Picking up Shorty to go for lunch. I drive up and see her waiting for me by the road side. I pull up to her and wind down my window.
Me: HALO CIK, berapa satu malam? (Hello miss, how much for a night?)
Shorty: *gives middle finger* FUCK YOU!!
#37
At home in our study room. I walk over to Shorty’s study table and see her drinking water like this.
Me: WAH WHAT IS THIS ?!? This Short person ah! Don’t know how to drink water like a lady. Must take the whole jug and then gulp down like a Mafia boss huh?
Shorty: What what? It’s easier mah.
#38
In the car while Shorty is reading her book.
Shorty: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: What what?
Shorty: Remember the movie Cloud Atlas? I’m reading the book now and the author is really damn good. Remember the bar scene where the Scottish guy asked the rest for help. The author wrote it in such a way when you say the words it sounds like a Scottish accent.
Me: Really? Try me.
Shorty: “Are there nor trrruuue Scortsmen in tha hooossse?”. HAHAH
Me: HAHA! Sounds just like it.
Shorty: “Those there English gerrrrunts are trampling o’er ma God-gi’en rrraights!”.
Me: “Those there English grunts are tramlping o’er”….
Shorty: No Fatty it’s gerrrrrunts.
Me: “Those there English gerrrunts are trampling o’er ma God-gi’en rrraights!”.
Dinner time at our place. Shorty is preparing some food at the dining table. I pull my chair back without realizing her foot is in the way of the chair. So I go over it.
Shorty: ARRRRGGHHHH!!! FATTY!!! WHY YOU ALWAYS HURT ME LIKE THAT WAN! BE MORE CAREFUL LA… I TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES ALREADY.. BE MORE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS LA! *when Shorty speaks, her voice is low… but when she scolds, she does so in a very high-pitched voice*
Me: I didn’t know mah I’m just pulling my chair back like normal what am I supposed to do. How I know your foot is there?
Shorty: Be more aware la! Of course my foot is there. You always knocking me around one.
Me: Ok la ok la sorry la.
*starts to eat dinner while watching a scene in Lost where Sun is giving birth*
Me: Wah when you see things like this, do you get scared of child birth?
Shorty: No.. just knock me out completely.
*Shorty gets up to get some soup and gives me a stare on the way up*
Shorty: I haven’t forgiven you yet.
Me: Aiyo this Shorty… look at this Shorty. Aiyo aiyo aiyo see that face. Look at that face? Let me get my phone and take a picture of this face.
Me: Aiyo aiyo look at this face.. so grumpy… so annoyed. Look here at the camera.
Shorty: Fatty have you seen this video of a Hippopotamus with diarrhea?
Me: No but something tells me I don’t want to see that video.
In case any of you are interested, she was referring to this video.
#31 In the backseat of my sister’s car going for lunch.
Me: *pinches Shorty’s stomach* OOooh… fat huh this Shorty?
Shorty: *pinches my stomach back* OH please… nothing compared to this muffin top over here.
#32
So this weekend has been a really busy weekend for Shorty. In case you missed the newsflash, Shorty and Cheesie got together to start a new label called Foruchizu. They’ve just began selling it at Isetan in KLCC just a week ago and it’s been a lot of fun (Apart from a few people apparently stealing the iPhone cases they had on sale there). This weekend though they’ve been really busy with events there. Starting with a fashion show on Saturday where they paraded Foruchizu outfits.
Just before the fashion show started she messaged me.
Then before I knew it, a small figure bopped up and down the catwalk and I saw my Shorty come up on this little podium.
After the event..
Me: Remember last time I went for this pitching event thing and you said you felt nervous for me just before I went up on stage? I felt that too. Just before you came out on the catwalk I was feeling damn nervous ah… almost as if I was the one going up there to do the catwalk.
Shorty: Haha was I ok?
Me: Of course Shorty. You were fantastic! Now lets quickly go home.
Shorty: Why?
Me: It’s not every day I get to make out with a model. And I can’t do that here. LETS GO!
If you haven’t checked out Foruchizu at Isetan KLCC…. go already!!!
On the way to see a skin specialist for this skin problem I’m having.
Me: Lilian and Mimi say my skin thing is called… can’t remember what it’s called. Pho-something…
Shorty: Fellatio.
Me: Ohhh funny huh this girl. No it’s Pho….
Shorty: Photosynthesis ? HAHA You’re turning into a plant.
Me: Ohh… still being funny huh this Shorty.
Shorty: Gives a whole new meaning to “Morning Wood”. HAHAHAHA!!!
Me: Oh still going on with these jokes huh?
Shorty: Or… Wood Pecker!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Me: On a roll huh this Short one.
Shorty: HAHAHA You know what pecker means right?
Me: Yes… it means dick. But nobody uses the word pecker Shorty. Where have you ever heard anyone say “Alright time to whip out that pecker..” or “Ohhh what a nice big pecker”.
Ok there’s been a lack of updates for the Things Fatty & Shorty Say. Why? Well because for the past few days I’ve been in Phuket for our Nuffie company trip.
So I’ve had limited internet connection AND the bigger reason is… I’ve been away from Shorty in the past few days. When I’m away, Shorty and I aren’t the kind of couple that needs to talk every night before I sleep or anything. Once a while we just send some messages here and there to each other. So when we don’t talk… there aren’t any “Things Shorty & Fatty Say”.
However I came back yesterday so here are some again.
#26
While walking around Pavilion
Shorty: Today I met the rudest Malaysians ever. I got into an elevator and then there were some people coming so I held the door open for them. The elevator turned out to be spoilt so they got out, and then went into the next elevator. I held the door open for them and let them out then when they went into the other elevator they didn’t bother waiting for me and Ringo. In spite of me calling out to them “Wait wait!”. I hate rude Malaysians!
Me: Maybe we’re rude because we don’t dare call people out on the rude things they do in public. We just take it. Imagine if you did something rude in America, someone’s gonna tell you off.
Shorty: Ya that’s what I’m going to do now. CHOW HAIZ!!!
Me: Wah this Shorty damn vulgar huh? Small little girl but full of big words huh!
Shorty: *thumps her chest* Don’t mess with this Shorty.
Me: You’re going to pick a fight some day Shorty.
Shorty: It’s okay I have you.
Me: I’m too fat to fight. Fat doesn’t fight. Fat floats.
Shorty: You can float like a butterfly but sting like a bee…. HAHA geddit geddit?
Me: Yah yah Muhammad Ali.
Some minutes later while trying to go up and escalator, a couple of guys stood in the middle of the foot of the escalator holding everyone up. They were talking to a friend behind and then later on decided to not go up the escalator. So they backed off but without saying sorry.
Shorty: OI!!! *throws hand in the air in a scolding motion*.
Me: Wah this girl like China aunty now ah? Scold people.
Shorty: Look who’s talking? Just now walk into spectacle shop want to buy sunglasses talk like gangster like that. Speak so loud say “HOW MUCH THIS ONE? WHY SO EXPENSIVE? HUH? HUH?”.
Me: I’m still in Phuket mode. In Phuket go anywhere had to bargain wan. Buy a cap they say “1000 BAHT”. Must speak loud and say “WHY SO EXPENSIVE! 200 BAHT!”
Shorty: Still.. you’re back in Malaysia now.
Me: Okay okay…
Shorty: Watch me… anyone do anything rude now I’m going to scold them in public.
Me: Ok la ok la… enough… come take picture. First picture after getting my Shorty back.
Shorty: What do you mean “Getting my Shorty back”. You left ! Not me.
Me: Company trip mah!
Shorty: Still… you left!
Me: Ok ok… I left.
PS: Shorty was in KLCC to check on her Foruchizu section in Isetan by the way. They’ve got a fashion show this Saturday at 3PM and 20% off all the Foruchizu stuff so do pop by.
While we were in Los Angeles, Shorty walked into a Marc Jacobs store to buy a case for her new Microsoft Surface. She picked out this cover and she ended up seeing more and more things that she liked to the extent that she was torn about which to buy.
Shorty: Fatty I don’t know which one to buy!
Me: What do you have?
Shorty: Ok I have the cover for my Surface.
Shorty: And then I have this cute clutch that I can put in my phone and money when I go clubbing or something.
Shorty: And I have this wallet. It’s so nice! And I need a new wallet… my old wallet all torn already.
Shorty: And then there is this cute furry bag! But I know I said that if I buy a wallet I won’t buy a designer bag for the next one year already. Haih.. maybe I’ll do without the bag since it’s not necessary.
Me: Well do you like them all?
Shorty: Yes…
Me: Ok just buy them all.
Shorty: What?
Me: It’s ok. Buy them all. I buy all for you since you like them all.
Shorty: But that’s too much and you say we should save money!
Me: Yeah but it’s not that often that you come into a designer store and want all sorts of things. In fact it’s not even that often that you crave anything from a designer label. Half the time you carry the cloth bags that Emoda gives you for free when you buy stuff from them. So ok la… if all of this makes my wife happy, let loose and forget about choosing. In life we always have to end up make choices. So for once and for today… just buy them all.
Shorty: But…
Me: Shorty… I’m having my Richard Gere moment now.
Shorty: Your what?
Me: You know the scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere walked Julia Roberts into a store and bought her everything.
Me: Except that I don’t have as much money as he does so I do small scale ok? Next time when I make more money then only do his style ok?
Shorty: Ok *teary*. Baby go to the men’s section and see if you like anything .
Me: No need la. Already I said I’m not going to buy any designer stuff for myself this year unless it’s on huge discount.
*Later after being dragged to the men’s section of Marc Jacobs*
Shorty: How about this belt? I buy you this belt. Since your belt broke.
Me: Don’t need la. Don’t need to spend money for the sake of spending money. I just want to buy a belt from Zara or something.
Shorty: Nvm nvm I buy you. Quite unique what this belt.
Me: This Shorty ah… feeling guilty that she spend so much money this trip ah so trying to get me to spend ah?
Shorty: Yes *guilty*
Me: No need la. Save money. Money is hard to earn.
Shorty: Okayy…
We walked out of the store carrying loads of Marc Jacob bags. That particular moment, she did look like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
PS:
Eventually I did buy something for myself at a Nike store. When we walked out of Nike Shorty did a *successkid.jpg* thing and said “YES!!!”
The pics of the stuff she bought btw were not taken at the store. Were taken back at our room.
So I’m going to Sapporo in Japan for this conference next year. Initially I was thinking of bringing Shorty since Shorty loves Japan. But lots of people have been telling us stories about how radiation caused them a miscarriage, made them sick etc etc. But still I made peace with it because Shorty has already been to Tokyo once, and also that these stories we hear is always from a “friend’s friend”. Never from any people we know directly.
When it comes to people we know who went, Xiaxue went to Tokyo when she was pregnant and everything on her end is still fine. Shorty on the other hand doesn’t care. She loves Japan enough to go even if Godzilla was tearing Tokyo apart. So one morning…
Me: Shorty, Joanne said her cousin’s friend’s friend went to Japan when she was 5 months pregnant then came back and miscarried.
Shorty: You see? It’s always a friend’s friend one.
Me: Ya but I don’t think we should take the chance ah. I think I’ll just go without you ok?
Shorty: HEY HEY HEY! Don’t joke about these matters!
Me: Haha who say I’m joking?
Shorty: I know you are!
Then I left for work.
At work I asked my PA Rina who helps me book my flights and all to send me the following prank email and CC Shorty. This is what it said.
This is what Shorty replied.
I didn’t reply that email yet. Waited to see if Shorty would message me and true enough she did.
20 minutes later she called me up sounding all sad and depressed.
Me: Hello?
Shorty: Really wan or not? *depressed*
Me: I come home talk to you about it ok?
Shorty: Nuu you tell me first. Really want or not?
Me: Ok la ok la just kidding la.
Shorty: STUPID!!!
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space