SMELLY BOLSTER… CHECK!

DORAEMON SLIPPERS… CHECK!!

NUFFNANG PAJAMA PARTY!!! HERE I COMEEEEEE

Since yesterday I have been having a really really terrible sore throat, so much to the extent that I’m even beginning to lose my voice.

Now being Timothy Tiah and NOT talking is difficult. VERY DIFFICULT. Trust me… why? Because a very important part of my work day is TALKING to people.

Not to mention I’m supposed to be at UKM tomorrow morning for this AIESEC EYLN Conference to give a speech. I wanna see how I pull that off.

So very bothered by this, I bought myself a box of Strepsils. Sore throat = Strepsils right? Good advertising by Strepsils.
Now I started popping them in like TicTacs because hey… Strepsils are sweets right? And you can eat as many sweets as you like especially and more so for Strepsils because well.. it was helping my sore throat.

I was happily popping them in and by the time 2 hours had passed, I had finished a dozen Strepsils when it suddenly dawned on me “Is there such a thing as a Strepsil Overdose”?Can’t be lah right.. I decided to read the instructions on the back anyway.

It said

“Strepsils is an antiseptic lozenge for relief of sore throat for children and adults”.

So I thought to myself
“Okay.. I’m an adult.. so that’s fine”.

It went on to say
“Dissolve a lozenge slowly in the mouth every 2 to 3 hours”.

So I thought to myself
“Well I suck on the Strepsils real slowly, well a lot more than one every 2 to 3 hours but bah what harm can it be?”
Then to my disbelief it said
“DO NOT EXCEED THE STATED DOSE”.

And I thought to myself
“WTF WTF?!?! WHAT STATED DOSE?!?!? ONE EVERY 2 TO 3 HOURS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I JUST HAD 13 IN TWO HOURS!!!!”

ARGGHHHHHHHHH

I’M GONNA DIEEE!!!!!!!!!

AUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!

GOODBYE WORLD!!!!

GOODBYE MY DEAR READERS!!!

Okay so early this morning I was at the National Eye Center in Singapore to see a specialist there about my eye.

Seriously you gotta love Singapore.

I mean they actually have a center JUST FOR EYES and they call it the NATIONAL EYE CENTER. HOW COOL IS THAT!I wonder what other body parts they have centers for.

You know… maybe a National Hand Centre, National Belly Button Centre, National Nipple Centre, National Peni…..

So okay I was getting consultation from the Doctor there when he said:

From the many other reasons why I suffer from a Recurring Corneal Erosion, one of the reasons is because… my left eye (which is the eye that always gets hurt), doesn’t blink.

Yes… you heard me.

IT DOESN’T BLINK!

As simple as that!

According to him, it’s because my eye doesn’t blink on a regular basis that it begins to get very dry being constantly exposed to open air hence causing my cornea to flake off a little bit when it’s dry hence requiring me to put a lot of eye drops.

and when I say a lot of eye drops I mean NIAGARA FALLS kind of a LOT.

Who thought blinking could be so important.

So well the Doctor layed out some for me to help cure my recurring corneal erosion. There were options that involved surgery and options that options didn’t involve surgery. Naturally I prefer the ones that didn’t involve surgery right.

And one of the options that didn’t involve surgery was for me to start blinking my left eye more often.

How hard is that! Imagine trying to remember to blink every 30 seconds of your life.

I tried when I was sent back to the waiting room and it didn’t work for me.Anyway I like to look at the positive side of things.

And here is the positive side of this situation.

First of all, the Doctor said that I need to blink my left eye more often right? He didn’t say anything about the right eye.

So when you blink one eye only… that’s… a wink right?

A wink is also another way for the male species to flirt with the female species (at least during the old days… now people just SMS-flirt).

So now say I go out and see a hot chick.
I’m not gonna hesitate to WINK at her.

And hey.. it’s a win-win situation for me.

First of all, if she takes my wink well and responds with another wink then I just got lucky.

But if she doesn’t and thinks that I’m some ham sap lou then I can just say
“Sorry… can’t help it.. Doctor’s orders!”.There’s like… NO downside to that!!!

Now I’m gonna go wink at as many girls as I can… any of you know any girls I can wink at let me know okay

I START WINKING TOMORROW!!!

Okay I’m getting some questions about some rumours going around that I’m going into politics thanks to my buddy Desmond here who made this entry.

And the truth is, Desmond was just joking lar… I’m not going into politics. I leave the running of the country to the more capable people.

Few of you may not know but for the second half of last week, I once again injured my cornea and was once again without my eyesight for a few days.

Fortunately for me I had already drafted out my previous entry on Mudah and all I had to do was ask someone to publish it for me so many of you probably didn’t know I was gone.

Well…. so it happened .. AGAIN.

This is the 3rd time I scratched my cornea in 8 months and each time I do it, I go through a lot of pain and lose my eyesight for a few days which is really great for catching up on loss sleep but really frustrating if you have plenty of work to do.

Clearly.. the helmet I wear to sleep really ain’t helping.So I went back to my eye specialist.

The minute I took my first step into his room he said
“AHH….. Mr Tiah… nice to see you again.”

I replied
“Yes Doc… this is becoming a habit. Do you happen to have one of those Coffee Bean kind of loyalty cards where I come for 12 treatments and get the 13th one for FREE?”The Doc laughed it away and got down to looking at my injury.

After 5 minutes of examining my eye, he said
“I think you suffer from this thing called a Recurring Corneal Erosion”.

Naturally my reply was
“Doc… English… please!”

and he went on to explain that my injury was really nothing to do with me scratching my eyes but more like a disorder where the outer layer of my cornea fails to attach properly to the underlying layer hence causing some kind of friction.

Anyway I wikipedia’ed “Recurrent Corneal Erosion” later on and found out.
Recurrent corneal erosion is a disorder of the eyes characterized by the failure of the cornea‘s outermost layer of epithelial cells to attach to the underlying basement membrane (Bowman’s layer). The condition is frequently painful because the loss of these cells results in the exposure of sensitive corneal nerves.

Painful eh??? YOU DON’T SAY!!!

Anyway as always I’m always a guy about solutions. Not about what happened before but what we can do to stop it from happening again so I asked the Doc
“Doc… so how ah? How to make sure I dun kena like this again?”

And you know what the Doc said?

He replied
“Oh you can’t.. it’s going to happen like that pretty often for the rest of your life.”

I let out a courtesy laugh after that… you know.. the Doctor just told a joke and when the doctor tells a joke.. YOU LAUGH. Simple as that right?

You know there was once a case where someone went for a Kidney transplant and the Doctor operating on him mistakenly removed the wrong kidney?

He removed the kidney that was working instead of the kidney that wasn’t.
Do you know why? It’s not because the Doctor is an idiot. Doctors are all smart.

It’s because the patient didn’t laugh at the Doctor’s jokes when he was telling it.

So when in surgery the Doctor decided to take matters in his own hands and when the shit hits the fan, all he has to say is
“Whooops… wrong kidney… sorry ah! They both look the same to me.”

Anyway back to my Doctor. My Doc replied
“Hey I’m not joking you know. I’m serious”.

What was I supposed to say to that?

If this happens say even 3-4 times a year, that means I’ll be out of action for say 16 days each year with certainty. Hell if I were working somewhere, I wouldn’t even have enough sick leave for me to take because of this!

And think of what my clients like Desmond here would think if I were MIA for so many days in a year.

Probably something along the lines of
“Mahaii… this Timothy always pretend that his cornea kena scratch to escape work. I bet now he’s not at the hospital but instead at some Strip Club enjoying himself.”

So I sat up from my seat and asked the Doc again
“WHAT?! So there is NOTHING I can do about this?!”

The Doc said
“Nope. Well we could do a surgery where we use a needle to poke your cornea or even scrape off your entire cornea and wait for it to grow a new one back… but even then it still might not solve the problem”.
I edged closer to the Doctor, looked him in eye and said
“So you’re saying… I can go through a surgery where I have you or someone poke my eye with a needle many many times to remove the entire outer layer, which sounds painful as hell to me… but even then it may not solve the problem?”

Tomorrow morning I am flying to Singapore… to see another Doctor there… for a second opinion.
—————————————————-
Updated

Hey after seeing the first few comments of this entry I think it’s drawing a bit of a somber mood. I am touched that you guys are concerned about me but at the same time this is not too big a deal okay everyone so don’t worry about me.

There are no long term effects of this, what this means is just that every now and then my eye will hurt and I won’t be able to open both my eyes for a few days while undergoing treatment. After that… like now it’ll just heal back again.
Like now.. see? I just took this picture a few minutes ago.

All healthy and all.. so don’t so somber okay.. cheer up a little bit…

This is an advertorial. But I actually really like this entry okay.. SO READ IT ANYWAY… trust me it’s fun. I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t and you guys know how very selective I am with advertorials.

Okay so I’ve heard a lot about Mudah.com.my since they became our client at Nuffnang.

There it was, an online Marketplace where you can sell or buy things to other fellow Malaysians (Sort of like eBay but without the bidding process).

Not long before, I just heard from Nicholas that Pinkpau managed to sell a bulk of her old teddy bears on Mudah so hey… I decided to give it a shot myself.

Only thing was… I wasn’t sure what to sell.

What could I possibly sell that nobody else could get on any other day.

I mean if I were Brad Pitt I could probably sell my SPIT and I’m sure someone would’ve bought it for a few thousand bucks.

But.. I’m not Brad Pitt. I’m Timothy Tiah and nobody is gonna buy my spit let alone a properly signed autograph.

So I while looking through my junk I spotted something that brought back childhood memories of myself.

Yes… the Rotan.

Not just ANY Rotan.

The Rotan that my father used frequently to whoop my ass when I was a kid. That’s the funny thing about beating a kid right?

In the West, nobody beats their kids and if they do, the kid calls Child Services and gets the parents taken away.

In the East, like Malaysia… everyone beats their kids (fine.. not everyone, those of you who didn’t get beaten, you have no idea what you guys missed out on).

I was a beaten kid.

Seriously… my father used to whack me like there was no tomorrow (although I did deserve it most of the time). I know it’s hard to imagine this but I was actually a very rebellious kid that always talked back to my parents when I got a scolding or even a beating.

Heck I got so much beating that The Rotan even was cracked at the tip.

I used to be so terrified of the thing. So terrified that I used to hide The Rotan when I knew my Dad was gonna whoop my ass.

He used to keep The Rotan on top of the fridge thinking that I won’t be able to reach which worked fine and dandy for a while but the problem with kids is… we grow. So as I grew older (and taller), I learned to climb on to chairs to quickly grab The Rotan and hide it somewhere safe like under a rug or something.

I remember a day my Dad came home from work looking to beat the shit out of me for something I did wrong. He stared at me with fire in his eyes as he walked through the door but he didn’t want me to know that I was going to get a beating yet till he got his Rotan so he would first run off to the kitchen to grab it.

Sooner or later he realized that I hid it and he walked out of the kitchen and gave me the courtesy of asking me to return it to him.

And I stupidly replied
“YOU CHEATING WAN ALWAYS USE ROTAN… I ALSO CAN BEAT WITH ROTAN.. USE YOUR HANDS AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!!” (and I put my tiny fists up).

I don’t remember what happened after that though I did remember hearing a “POW!!!” just like in the old Batman movies.

So there you have it everyone… right now I am going to try to sell on Mudah.com.my the very same Rotan that my Father used to beat me into the man I have become today.

All for only RM200.

If I manage to somehow sell this Rotan on Mudah.com.my. It can only mean 3 things.

1) Mudah.com.my is damn bloody good!
2) Someone out there is damn SM.

Click here to go find my Rotan. HAHAAHAH!!!

Will update you guys on the results later on.

To My Dear Father: Thank you for beating me when I was young.

Many of you ladies must already know that CLEO magazine always has this page in every issue where readers can write in and ask questions about sex (heck I remember blogging about this once before).

One of my female friends reads a lot of CLEO so whenever I see one I rush through to read the Question & Answer sections.I’ve always thought the answers to those questions were always politically correct and sometimes not brutally honest. One day if I’m free and all, it might be fun for a while to be one of those “Dear Thelma” people. Maybe a “Dear Boss…”

I’ll do a really good job at answering the questions. Really! Here’s my trial run.

Question 1

Question: “Every time when my husband and I have sex, he likes to squeeze by breasts hard. It hurts after that. I just want to know if there would be any infection to my breasts if he were to do this to me regularly”.

Answer: Every time he squeezes your breasts, squeeze his nuts equally as hard… you know just for fun. I bet he’ll be the one worrying about swelling or an infection.

Question 2

Question: I’ve always felt sorry for women whose boyfriends ogle other women in public. Especially when these girls are thinner or younger than the women they are with. i love the fact that if my boyfriend does check out other women when I’m around, he does it in such a discreet way that I have never noticed.
Until now. The other day, I caught him red handed. To my shock however, the woman he was “appreciating” was in her mid fifties at least. Yes she was immaculately dressed and rather striking, but still. I almost would have felt better if it had been some bimbo. What’s the attraction here?

Answer: WHAT?!?! A NON-SUPERFICIAL MAN?!?! BLASPHEMY!!!

Question 3

Question: The other day, my boyfriend of six months made a strange request in bed. He wanted to lick honey off my body. I told him I’d think about it but to be honest am a bit put off by the stickiness factor and having to wash it all off afterwards. How do i break the news to him without sounding as if I’m not open to trying new things in bed.
Answer: Easy. Do the honey thing ONCE. Then after that tell him you have a fetish for shit and you want him to smear shit all over you, then lick it all off.

If he refuses to do so say “What the hell?!?!? I thought you wanted to be adventurous in bed?!?! YOU PUSSY!!! I’m not doing that honey thing for you ever again!!!!”

Problem solved.

Question 4

Question: I’m 18 years old. Last week my boyfriend hugged me and we kissed for a really long time which left me feeling very aroused. Can I become pregnant this way? I’m scared.

Answer: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! YOU HUGGED AND KISSED?!?!? Did you know that HUGGING AND KISSING alone has a 95% higher chance for you to get pregnant compared to having actual sexual intercourse?

Not only that, if you were to conceive via HUGGING and KISSING, your baby will come out evil with a really big head, a red jumper and big plans to take over the world!!!
Question 5

Question: My recently ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I want revenge. I want the world to know what a two-timing sleaze he is and how he hurt me. I’m thinking of putting his name and photo on one of those Websites which warn women not to go out with certain men. Should I go ahead?

Answer: You know this is why it’s dangerous to date bloggers. Imagine if I dated Skyler.
If I screwed up, she will blog about what an asshole I am and the whole world will know. Then anyone who Googles you name will know what a bastard I am!!! Oh but back to answering your question… ermm.. yeah go ahead. I’m sure he’ll “care”.

See? I’m good eh.. you guys would write to my column eh?

I mean I’ve very practical about. No nonsense mushy mushy politically correct answers from me.

Many of you ladies must already know that CLEO magazine always has this page in every issue where readers can write in and ask questions about sex (heck I remember blogging about this once before).

One of my female friends reads a lot of CLEO so whenever I see one I rush through to read the Question & Answer sections.I’ve always thought the answers to those questions were always politically correct and sometimes not brutally honest. One day if I’m free and all, it might be fun for a while to be one of those “Dear Thelma” people. Maybe a “Dear Boss…”

I’ll do a really good job at answering the questions. Really! Here’s my trial run.

Question 1

Question: “Every time when my husband and I have sex, he likes to squeeze by breasts hard. It hurts after that. I just want to know if there would be any infection to my breasts if he were to do this to me regularly”.

Answer: Every time he squeezes your breasts, squeeze his nuts equally as hard… you know just for fun. I bet he’ll be the one worrying about swelling or an infection.

Question 2

Question: I’ve always felt sorry for women whose boyfriends ogle other women in public. Especially when these girls are thinner or younger than the women they are with. i love the fact that if my boyfriend does check out other women when I’m around, he does it in such a discreet way that I have never noticed.
Until now. The other day, I caught him red handed. To my shock however, the woman he was “appreciating” was in her mid fifties at least. Yes she was immaculately dressed and rather striking, but still. I almost would have felt better if it had been some bimbo. What’s the attraction here?

Answer: WHAT?!?! A NON-SUPERFICIAL MAN?!?! BLASPHEMY!!!

Question 3

Question: The other day, my boyfriend of six months made a strange request in bed. He wanted to lick honey off my body. I told him I’d think about it but to be honest am a bit put off by the stickiness factor and having to wash it all off afterwards. How do i break the news to him without sounding as if I’m not open to trying new things in bed.
Answer: Easy. Do the honey thing ONCE. Then after that tell him you have a fetish for shit and you want him to smear shit all over you, then lick it all off.

If he refuses to do so say “What the hell?!?!? I thought you wanted to be adventurous in bed?!?! YOU PUSSY!!! I’m not doing that honey thing for you ever again!!!!”

Problem solved.

Question 4

Question: I’m 18 years old. Last week my boyfriend hugged me and we kissed for a really long time which left me feeling very aroused. Can I become pregnant this way? I’m scared.

Answer: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! YOU HUGGED AND KISSED?!?!? Did you know that HUGGING AND KISSING alone has a 95% higher chance for you to get pregnant compared to having actual sexual intercourse?

Not only that, if you were to conceive via HUGGING and KISSING, your baby will come out evil with a really big head, a red jumper and big plans to take over the world!!!
Question 5

Question: My recently ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I want revenge. I want the world to know what a two-timing sleaze he is and how he hurt me. I’m thinking of putting his name and photo on one of those Websites which warn women not to go out with certain men. Should I go ahead?

Answer: You know this is why it’s dangerous to date bloggers. Imagine if I dated Skyler.
If I screwed up, she will blog about what an asshole I am and the whole world will know. Then anyone who Googles you name will know what a bastard I am!!! Oh but back to answering your question… ermm.. yeah go ahead. I’m sure he’ll “care”.

See? I’m good eh.. you guys would write to my column eh?

I mean I’ve very practical about. No nonsense mushy mushy politically correct answers from me.

Just a few days ago I watched this movie called “The Bucket List” by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.

It’s a very touching and inspiring story about two terminally ill men (one a car mechanic and one a billionaire), both with less than a year to live and rather than fighting the cancer, they decide instead to create a list of everything they always wanted to do in their lives and do it before they die.

I loved that movie. I absolutely loved it.

It was a reminder to us all how life is shorter than we all think, and the sad part is… how we all only realize how short life is for us when it is too late.
That movie reminded me of something.

Many years ago when I had just graduated from UCL, I was on the plane back to Malaysia trying to decide what it is that I wanted to do with my life.

On one hand, I had a job offer at a good investment bank waiting and on the other hand… there were plans to start with Ming what would end up being called Nuffnang.

I was confused. I didn’t know where or how to start.

So I made the list of things that I wanted to do with my life before I died and came up with a list.

I didn’t know how to call it a “Bucket List” back then, so I just called it a list of “Things I Will Do Before I Die”.

Here’s a short snippet of the list I can share with you guys.

I had to censor some… BWAHAHAH

Start a Charity Foundation to help the poor
Tell a bed time story to my baby boy/girl
Save a life
Buy a Ferrari
Shag a model
Find my soul mate
Be in the news on TV
Be on one of those talk shows on National TV
Be in either Fortune, Forbes or BusinessWeek magazine
Own a Hotel
Visit New York
Meet Richard Branson
Start and Own a Sustainable Business
Buy Dad A Porsche
Go Skydiving
Take Dad and Mum for a luxurious holiday
Shoot a gun
Live in San Francisco

There you have it.

My bucket list.

Somehow I’ve already managed to do some of them in the first few years since I wrote that list.. but well.. plenty more to go.

Anything else you guys think I should add to my list?

Thursday morning, I found myself at the KLCC Convention Center for the Opening of the JobsDB Career Fair. I’ve heard loads about this fair since JobsDB approached Nuffnang for a campaign last year to promote this fair.It wasn’t gonna be like any other fair. It was going to be the first PAPERLESS one in Malaysia.

When I got there they made me fill in a really short form.
Just some basic details you know… name, e-mail contact number, list of ex-girlfriends, bad words that I use over a daily basis and etc etc.

Everyone lies or exaggerate in their CVs right?

Well these details isn’t gonna be a huge part of your CV so you may or may not need to lie about them but I decided to lie anyway and bring over the filled in form to the registration counter.

But I’m a terrible liar, I always get caught…
Then after that they showed me to a lot of laptops they had ready for me to do some serious lying. Time to fill up my CV 😛

I took hold of the keyboard and typed away.Now when you want to lie about a CV. There are a few sections you need to take note of.

Academic Results: So people think you’re Einstein reincarnated.

SPM results: 45 A1s
A-Level results: 8As
Graduated from Harvard University
Masters at Stanford
PHD at Oxford University

Extra-Curricular Activities: So people think you’re well-rounded

Now nobody gives a shit about you being in the scouts or girl guides… why? because every other person is. So to stand out.. you have to make your employer feel that.. well.. you’re outstanding like this:

-Member of the Red Cross. Have traveled on peace missions to Africa 13 times in the past 3 years.

-Captain of the Malaysian Debate Team. Second-runner up for the World’s Debate Championship (Don’t lie until too ho liao say second-runner up can di… after people suspicious).

-Captain of the National Football Team

Languages Spoken and Written (Because everyone likes a multi-lingual fella):

-English
-BM
-Chinese
-Japanese
-Thai
-Korean
-French
-German
-Russian
-Spanish

And finally… previous work experiences which would depends in what industry you’re applying for but say you’re applying for a job in Finance at Maybank, this is what you should write:

-Junior Analyst at Goldman Sachs London
-Senior Analyst at Morgan Stanley New York
-Associate Director at Lehman Brothers New York
The people at Maybank will be so blown away.. the first thing they’ll probably ask you at the interview is
“So with all this work experience… why do you want to come back to Malaysia to take a pay cut and work here?”

In which your model answer should be
“Because I love my country”.

FUIYOH… they’ll be smiling at you like this man.
So I finishing lying telling the truth about myself in my CV and headed to another registration counter where they gave me a tag with a bar code on it and told me that’s all I was going to need to apply for jobs at this Job Fair.

All I had to do was go to any job booth I see there and let them scan my code… effectively digitally passing on my kickass CV to them.

I walked around the fair looking for a friend of mine.

Do yall remember Christine here from 88DB?She was playing boss.. managing the biggest booth at the event… all taken up by 88DB.

Her booth had everything from free muffins to free massages to… heck even a huge balloon floating on top of it.

Booths don’t get any bigger than this!After spending some time checking out the place, Nicholas (our Marketing Manager at Nuffnang) who was with me reminded me that it was time for us to run off to another meeting and that I should stop using this wonderful Career fair as a reason for me to slack off!

So we left.

*sniff*

Bye bye JobsDB Career Fair!If you guys are free this weekend, go check it out at the KLCC Convention Center. Pretty nice to see the first paperless career fair.

I’m can’t say for sure if you’ll definitely get a job there because I myself wasn’t really applying (Unless Nuffnang one day decides that my “services are no longer required“) but there are quite a lot of booths there.

Details at JobsDB