It’s great to a guy!

Why shouldn’t it be?

I mean guys can stand up and pee… girl’s can’t.

Girls have to go through the pain of child bearing, and all the guy has to do is play with the cute baby when it comes out!
If a girl were to sleep around, she’s a slut. If a guy were to sleep around, he’s a stud.

I mean how unfair is life for girls?

Well there are some plus points to being a girl, one of which I’m going to talk about now.

See… If you’re a guy… and you’re ugly… chances are there isn’t much you can do about it.

I mean we could try to dress well, we could go buy an Armani suit with Bally shoes but we’re still going to look ugly (in fact we’re probably going to make that beautiful suit look ugly) simply because… some of us just ain’t good looking.Now if you’re a normal-looking girl and you wanna look hot… you can always dress well and put on make-up.

But the one thing that you can put on that will make a HUGE change to your look are a pair of glasses.

Now I don’t mean a pair of black sunglasses like this because that’s just so yester-year and if you wear that indoors, you’ll end up looking silly.
I mean one of THESE big big glasses where it’s almost okay to wear indoors.So I decided to do a little bit of a test.

Last Sunday I dragged Samantha to Vincci in Gurney Plaza to buy one of those glasses.
She tried on a few glasses till I found a WINNER.

Then it was time to test my theory…

We went down to Gurney Place!

Now for those of you who don’t know what Gurney Place is.
Gurney Place is a small street full of coffee shops, cafes, and restaurants on both sides. I mean there is the Coffee Bean, Starbucks, Segafredos, Chillies… heck all the places where hip people like to go and pose.
Everyone there buys a drink and sits on the outside and watches as everyone else walks by. Guys watch chicks… and chicks watch guys.
So here’s the idea of the test.

Test 1: I was going to walk beside Samantha down that street without her glasses on and count the number of guys who check her out.

Without her glasses Sam looks like this.Test 2: I was going to walk besides Samantha down that same street but this time WITH her glases and count the number of guys who check her out.

WITH her glasses, Sam looks like this.Guess what.

In Test 1, I counted 4 guys who checked her out.

In Test 2…. 12 guys.
TWELVE FLIPPING GUYS!!!

THAT’S A 300% INCREASE IN GUYS THAT CHECK YOU OUT… ALL FOR RM19.99.

I can’t think of money better well spent!

It’s just… not possible! As unfortunate it is for us guys, this thing only works for girls.

Simply because only girls look good in big fat glasses like this that cover half your face. We guys look like idiots in them.

And if you were to wear any pair of sunglass and walk down that street. Hell you’ll either be called “A Poser” or “Trying to be cool“.

But if a girl wears those big big glasses and walks down that street.

Everyone is going to be
“Wahh!!! Hot hot hot!!! Sophisticated!”

So ladies… go and buy yourself a pair of those big big glasses and enjoy the attention!

It is Chinese New Year! Some of us love it… some of us hate it.

Those of us who love it… love it because it’s an opportunity for us to meet our long lost relatives in which we have so much to catch up on with.

Those of us who hate it… hate it because that means we have to go back to some secluded hometown and meet up with relatives that you never really shared too much in common with anyway.
For me… I enjoy visiting my relatives and friends but dread the times when I’m asked
“What internet business you doing? Why didn’t you want to be a lawyer or banker?”

And when I try to explain that I’m in blog advertising… I get a response like
“HAMIK?! Block advertising? Hamik lai? Can make money wan or not???”

And when I say
“Uhmm.. no not really..”

They’ll tell me
“Then what for you do?!?!?!”

But I guess all that still isn’t as bad as the occasional
“HAR?!?!? STILL NO GIRLFRIEND AR!?!? HAIHHH!!!!”

So whenever I go visiting, I try to sit down quietly and eat the yummy Chinese New Year biscuits or snacks like this.

I particularly love this.
Let me prove how much I love it.

When I first came… it was full.

When I left… all that was left was this.And the only reason why there were any left overs was because I didn’t exactly want to look bad for finishing it all off and not leaving anything for everyone else.

Anyway, a very common question among the young right after Chinese New Year would be
“What is the biggest Ang Pow you got this year?”

Most Ang Pows to me are like RM20 or if I’m lucky RM50 but to be honest, I never really bother to check who gives me what.

I’m just happy I get money just for saying “Gong Xi Fa Cai”. Money will never come any easier than that in life.

But since we’re talking about big.. how big is big?

I mean seriously… BIG is RELATIVE.

For me… a big Ang Pow is RM100… the biggest Ang Pow I have ever got in my life is RM1,000 but that’s one of a kind. Most of my Ang Pows are between RM10-RM20 or if I’m lucky once in a while I get RM50.So RM100 is BIG for me.

But if your family is filthy rich like if your grandfather owns Genting or something, you might even get Ang Pows in the region of RM10,000 or RM20,000 each.

And if you ever get a RM5,000 Ang Pow from one of your relatives you’ll go complain to your mum and say
“MUMMY!!! Aunty Susan only gave me RM5,000 Ang Pow this year!!!”

And your mum would probably reply
“WHAT?!?! Really? HMPH!!! Fine.. then next year I also don’t give her so much. I will give her ONLY RM5,000.”

So how big is big to you??

Ahhh computer games!

I grew up around computer games… and I wasted much of my childhood on them.

Even right now I occasionally have phases when I crave computer games… like recently I have a Dota craze (I know, like 20 years too late right?)

In some countries, excessive computer game playing among the youth are increasingly becoming a concern.

Heck in China, they even send some of their kids to computer game rehabilitation camp where they even go there just to play Paintball … to kinda help them get in touch with a real-life version of the Counter-strike they’re used to.

I remember watching that on the news once. Heck they were interviewing all these teenagers and it was really like watching a drug rehab camp. You’ll have teenagers saying
“Oh yeahh this is my 3rd time in Rehab after I relapsed again 2 weeks ago”
What’s so bad about computer games you might ask?

Well… watch this video that I saw on Aronil‘s blog.

Haha Hilarious!

Now whether or not the video is real or not… don’t matter! What matters is… some people really are like that.

Heck even I used to be minutely like that… I would slam the keyboard and shout
“SONOFABITCH!!! STUPID LAGG!!! CHEATER!!! AUUUUGGGGHH!!!!”

I just had a fight with Samantha today.

It all started like this….

One day she was over at my place for a while and just when she came over my brother popped his head into my room and said
“EH BRO… JOM DOTA!”
So what is a guy supposed to say in response to that?

On one hand there’s the fag way out; what some of my friend refer to as the WHS (Wai Hai Sei) way out and just say
“Kenot ler bro… my friend is here.. need to teman her”.

Or there is the MAN/GEEK way out and say
“OK JOM!!!”

So obviously I took the man/geek way out right?

Now I spend a few hours playing Dota (and losing)…. then I come back… Samantha is just blogging on her new blog.

So that’s fine right?

We chat for a bit, watch a bit of TV then she goes home.

A few days later, I decide to upload all the photos I had in my camera into my computer.

I had taken some early CNY photos of a reunion dinner and wanted to save it in my comp.

As the photos were uploaded into my Macbook, a slide show of pictures hit my eye.

SAMANTHA HAD CAMWHORED EVERYWHERE WITH MY CAMERA WHILE I WAS AWAY PLAYING DOTA!!!Now there’s nothing wrong with Camwhoring. Hell that’s just one of the advantages of being a girl. I mean we guys can stand up to pee… girls can CAMWHORE and post pics on their blogs and their readers will LOVE IT!!!

Seriously… name me one famous female blogger who has never camwhored!

Needless to say camwhoring doesn’t work both ways…

Hell if I posted some camwhore pictures of myself… half of you readers out there will reach for a bucket to throw up!

The other half of you would make a police report and have me arrested for scarring you for life with such horrible pictures.

You guys remember when I did this and scarred half of you for life right?

So anyway, camwhoring is fine and dandy… BUT YOU DON’T DO IT ON A DUDE’S CAMERA!!!!!!

That’s like… GIRLY-FYING HIS CAMERA CAMERA!!!

Before my camera was probably a big lion King of the Jungle.
NOW MY CAMERA IS A LITTLE HIPPO IN A TUTU!!!Imagine all that crap I’m gonna have to put up with now!

I’m gonna have to buy a skirt for my camera now… and she’s going to have FEELINGS.I mean the next time she takes a lousy picture and I say
“DAMMIT CAMERA!!!”

She’s going to turn around and say
“Why do you talk to me like that? *sniff* Do you know how that makes me feel?”

Then she’s going to start periodically asking me
“Tim… does this camera case make me look fat?”And I’ll be forced to lie and say
“Noo laahhhh!!! Where got???”.

ARRGGGHHH!!!

It’s all Samantha’s fault!

And you know what the joke was?

The instant I saw the pictures I said to Samantha
“YOU CAMWHORED WITH MY CAMERA!!!!!!!”

and you know what she said?

She replied
“Which ones are you talkin about? The one of my toe nails?”

THERE ARE MORE?!??! AUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

PS: GONG XI FA CAI EVERYONE!!!

Clarence Darrow, a Defence Attorney in the USA between 1857 – 1938 is known for saying the famous quote
“History repeats itself. That’s one of the things wrong with history.”Remember about 6 months ago when I scratched my cornea while rubbing my eyes and ended up not being able to open my eyes for a few days?

I also remember myself saying
‘WHAT KIND OF IDIOT SCRATCHES HIS OWN CORNEA WHILE ASLEEP?!?!”

Today, I have the answer to that question.
“The kind of idiot who will do it again…”

That’s right everyone, 6 months after scratching my cornea while sleeping…. I did it again and landed up not seeing one but two doctors and forced upon an eye patch.

I wasn’t able to open both my eyes again even though the injury was only on one eye (because like it or not, both your eyes move when you look around even if you close one of them).
There’s nothing more frustrating that having an eye injury because you can’t do anything but sleep and hope it gets better.

You can’t read, you can’t go online, you can’t blog you can’t watch TV…. you can just sleep.

So that’s all I did.. sleep sleep sleep until I couldn’t get myself to sleep anymore (I mean there are only so many hours a day that a person can sleep right?), so I resulted in taking a sleeping pill to force myself to sleep.

I learned something new about sleeping pills though.
The first time I popped one into my mouth I was thinking excitedly in my head
“Oooh ooh… this thing is going to knock me out any minute now… any minute now… any minute now … *20 minutes later* …. ahh phuck I’m still awake”!

Which is when I realized that it works if I just try to sleep rather than stay conscious of the fact that I just took a sleeping pill.

Anyway, I have had enough of scratching my corneas!!!

So I have decided to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

NO LONGER SHALL TIMOTHY TIAH SCRATCH HIS CORNEA FROM SLEEPING!!! NO LONGER!!!!

And the solution is simple.

The Doc suggested that maybe I wear an eye patch every time before I sleep to prevent myself from scratching my eyes.

I say…
“F*CK the sissy eye patches Doc… lets do things the MAN way”.

So I dug up an old motorbike helmet I had and ended up with this Arai one which is apparently bullet-proof.
Seriously… the man I got it from told me it really IS bullet proof and I’m not gonna question that.

The last thing do I wanna do is have him prove it to me by having him shoot me in the head while wearing it.

So anyway…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

NO WAY AM I GONNA SCRATCH MY EYES AGAIN NOWW!!!!!

Although this might really be in tomorrow’s paper.

BUT WHO CARES!!! I STILL WOULDN’T HAVE SCRATCHED MY EYES!!!

Hi everybody, Samantha here writing on behalf of Boss Stewie.

Two days ago, my boss got into a leetle accident. Nothing particularly serious but because of this leetle accident, he hasn’t been able to work, play, or even blog. All he can do now is lie in bed and wait to recover. If you know him, you can imagine that he’s a very very frustrated man right now.

I’ll leave him to tell you what happened to him when he gets back but he promises to be back in a couple of days although the doctor says it might take 3-4 days.

Get well soon, Stewie!

-Samantha

PS: Timothy has requested that I post a link up on his blog, something he has been planning to do but lost track of since his leetle accident.

This is in support of the petition from the recent bus crash that took the young lives of friends of his friends.

Pay a visit to Jolene’s blog for more details.

This is an Advertorial.

One of the joys I experience about working with Nuffnang is being able to give bloggers the right things somehow.

A few months ago, May Zhee sent me an SMS saying
“Tim… I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO BEG OF YOU!!! IT’S ABOUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE”.I replied her wondering what the hell could be so important.
“What what?”

And she said
“JAY CHOU IS COMING TO MALAYSIA IN FEBRUARY!!! PLEASE GET ME TICKETS TO SEE HIM!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!”.A little dumbfounded I said
“Jay Chou is not exactly my brother or childhood friend… what makes you think I can get you what you want?”

And she cheekishly replied
“You know a lot of people… I’m sure you can find a way!!!”

I put down the phone thinking that May Zhee is going to be soooo disappointed when she finds out that I can’t possibly help her with her love of her life… until the people at Mamee approached Nuffnang for an ad campaign to promote their “Be Funky with Funkees” contest.

To take part in the contest the participants are required to pose in the funkiest way with a basketball and a packet of one of these Mamee Funkees.Which actually tastes pretty nice.

So I first went to check out the “competition”: “Funky” poses that some of the other people did like this dude here.
Or these people

or even these two nice ladies.
Yet I had no clue as of what to do.

So I sat down in our office for a while and asked my colleagues what I could do.

Some of them suggested that I do a serious pose like this which was honestly a really really hard thing for me to do… you know… appearing serious.If you know me in person, I normally can’t naturally stop smiling for long.

Then they suggested that I do this.
Do you think I’ll win?

I don’t either.

SNIFF

If you think you can do better than me… go here and join.

Or if you’re too shy to take pictures of yourself and pose but still wanna try yourself at a chance to meet Jay Chou or prizes like an LG Flat TV, iPod, and T-shirts of Jay Chou’s upcoming movie Kung-Fu Dunk that will be out on the 7th Feb 2008, then just go buy a packet of Mamee Funkees and if you’re lucky you might see one of these winning cards.

The winner gets exclusive passes to the Kung Fu Dunk Uth FEST event at 1-Utama which starts at 10am this 2nd February 2008.

The event is set to have a fashion show by Converse, an auto show, a games booth by the Uth crew, a Kung Fu performance by Hapkune Do, a Street Dance performance by Street Fusion and most important of all, the winner will be seated as close as anyone in the public can get to Jay Chou.

Now May Zhee is lucky because Nuffnang is getting a few of those exclusive tickets to give to their Glitterati and she’s one of them so she doesn’t have to do the contest.

But unfortunately… I wanna go too but there weren’t enough Glitterati tickets to go around so… I’m gonna be eating Funkees for breakfast, lunch and dinner over the next 3 days and if I still don’t win then ish.. I’ll just go back to Penang and sulk or something.

Okay Valentine’s Day is coming up in about two weeks!

That’s it!!!

The one day in the year which mankind decided to have just to make single men and women out there miserable!!!

It’s like the married people or people in relationships go up to single people on that day and piss around them and say
“HAH!!! YOU ARE ALONE TODAY!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!”So anyway… to celebrate such a miserable day.. let me tell you all a sad Valentine’s day story from one of my friends that I heard of a long time ago.

Now let me name this guy John.

For Valentine’s Day some time back, John was still single. But John is one of those men you kinda wonder why he’s single. I mean.. he’s not undesirable or anything… well he isn’t good looking but he’s pretty rich, drives a nice car
and pretty smart. He went to a good university.

Just about 3 weeks before Valentine’s Day that year… John met Elaine. Now Elaine isn’t exactly one of the hottest chicks you will ever see… she’s not bad looking but the plus point was… she was very very cute.. She had big big eyes the size of dinner plates.
One day… knowing that Elaine might also feel a little sense of…. lonelyness during Valentine’s Day (having broken up with her previous bf about 6 months before), John decided to ask Elaine out for Valentine’s Day and to his delight she agreed.

The only condition was that she didn’t want to be too pressured. She didn’t want to be taken to one of those romantic candle-lit restaurants.

It was going to be their first date and she wanted something more casual.. like go to a cafe in a mall.

John was delighted and he really didn’t care if she wanted him to take her to Murni’s for Valentine’s Day… the fact was that he was going out with her.

On the day itself, John went to pick Elaine up from her home. On his way there he suddenly felt the small urge to run to the nearest toilet to take a dump but he didn’t want to be late… so he decided to hold it until at least after the date.

John had planned Elaine a few wonderful surprises.

He wrote her a nice card… not with fancy poems or anything, just a simple card with the words
“Thank you for spending the loneliest day of the year with me”.And bought her flowers because he believes that every girl should receive flowers for Valentine’s Day!

At dinner they picked a nice cafe in a mall, and sat down.

Just as he was sitting down, John kinda felt the urge to go to the toilet again to take a dump… but it was a horrible time to do so… not on his first date with this really really cute girl right?

So he sucked the crap in (literally) and tried to distract himself from thinking such thoughts.

Elaine enjoyed John’s company that night.. I mean… John actually has a pretty good sense of humour and she really enjoyed the little surprises he had for her. I mean they weren’t particularly over-romantic but just … nice.. and flattering to a girl.

Anyway… just about halfway through their dinner, John felt the urge again this time he felt his crap really close to the exit of his rear so he excused himself from the table, gracefully walked out of the cafe and as soon as the cafe was behind him he RAN LIKE FOREST GUMP TO THE NEAREST TOILET.
He reached the toilet in time only to find all but one of the cubicles there being used and the last one so polluted with someone else’s unflushed turd he couldn’t bear to do his business there.

So he clenched his fists and stood waiting for one more cubicle to open up.

After a few minutes, one of the cubicles opened up and John rushed into it.

He took off his jeans faster than a hooker could’ve done it and sat on the toilet. Less than a second later, he sprayed so much liquid crap out of his rear end the toilet any living germ inside the toilet must’ve thought it was in Niagara Falls.
John had a smile on his face… I mean there is nothing else more satisfactory than that sense of relief!

Soon enough, his work there was complete.

Business was done and now it was time to wipe his ass.

He looked around and to his HORROR he couldn’t find a roll of toilet paper in the cubicle.

He looked for the second best option, a HOSE, but there was only a tap and the tap was placed oddly enough that it wasn’t possible for him to wash his ass with it without a hose… not unless he was able to unhook his ass from his rear and handwash it himself.
He began to panic for a bit… and he considered his options.

He had his phone with him… but who could he call? He couldn’t possibly call any of his friends.. they won’t make it there in time…

Even worse… he could NEVER call his date… I mean how romantic will that be
“Hi Dear.. I’m taking a shit in the nearby toilet and I don’t have anything to wipe my soiled ass with… could you please go to Watsons and grab me some tissue?”
It was his first date and he wasn’t going to screw it up!!!!

So he kept thinking to himself.. think think think…

What could he wipe his ass with?

He reached into his pockets hoping for something but the only thing in it apart from his phone was his wallet.

He took out his wallet and that’s when he saw a way out.

He had just gone to the ATM before his date and he had plenty of paper in his wallet… by paper I mean money.. and by money I mean fresh RM50 notes. He didn’t have any RM1s or RM10s with him.

He counted his money to find out how many wipes he had.He had RM300 in his wallet, that’s 6 notes of RM50.

6 Wipes is enough to clean off his ass and lucky for him… he won’t have any money left to pay for dinner but he could use his credit card.

But the thought of wiping his ass with money disgusted him. It’s DISRESPECTFUL to do such things to money.

He decided that he was just going to wipe his ass twice… till it clean enough to rush out to the nearest Watsons and buy some tissue.

After his two wipes, it still wasn’t enough so he wiped another two times “spending” RM200 in total.

Then he put his pants back on and rushed out to Watsons to buy the biggest pack of tissues he could find and headed back to his cubicle to finish his cleaning job.
3 minutes and RM200++ later… he left the toilet relieved and walked back to his table where his food was cold and his date was waiting alone.

She looked at him walking back with a smile on his face and she asked
“Where did you go? Why so long?”

He said
“Sorry got a phone call…”

They finished dinner and John took Elaine home that night.

On his way home, John called me on my mobile
“YOU HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT I JUST WENT THROUGH!!!!”.
—————————————-

Two weeks from now, John will be celebrating his Valentine’s Day with his girlfriend: Elaine.

Elaine still doesn’t know what John had to go through that night just to keep a good impression of himself.

John now carries a packet of tissue paper with him wherever he goes.

Can you believe that this video is one of the most watched videos on YouTube today?

I mean… watch the 29 second video everyone.

Then someone please tell me in your own words what you think the video was about.

So anyway… I started thinking…. all it took for that girl to be famous on YouTube was… take a video of herself with her webcam and try to look cute by:

1) Looking at the camera and trying to act cute
2) Showing a peace sign
3) Coming closer to the camera then back away

She didn’t even have to say a WORD… and still she was one of the Most Watched video of the day.

This inspired me to get Samantha to do the same thing… I thought well… if it’s that simple.. I bet she can be famous too.

So we tried recording many many times over… and this is how it worked out to be (watch the first video first or you won’t have a clue what Samantha is trying to do in the video we made).

Last weekend, I was just having a slow relaxing day.

In the morning I woke up to go play some badminton with some friends. You know to lose some of the calories I put on from my recent addiction to Coffee Bean’s Seasonal drink Ice-Blended Caramel Hazelnut.
That has got to be one of the sweetest but yet most yummy coffee drink in Coffee Bean to date but you know what’s ridiculous about it? They only have it for a couple of months each year which is the most ridiculous thing ever!

Kinda reminds me of the McD’s Curly Fries. I mean.. we all LOVE curly fries right? And I’m sure I’m not the only one that wishes they had it all year round as opposed to just around the CNY period.

Anyway back to my Ice-Blended Caramel Hazelnut.
I ABSOLUTELY LURRRVEEE IT!!!

AND I DON’T CARE IF I NEED TO JOG TO TIBET AND BACK JUST TO BURN OFF THE CALORIES FROM THE CREAM… I LURVE IT!!!!
So anyway that Sunday morning, after badminton I gave my family my routine Sunday phone call. One thing I believe every man has to always never neglect is family. So I make it a point to call home as much as I can….

I shared with my family the new things in my life and a new development on Nuffnang that I can’t talk about yet.

They were happy to hear from me and we hung up the phone.

About 15 minutes later while I was driving to lunch, I got an SMS from my mother.

It said
“Gd to hear you’re making good progress on biz grapevine stay modest n healthy n fit dont want to see rolly polly biz man”

That’s right everyone.

My mum has promoted me from just being a “fat entrepreneur” to a “rolly polly” one.

So that’s what I am now… ROLLY POLLY!!!

As much as I wanted to reply the text with caps saying
“ARRRRRGGHHHHH!!!! I’M NOT FAT I’M JUST BIG-BONED!!!”.

I decided that it was no use fighting it anymore.

So I replied.
“Yes maam. Just played Badminton this morning so i lost some weight ok? Now going to eat nasi Kandar *rolly polly out*”

And that’s all from Rolly Polly today.

Have a good weekend everyone.