I just got home from a night out with a couple of my childhood friends. Once whom I’ve known since I was 7 years old (Gin( and another since I was 14 (Rayvin).
Rayvin and I were telling Gin about how in St Xaviers where we used to go to school, there were two table tennis tables that everyone would play every morning before class started. One of it was reserved for the school team. The other though was open to everyone. There was an unwritten system on how everyone took turns to play. There will be two queues, one on each end of the table. Each person playing will get to play until they lose one point. The winner stays and the loser goes on the back of the queue again.
Table tennis was a sport I was good at because my Dad signed me up for coaching in my earlier years. So I remember the first time I played there. I did one heck of a rally, winning each person I came across, feeling all proud of myself. My friend Rayvin was one of those really good players as well so he had the same experience as I did.
We eventually joined the school team and graduated to the school team table where we didn’t have to line up anymore. We could play full sets and we would go to school at 6.30AM just to play until the bell rung at 7.40AM. Then we would rush to class, all sweaty and go through the day all sticky but feeling like it was worth it.
“I miss school”, Rayvin said. It hit me then that I didn’t share his sentiment. For many reasons I’ve never really enjoyed my school years. In school I didn’t feel free. I felt like I had to do things that I didn’t like, study things that I didn’t like. Now in the working world though we have options. If you didn’t like your job you could find another one.
Then I looked back at my past and wondered if there was at least something I missed of my school years and there was. I missed the innocence I had. Not knowing how big the world around me was (back then I used to think Penang was the world). Life was a lot simpler then too but at the moment it didn’t feel like it. If people in school talked bad about me, it felt like a negative FB posting about me had gone viral. Yet when I think of myself as a kid I can’t help but wonder what I would have told school-going Tim.
Would I tell him the life that he was going to have ahead of him. The mistakes he was going to make, so he wouldn’t make them? Or would not making those mistakes make me a weaker person. I find life very complicated. It’s complicated because at every point in life there are always things to fix, challenges to face and issues to solve.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been blessed. Career wise Colony seems to be taking off really well and I have enough money to live a decent life. I have a wonderful family and enjoy the company of both my parents who are still healthy and well. So why is life complicated?
Life is complicated because on one hand we always want more… we want something or another to be perfect while knowing that perfection is an unattainable quest. So we chase something better. Better financial security, better house, better car, better holidays, better friends, better relationships better everything. But each time we achieve that better thing….. we realise that we need to go even better.
When do we stop? When do we stop trying to be better? Trying to outdo ourselves or anyone else around us. When do we just stop and say “I am totally okay with where I am now”. How does that feel? Is happiness achieved then?
I don’t know… and sometimes I feel like I’m afraid to find out. Afraid to find out if not going for better means I’m not getting better. And not getting better might mean that I might get worse….
Life is complicated…