people fart!

#108

Went to the gym today with Shorty.

Shorty: Eh Fatty you take my bag with you la. Just use your locker so I don’t need to get another one.

Me: Ohhh ok… *brings in Shorty’s bag into Men’s changing room with me*.

After our session

Me: So I almost forgot to tell you. When I walked into the changing room with your bag there were two half naked well-built guys there. They noticed me carrying your bag and there was an awkward silence. I am never carrying your bag in again.

Shorty: HAHA….

Me: Of all the bags you could have brought today… of the many many bags you have. You had to bring this one.

Shorty: What? What’s wrong with my bag?

Me: It looks like a furball that’s what. I can’t think of a more feminine bag.

Shorty: What about my cat bag?

Me: I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

#109

Jogging on the treadmill

Me: *headphones on watching a movie*

Shorty: *suddenly appears next to my treadmill and stares into my soul*

Me: YEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *stumbles*

Shorty: …

Me: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU! You scared me!

Shorty: I’m done!

#110 

One of our Line Messages today

Disclaimer: Before reading today’s story, know this. Shorty and I throw insults, curse and make fun of each other all the time. We know each other well enough to take it very light-heartedly and we laugh about it. This is in no way how we talk to anyone else so keep an open mind when reading the following. The below has a bit of cursing so it’s probably 18SX/18SG.

#107

Sitting at my study table on my computer without my shirt on because it’s hot.

Me: WOAH!

Shorty: What what?

Me: Shorty you wanna see something?

Shorty: What?

Me: Oh wait nevermind maybe you shouldn’t see it.

Shorty: What what?

Me: Well just my fat. You wanna come see my fat when I’m sitting down?

Shorty: *walks over* OMAIGAWD!!!

Me: HAHAHAHA… I even have a line there that makes up a mini swiss roll kind of thing.

Shorty: What do you mean a line? LINES… many lines.

Me: HAHAHAH.. soon I’ll have man boobs too. Then you can grab my boobs.

Shorty: *in a given up kind of tone* F*cckkkkkkkk…. f*cking fat….

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Shorty: You fat f*ck.

Me: Well if my name is Fat F*ck. That makes you Audrey F*ck…. or Mrs F*ck HHAHAHA.

Shorty: Then you’re Mr F*ck what!

Me: Well that makes us… The F*cks. “The F*ck are coming over for dinner later”. HAHAHAH