So today Shorty and I took Shorty’s grandmother (Ah Ma) out for a little Christmas dinner at a restaurant called Thai Thai in Sunway Pyramid. Note that Ah Ma doesn’t speak English… only Hokkien so all the conversations involving her below actually take place in Hokkien but I’m translating it to English.

#56

Shorty: *helps herself to my serviette and wipes her mouth with it after dropping her own* 

Me: *STARES* Sccuze me? What am I supposed to wipe my mouth with now?

Shorty: Ohh hehe sorry sorry I thought you wiped your mouth with it already.

Me: Doesn’t that make it even more disgusting then that you take my used serviette to wipe your mouth?

Shorty: Oh ya hehehe.

During dinner. 

Ah Ma: Why no customers one this restaurant?

Shorty: Uhh Ah Ma from your side it looks empty. But look right behind you.

After dinner we walk around a bit and look at some watches at City Chain.

Ah Ma: Wah the watches all so big. (Ah Ma came from a time where the faces of watches were smaller).

Ah Ma: But big also good ah… easier to see the time. How much is this watch?

Shorty: About RM11,000.

Ah Ma: HAR?!?! Got diamond ah??

Shorty: No just a watch.

Ah Ma: SIAO! (crazy)

1 minute later

Ah Ma: *looks at the sales girl who’s dressed very tomboyish and with short hair* You think this person is a boy or girl?

Shorty: Girl.

Ah Ma: No he’s a boy.

Shorty: No she’s a girl Ah Ma. See how small size she is?

Ah Ma: Your Dad also small size but nobody thinks he’s a girl!

While waiting for an elevator.

Ah Ma: Wah this elevator door very big.

Shorty: Haha yeah.

After a few minutes wait.

Ah Ma: This elevator will come only when got many people here waiting with us.

Shorty: Huh? Why?

Ah Ma: Of course la! You think the elevator is going to come just for you ah?

#54

Chilling in our bedroom when suddenly I hear Shorty blasts this music in the next room.

Shorty suddenly marches into my room to the music.

Shorty: *sings* DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING… SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN! *sings*

Me: OI soldier! What is this price tag on your back?

Me: Been wearing this whole day also don’t notice ah!

Shorty: Oh hehe *shy*

Thanks for all the encouraging comments in the previous post guys. Totally motivated to do more now. Ok ok will keep Things Shorty & Fatty say up to #100!!

#52

Coming down an escalator, I hug Shorty and shake her side to side.

Me: My little Shorty… this little organism. *ruffles hair*

Shorty: Organism? You mean like an amoeba?

Me: No that’s a microorganism… I just meant any organism.

Shorty:  Amoeba… so I can just split and replicate. *pretends to be an Amoeba and wobbles around*

Me: This stupid Shorty ah…

Shorty: Why don’t you make like an amoeba and SPLIT!

Me: Haha funny girl.

Shorty: Why don’t you put an egg in your shoe and BEAT IT! HAHA

Me: Ohhh!

Shorty: Why don’t you throw your map away and GET LOST! HAHA

Me: Ohhh on a roll huh this Shorty?

Shorty: Why don’t you make like a tree and LEAF? HAHAHA

Me: Quite the joker huh this Short person. All this learn from somewhere or thought about it yourself?

Shorty: Some I read from somewhere and some I made up myself one.

Me: So annoying.

#53

Back at home reading more “why don’t you make like a…” jokes.

Shorty: Why don’t you make like a hockey player and get the PUCK OUTTA HERE… HAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHA

Shorty: Why don’t you make like a bird and FLOCK OFF!

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

#51

On the plane back from Bali.

Shorty: Fatty you want my cake?

Me: No thanks.

Shorty: Really?

Me: Yes… really! *annoyed*

Shorty: But I thought fatties want cake.

Me: Precisely why I don’t want it.

———-

PS: Wow just noticed I’ve crossed the 50 mark in Things Shorty & Fatty Say. In such a short time too. What do you guys think of it so far?

#48

Alone in our bedroom last night when I hear Shorty coming up the stairs. I run to a certain part of the room but before I get there Shorty opens the door. I freeze.

Shorty: What…?

Me: What what?

Shorty: Why you look so guilty?

Me: I don’t look guilty….

Shorty: Why!

Me: Nothing….

Shorty: Tell me! Why were you standing in the middle of the room!

Me: No reason…

Shorty: TELL ME!

Me: Okok… I wanted to hide behind the curtains but didn’t get there in time.

Shorty: HAHA this stupid!

#49

In the living room of our villa in Bali.

Shorty: I think I need to poop.

Me: Me too!

Shorty: NO I said first!

Me: Well good luck getting there first *bounces up from chair and starts running to the room*

Shorty: *follows running*

We both run to the toilet and whiz past my father.

Shorty/Me: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dad: OI DON’T RUN LIKE THAT YOU ALL!!! After you fall down.

*10 minutes later*

Dad: So who made it first to the toilet?

Me: I did *smug*

Shorty: Eeeeyer cheater!

Dad: You both ar… still behaving like children running around like that.

#50

Listening to this song this morning.

Shorty: Do you know where this song is from?

Me: From uhh.. Christmas?

Shorty: Christmas where?

Me: Merry Christmas Christmas?

Shorty: No… it’s quite new one this song. From where is it from?

Me: I dunno.

Shorty: The Grinch!

Me: SACRE BLEU I NEVER KNEW! I thought all Christmas songs just magically appear in our lives!

#46

At a wine shop waiting for my brothers and my dad to buy wine.

Shorty: Fatty how come you’re not very excited about alcohol wan ar?

Me: I also what! I bought this! *brings out bottle of Baileys*. Manly!

Shorty: Please Fatty… I drink Baileys.

Me: Well Shah loves Baileys too. See? Real men who are confident enough of their sexuality aren’t afraid to drink Baileys.

Shorty: Oohhh are you saying that your Dad and brothers are not confident of their sexuality? HOR HOR! *wags finger*

Me: You ah always twist my words!

#47

In the car some time ago.

Shorty: FATTY I NEED TO PEE!

Me: Okok we’re getting there.

Shorty: I think my bladder is going to burst already Fatty. I can’t take it.

Me: Ok la ok la this Shorty.

Shorty: Yes my Short bladder is going to burst.

Some time later.

Shorty: OMG Fatty I’m so hungry. I’m getting nauseas and I think I’m going to faint

Me: Ok ok we go find some food.

Shorty: I’m feeling weak.

Me: This Shorty ah no warning system in your body wan. Normal people gradually get hungry or gradually know that they need to pee. You just all of a sudden feel extreme need to go pee or extreme need for food and if you don’t get what you need in a few minutes you’re going to die. No middle ground wan!

Shorty: HAHA I don’t know why.

Last night after drinks with family

Me: *getting ready for a shower* … so you think what we talked about earlier was a good idea?

Shorty: Ah you go shower first. Talk when you finish.

5 minutes later

Me: *steps out of shower*

Me: *thinks to self* eh where is this Shorty… suddenly disappear… where did she go… hmmm

Me: *walks around room and finds Shorty tucked comfortably in bed*

Me: Look at this Short Person! So fast suddenly fall asleep with no warning! *ruffles hair*

Shorty: nnghrmmhrgnmm *grumble* So tired… can’t take it.

Me: You weren’t tired 5 minutes ago!

#43

We were touring a temple in Bali that was full of monkeys.

Tour Guide: Careful of the monkeys here ok? This morning 5 tourists lost their sunglasses and a cap to a monkey.

Me: Oh how many monkeys are there here?

Tour Guide: About 400 or so.

We come across a shade.

Tour Guide: There that’s a monkey there do you see?

Me: Uhh… *confused*

Shorty: *confused*

Tour Guide: There there over there!

Shorty: OH HAHA! *whispers* Fatty at first I thought he was saying this guy sleeping here was a monkey.

Me: HAHA yeah me too.

#44

Walking around the temple

Me: Aiyo Shorty everything you come near me you poke me with your umbrella! Can’t even stand next to you properly. Don’t hold your umbrella so low lah!

Shorty: I’m short lah!

#45

Shorty reading a racist joke on Reddit.

Shorty: How do you know an Asian has robbed your house?  You come back and your floor is mopped, your clothes are washed, your homework done and they’re still trying to back out of your garage.

Me: ….

Shorty: Why is it people think that Asians are bad drivers? Don’t they watch Infinity D?

Me: Infinity D?

Shorty: Yah that Infinity D…

Me: Initial D.

Shorty: Oh yeah haha.

#41

Back at room after some drinks with my family.

Me: I think I am red.

Shorty: *looks over* HAHA stupid looking ah this Fatty…  like a tomato. Tomato Tiah.

Me: … Oh shit I left my iPad downstairs. I go get it.

Shorty: The beaming red light is leaving the room.

#42 

We’re staying at this place called Legian in Bali.

Shorty: Do you know what Legian means?

Me: What?

Shorty: It’s french for le-gian…

Me: *puts on French accent* The French… the French have a bomb too. Ah… maybe they have the Michelin bomb, only destroys restaurants under 4 stars. (after a Robin Williams comedy stint I watched some time back).

#39

Shorty and I had to wake up really early this morning to catch a flight to Bali for a family trip. I woke up in our dark room first.

Me: Shorty… wake up *nudge*

Shorty: *ignores*

Me: Wake up Shorty. We need to leave in 30 minutes.

Shorty: *ignores*

Me: SHORTY! *nudges*

Shorty: YOU STEAL MY BLANKET LAST NIGHT UNTIL I GOT NO BLANKET!!

Me: *looks over* WHERE GOT? You’re so well covered what!

Shorty: I just pulled it back from you! *goes back to sleep*

#40

I need to give you guys a bit of a background before we start on this one. Now one of the things Shorty likes is when I tickle the palm of her hand with my fingers.

She especially asks me to do that when we’re watching a movie or just before she falls asleep.

So today in the airplane waiting for it to take off.

Shorty: Tickle me! *stretches out right palm*

Me: OK!  *tickles her ribs instead*

Shorty: Oh you think you’re funny huh? *tickles back*

Me: NU NU NUUuuuu *spasms from the tickling*

Shorty: HAHA why you spasm like that? You look like you’re having a fit.

Me: Haha no la no la…

*5 minutes later*

Shorty: Did you know that your saliva smells like asshole?

Me: How do you know that?

Shorty: Just lick your finger and smell it la.

Me: I know how my saliva smells like. I mean how do you know how asshole smells like?

Shorty: When you were a kid sometimes you scratch your ass then you smell lah…

Me: Well I never do that…

Shorty: Don’t bluff!

Me: No never.

Shorty: BLUFF!

Me: No never.

Shorty: *licks finger* Nah come smell my finger. *puts finger under my nose*

Me: *violently cocks head other way* I DON’T WANNA SMELL ASSHOLE LAHH!!!

*people in our section of the plane fall silent for a while*

Me: *whispers* Shorty. I think the guys sitting in front of us heard us.

Shorty: Yah… they must be thinking that I have my ass out trying to force you smell my asshole.