I didn’t know what to blog about today.

I really didn’t know what to blog about today.

So I was bumming around watching TV when I suddenly came across MTV Cribs.
I like MTV Cribs… I mean you get to see the gigantic homes of celebrities.

Their beautiful cars.

Their wardrobes full of Gucci and LV.
And even their fridges that are well stocked to the max.

Well so I thought to myself… “HEY… maybe my readers might want to see my crib”.

Unfortunately I don’t have a gigantic home.

or a nice car.

But I do have a WARDROBE!!!!

BEHOLD!!!

BOSS STEWIE’S WARDROBE!!!
I have a BIG ASS WARDROBE!!!

And check out my clothes.

I have a few shirts for work.

And the rest of my casual clothes and underwear are in this pile.

No seriously.

I don’t have many clothes… I don’t… because I’m poor.

And poor people don’t have many clothes. They wash their clothes as much as they can.

But I do have t-shirts that I’m really proud off.

Like my Mr. Happy T-shirt that many of you have already seen.
Or my Mr. Rude T-shirt that most of you haven’t yet seen.
Or my uhmmm… other T-shirt that ermm…. I would rather not have any of my girlfriends see.

Or even a T-shirt that my dear friends at Allyhunt happened to give me.

Believe it or not, I proudly wear this T-shirt!

My clients aren’t just clients… they’re my friends and you support your friends right?

Anyway, moving on… MY FRIDGE.
BEHOLD!!! THE PLACE WHERE I GET ALL MY FOODIES!!!

WHERE ALL THE NUTRITIOUS FOODIES THAT HELP ME GROW ARE KEPT!!!

Inside the fridge I have…

Uhmm…

Some wine… uhmm… beer… uhmm… then some more wine… and uhmm…

OK OK OK NEXT NEXT NEXT

BEHOLD!!! The upstairs of my fridge!!!

Uhmm.. ice… ice and a bit of Sara Lee’s chocolate ice-cream and something wrapped in a Parkson plastic bag that I have no idea what.
And uhmm…

OOKOKOK next next next!!!

MY KITCHEN CABINETS…Uhmm… wine glasses and uhmm…

MOVING ON MOVING ON!!!

Uhmm…. some uhmm… whiskey… and uhmm … more whiskey…. and uhmm

HEY!!! IT’S NOT MINE!!! I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ALL THAT BOOZE!!!

I mean look at me…

LOOK AT ME WHEN I DRINK… LOOK AT MY COLOUR…
DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN DRINK?

WHO DOES THAT REMIND YOU OF?

*hint*

Hint Number 2:

UNDER THE SEA…. UNDER THE SEA… DOWN THERE IT’S WETTER DOWN THERE IT’S BETTER TAKE IT FROM MEEEEEE!!!!!!!

DO I NOT LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WHO GETS HIGH ON TIRAMISU?!??!

ALL THAT BOOZE ISS NOTTTT MINEEEE!!!!!

Last Sunday, I was casually driving on some nice and empty KL roads.

I love those kind of weekend drives. Nice, relaxing… soothing.. gives you the best opportunity to listen to some of your nice classical music… unlike the kind of traffic we face on weekdays like this.
When suddenly… an idiot spoilt my drive by tail-gating me to the max.

I slowed down and kept to the left lane to allow him to overtake when he came up to my right side and started honking me, staring at me and pointing at me.

I shouted to myself
“WHAT?!?!? WHAT DA FARK?!?! JUST GO LAR DAMMIT!!!”

Ahh road rage at its very best.

The driver then sped off.

A few minutes later, another car came to do the exact same thing to me and I showed him the finger, which was enough to shoo him away.

After a while I started thinking to myself…

“Hmmm… maybe they were trying to tell me something… like maybe my petrol tank was open.

So I stopped the car by the road side, got down and took a look.

My petrol tank was closed but my tire was punctured.

Miraculously I could still drive my car without much of a problem so I decided to head home to change it.

Now EVERY REAL MAN knows how to change his car tire ok?

EVERY REAL MAN!

If you’re a girl and don’t know how to change your car tire, no big deal… but if you’re a guy.. what can you possibly do?

If you’re stranded by the road side, are you going to flag down a cute chick in her pink VW beetle and say
“Excuse me miss.. uhmm.. I donno how to change my car tire wor.. can you help me?”

and what do you think the cute chick will say to you?

You think she’ll say
“Sure… it’s quite normal that men don’t know how to change their own tires.. I’ll help you out.”

or do you think she’ll say
“HAHAHAHAHAHAA YOU LEETLE LEETLE FRENCH POODLE!!!”

So if you really don’t know how to do it.

Listen hard.

First, find the tools to jack the car up and remove the bolts.

You will find it in the back of your boot.
The first thing you have to start with is the car jack to jack your car up (you may or may not choose to losen the nuts first before you do that but up to you).

In front of the rear tire, there is always a hard spot where you can place the jack on. Make sure you put it on that hard spot, and not anywhere else, or you will effectively punch a whole in your car.

Once the car is jacked up.

You can start removing the nuts and when you remove it, you will see this.

Then chuck your punctured tire aside first.

And replace it with the spare tire in the trunk.

And voila.

Your job is done!

See? So easy…

Except that I realized… that in the midst of replacing the tire… I DIRTIED MY NUFFNANG SHIRT…

I just HAD to be wearing a white shirt on that day huh… just HAD to….

Not only that, I even got some dirt even on my face.

Don’t ask how my forehead managed to come in contact with the tire. Even I don’t know.

My old set of glasses was crooked.

Somehow I managed to get away with it since not too many people noticed but I knew I had to change it some time, sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately since the launch of Nuffnang, I have been so caught up with work that I decided to do it later rather than sooner.

Until last week.

Last week I paid a visit to this shop in Gurney Plaza Penang.

And when you go buy a pair of new specs, you have to bring at least ONE chick along with you… so she can tell you whether your new specs gives you better or worse sex appeal.

That particular friend refused to let me take a picture of her to put on my blog.

So this is the best shot I managed to get out of her.

I had a hard time picking out a pair of glasses.

There were just SOO MANY!!!

Now when it comes to specs, I’m a very simple person.

I buy the simplest pair of specs, no brand necessary. So with the lens and all it would normally cost about RM200-RM300.

But my friends and the mystery girl I brought refused to let me buy another ‘cheap’ pair of specs.

They veered my attention away from the showcase I was looking at, and on to one on the wall.

The ones locked up in a solid case. The ones that you know cost 2-3 times the ones I normally buy.

So anyway I tried them on but finally settled on a pair of Oakleys that cost me RM830, though one of my dear friends there managed to help me bargain it all the way down to around RM770.

I thought long and hard about buying such an expensive pair of glasses, thinking again of the question
“Hmm.. how many Nuffnang ads do I have to sell to earn back this RM770.”

Then again, Nuffnang now has campaigns running from Nokia, Honda, Cornetto, Hitz.fm, Nescafe, Airasia and even Twisties. So I thought… bah what the hell.. and went ahead to buy it.

The little nifty new pair of glasses even came with a kickass casing that looked like some sort of bullet.

A lot better than the cheap plastic casing that I’m used to.

Check out my new pair of Oakleys everyone!

Now here is a question to the ladies.

LADIES!!!

Do you prefer… the OLD Boss Stewie…

or… THE NEW!!!
*Please just pay attention to the glasses and ignore the t-shirts I’m wearing.

HAAHAHAHAHA

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I’M DOING!!!!

I’m watching..

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

ANG ANG ANG… TO TE MOU DA YE SU KI… DO.. RAE…. MONN….

This is the episode I’m watching right now as updating this blog.

AHAAHHAAH

You can NEVER be too old for Doraemon.

ANG ANG ANG… TO TE MOU DA YE SU KI… DO RAE… MON!!!!

I’ve been watching a lot of TV these days… I go through phases like that.

Sometimes I watch a lot of TV for weeks.. and sometimes I stop for months.

But when I do watch… I cover all sorts of TV shows from Heroes to Desperate Housewives to 24 to all 3 of the CSIs… you name it.

Now I have a couple of TV Heroes.

One of them being…

Jack Bauer of 24
You gotta love the man! He’s not even afraid to torture his own brother for his country.

Now to a certain extent, you gotta pity Jack Bauer. I mean, it’s not easy to do an action tv show/movie where you can’t curse at all.

So poor Jack always has to result to his
“DAMN IT!!!”

Can you imagine the words “DAMN IT”.

Think about it carefully!!!
Ok lets say we have a Malaysian version of Jack Bauer: Hang Bauer.

And he can’t curse on National TV as well so the most he can say is “Damn it!!!”

or in Malay that would “JAHANAM ITU!!!” (That right?).

How hard would that be.

When you’re in the middle of the gun fight, the natural thing for you to say is something that’s easy to say, like the word “F*CK!!!”

But imagine having to say
“JAHANAM ITU!!!”

The poor Jack.

The good news though is.. at least they didn’t ban him from saying “Damn it” and made him say “Darn it!” instead.

Because then 24 would be on the Disney Channel.

In case you didn’t notice how many times Jack Bauer has said “Damn it” on 24… here’s a video to refresh your memory.

Ok next.

HORATIO CAINE OF CSI: MIAMI

My next hero is… HORATIO CAINE!!!

This man…. has made CSI:Miami the most enjoyable CSI of all time.

HE IS THE DA MAN!!!

Now because of his Poser-like role, you either really really hate him or really really love him.

In my case, I really really love da man!!!

HAHAHAHHAHAH HE IS SUCH A POSER BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE HOW HE DOES IT SO WELL!!!!

I especially love the beginning of every CSI episode where he will always put on his glasses and say a cheesy tag line.

Somebody even compiled it here on Youtube.

Check it out.

HORATIO DA MAN!!!

Even Jim Carrey loves him.
HAHAHAHA

I DID… I DID TEE A PUDDY TADT

MERDEKA!!!

MERDEKAA!!!

MERDEKAA!!!

ARGHHH!!!!

I have been single for almost a year now.

Something I have always been very happy about, especially since Nuffnang launched… I have no commitments to hold me back.

But there are times when the feeling of single-hood catches up on me. And no it doesn’t have to come in the form of just seeing happy couples when walking around Ikea furniture shopping for their home (damn I hate those happy couples!!!)

It comes all in the form of a simple invitation.

This Friday, I got invited to this private event for the advertising industry.

I was told that I can “Bring a date”.

Which sounds all fine and dandy right?

Except for one problem.

I HAVE NO BLOODY DATE!!!

And for some reason, I am surrounded with girls who are all attached.

That’s right!!!

YOU CHICKS KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!

WHY DO ALL OF YOU STICK AROUND ME?!?!? HUH?!?! GO AWAAY!!!! LEMME ALONE!!!!

So there I am going to be this Friday, when everyone else, and quite a number of our clients are going to be there with their wives and dates.

Then they’ll all ask me
“Oh Timothy!!! You’re here… great to see you mate… who did you come with?”

And I’m going to have to say…
“Oh I came with my pet dog Ah Bop. He’s getting wasted at the bar right now… going to go save him in a sec.”

*Sniff*

Suddenly I begin to feel the way Richard Gere felt in Pretty Woman.

Needing an ‘escort’ to follow him for events like this.

Where is my Julia Roberts? Where where?

Last week while I was in Sydney, I learned that Sin Chew, the largest chinese newspaper in Malaysia came up with an article which mentioned Nuffnang.

Then just yesterday morning, I received a flood of SMSs from my friends and associates talking about the latest article about Nuffnang that came out in The Starbiz.

My mum was one of the first to pick up the paper too.

Afraid my head will grow to the size of a durian she reminded me,
“Son… remember one thing.. you haven’t quite made it yet… you have a long way more to go”.

I nodded immediately and said
“Yes mum.. I know…”.

My parents had always taught every one of us in the family the art of humility.

To my mother, a successful but humble person puts him/her a class above everyone else.

And if humility is the root of success… arrogance is the root to failure.
Oh I also got some messages from some ex-girlfriends of mine that I haven’t heard from in a long long time (and are as usual happier without me).

That was fun.

Thanks so much to Hung Yee of The Star who wrote the article.

I still remember her telling me that I was the youngest person ever to be interviewed for that column.

Hung Yee, thanks for believing that age is no barrier 😛

Credit also to Kim who handles our PR and for whom without, much of our media coverage would not have materialized.

If you guys want to read the online version of the paper, click here.

To all of you who left me the nice messages on my blog or by e-mail, thank you so much!!!

But as my mother would tell you if you ask her, DON’T get carried away… we have a lot more to do and a lot of expectations to fulfill.

I just happened to read an article in the BBC News lately, talking about how China is coming up with new laws to tackle the growing gender imbalance in their country.

We all know the source of these imbalances right?

One child policy… Chinese favour sons, so they go for abortions as soon as they find out that the baby is a girl.

Well apparently now the gender imbalance has gone so bad that in some cities there are 8 men to every 5 women.
A quote from the article

“Experts fear the phenomenon could have unpredictable social consequences.

Some believe that with millions of men unable to find a wife, there could be risks of increasing anti-social and violent behaviour.”

What do you guys think about that?

Do you guys think the Chinese government is being overly paranoid?

OF COURSE NOT!!!
THIS IS A GRAVE PROBLEM!!!

Even in KL where it is supposedly rumoured to have 3 girls for every 1 guy, young men like ME… are unable to find girlfriends….

I can only imagine what would happen if it was 8 guys to every 5 girls. In an Economics point of view, here’s what’s going to happen if we have a whole lot more guys than girls in any country.

CONSEQUENCES

1) Men are going to be fighting with one another for a woman.

THERE ARE GONNA BE BLOODY RIOTS!!!

Sales of guns like this will hit the roof!!! And at the end of the riots, just like in the animal kingdom, the STRONG will get their women… the weak… will turn into fags.

2) Men are actually going to have to start being far less chauvinistic.

That’s right…like it or not, most men at least a little chauvinism in their blood.

It’s true.. admit it… even I do.

Don’t tell me you’re not!!!

I bet there was at least ONCE in your life when you were driving on the road and shouted
“HOI!!! STOOOPID WOMAN DRIVER!!! YOUR LAU PEK’S ROAD AR?!!?”
And I bet you have NEVER once said
“HOI!!! STOOOPID MAN DRIVER!!! YOUR LAU PEK’S ROAD AR?!?!”

But when you find out that there are 10 guys to every 1 girl in your town… believe me… even the most chauvinistic Chinaman will say

“Ai chehh… that nice lady there so cute lar the way she drive… don’t put signal when turning, hog both lanes… hao ke ai ah!!!”

3) Women are going to care much less about their physical looks.

That’s right!!!

So if I were a woman I would throw away my make-up, and eat all the Krispy Kreme I want to make myself the fattest tub of lard in the world.. and still I won’t have a problem getting a man. Because if you don’t want me for being fat or ugly… a million other men would.

Hahahaha okok.. how many of you nearly went blind for looking at that previous pic.

Okay because I am nice… nah I give you guys a nice pic for you to cuci your mata.
Cuci already or not?

Ok lets move on.

4) Now the women are going to get uglier but the men are going to get better looking because of the increased competition.

There will no longer be any fat men, gym memberships will take off and Men’s Health Magazine will sell better than PCWorld. Women won’t be doing plastic surgery anymore… men will.

And every man you know will look like this! Now economists like myself don’t just analyze the consequences. They suggest solutions!

What are the solutions?

SOLUTIONS

What can we do to circumvent this disaster from happening?

1) Encourage more men to be gay.

For each man that turns gay, you not only save one woman, you save TWO women, because that gay man will look for another gay man to be with.

2) Subsidize transexual operations.

Thailand will be like the Roman Empire, and Bangkok will be Rome. You think transexuals are unattractive now?? Well BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS!!! And heck… transexuals are looking better each day.

3) Intentionally start a war to send more men to the battlefield to die.

That should be very easy to do.

Maybe Bush could go up to France and say
Bush:
HOI!!! YOUR FRENCH TOURISTS KEEP BREATHING MY AMERICAN AIR WITHOUT PAYING ME FOR IT!

France:
Pay you for it? What??

Bush:
YES!!! THE AIR OVER AMERICA BELONGS TO US… AND YOU ARE ALL STEALING IT!!!

France:
But your American tourists and breathing my air in France too!

Bush:
I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE!!! YOU ARE BREATHING OUR AIR AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS!!! I HEREBY DECLARE WAR ON YOU!!!

France:
Eh eh eh wait wait wait!!! Ok okok I pay you for it… how much you want for it?

Bush:
I want $100,000,000,000 for it!

France: Okay okay… we’ll have to dig into our reserves and borrow some money from England but nothing can be more important than avoiding this war. So consider it done.

Bush:
What? Done??? uhh uhh… no wait!!! I CHANGE MY MIND!!! I WANT A HUNDRED GAZILLION US DOLLARS… IF NOT I WAR!!!

France:
What?? Is that even a real number?!?!

Bush:
I DON’T CARE I DON’T CARE!!! YOU BETTER BANK IT INTO MY ACCOUNT BY TOMORROW OR MY B-52 BOMBERS WILL NUKE PARIS!!!

France:
Okay okay.. I will transfer a hundred gazillion US dollars to you. Which Bank and bank account number should I transfer it to?

Bush:
Huh? Really? uhh.. uhh…

I DOWAN TELL YOU WHICH BANK AND WHICH ACCOUNT NUMBER… YOU FIND OUT YOURSELF… TOMORROW I WILL RANDOMLY CHECK ONE OF OUT OF MY BILLION AMERICAN BANK ACCOUNTS AND IF I DO NOT FIND A HUNDRED GAZILLION DOLLARS IN THERE I WILL DECLARE WAR!!!

France: Okay okay… so that there isn’t a risk of any war between us, I’ll be careful and just bank in the money to ALL your accounts.

Bush: … … *3 seconds pass* I WANT THE MONEY NOW… IN 10 SECONDS OR WE’LL DECLARE WAR!!!

France: WHAT?!?! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Bush: TEN… NINE… EIGHT…

France: YOU MAD MAN!!!

Bush: SEVEN…. THREE… TWO… ONE… MY AIRCRAFT CARRIERS ARE ON THEIR WAY… PREPARE FOR WAR NAPOLEON!!!

See??

Easy to start a war, even if your opponent doesn’t want to pick a fight!

Once the war starts… SEND IN ALL THE MEN!!!

Or heck if the gender imbalance was more towards the younger generation then maybe we would have to send our little kids to war in their little cardboard tanks like this. Now that we’re done with analyzing the problem.

Consider this.. what if.. the situation were reversed, where your country had way more girls than guys.

Well..

LIFE WILL BE SO DAMN GOOD.

You guys know of any other creative ways to solve the problem?

Share with me!

And don’t say cloning more women… because cloning is ILLEGAL!!!

Unless of course we’re cloning women that look like this.

Because then it would be not only crime but a shame to NOT clone a billion of her right?

Disclaimer to President Bush if he ever reads this blog entry:

Dear President Bush… whatever I said to you in this blog entry is just for illustration purposes only and does not in any way mean to reflect how I think of you. Please don’t nuke Penang.. PLEASE? PLEASE?

We have no oil here!

AUGGGGHH!!!!

I WAS IN SINGAPORE LAST WEEK AND I LOST MY ONE AND ONLY PDA (that I coincidentally also bought from Singapore a year ago).

I AM STILL GRIEVING !!! AUGHH I AM SOOO SOOO SAD!!!!

My poor PDA was like a real assistant to me.

She kept track of all my meetings, schedule, phone numbers, documents… even my e-mail… EVERYTHING!!! I EVEN NAMED HER TARA!!!

AND NOW SHE’S ALL GONE

AUGHHH!!!!!!!

I LEFT IT IN A TAXI AND THE SONOFABITCH WHO FOUND IT AFTER ME DIDN’T BOTHER TO RETURN IT TO ME… AUGH!!!

No matter

*Sniff*

I’ve decided that I am going to dedicate a whole blog entry… as a funeral service for my dear Tara.

Can we all have a moment of silence please?

*Silence*

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to honour the passing of a dear friend Tara.
(Note: Tammy is a nickname I gave Tara)

May she rest in peace at the better place she belongs to now.

In honour of my dear Tara, I have written her a poem in her memory.

AVENGE ME TARA!!!

AVEEEENGEEE ME!!!!!