For some reason, my apartment has been a little infested with cockroaches lately and that is really very surprising to me seeing how damn bloody sparkling clean my apartment is.
That being said, I can live with a few cockroaches around I mean heck, they’re only part of our ecosystem. If your home doesn’t have cockroaches it has lizards or mosquitoes or whatever so I guess we all have to settle for some pest sooner or later.
Lately however, the cockroaches have been getting on my nerves.
One time, Samantha was over at my place and using the toilet when she suddenly screamed from inside
“AIEEEEEEEEEeeeeee!!!!! COCKROACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Immediately running out to me and saying
“KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!!”
My favourite tool for killing cockroaches is the way they used to do it centuries ago… using a cannon from Fort Cornwallis.
OR using a newspaper, whichever nearer and within reach.
I mean nothing beats a newspaper, just two hard whacks and any cockroach dies instantly… meaning its feelers don’t even move!
Another time Sam screamed for help, I got a piece of tissue paper, caught the cockroach with it in my hand and squished it then flushed it down the toilet.
Sam said it was a disgusting way to kill a cockroach.
I mean.. what the hell is a CIVILIZED way of killing a cockroach? Catch it, put it in an aquarium with food and a TV in it and wait for it to die of old age?!? 
Anyway I never let the cockroaches bother me much until…. yesterday.
I was taking a shower and I suddenly felt something crawling around my foot. I looked down only to see a damn cockroach there.
My first impulse (and I would imagine anyone else’s would be) was to drown it with my shower water.
Once I wet it enough, I stepped out of the shower to grab another piece of tissue paper and squished it only to later flush it down the toilet.
I was pissed off.
I can live with seeing a few of them every once in a while BUT YOU DO NOT DISTURB A MAN’S PRIVATE TIME IN THE SHOWER!!!
THIS IS WAR!!!!!!!
So just today I went to the supermarket and found myself in this aisle.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH all the deadly weapons I would need for my war against the cockroaches.
There were a few kinds.
The typical spray and even all sorts of cockroach traps.
I stocked up my grocery basket with some sprays and what I like to call “land mines”.
These are cockroach traps with ‘food’ for the cockroach to go inside and take. Then the cockroach brings the food back to its home and its family only to find out later that IT IS POISONOUS AND THEY ALL DIE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhhahaahahah
The minute I got home I started laying my land mines around my house.
They come packed together like that.
Only for you to separate them and lay them around corners of your kitchen and/or toilet.
Then I got my firearm (spray) with me and started walking around my apartment looking for some cockroaches to kill.
Cockroaches love to hide in dark and even more so in damp areas so I opened some of my kitchen cabinets and sprayed inside.
Instantly a few cockroaches came out and I was just about to pick them up and squish them when I noticed Sam next to me watching what I would do.
So I killed them in a less violent way, just spray them to death.
Heck, Ming once told me he saw a big cockroach that he had to empty 1/5 of one of these spray cans on.
The result was satisfying.
I killed so many cockroaches just like that.
Sam was too disgusted to look so eventually I had to ask Ming to help me take pictures of me fighting my little battle.
Of course it wasn’t quite an even match.
There I was with every weapon available to eliminate the cockroaches and there wasn’t too much that they could do about it but run.
Ah.. only thing is.. I’ve killed so many cockroaches in the past 30 minutes that I sometimes wonder if there will be some gigantic sized mother cockroach out there coming to look for me at work one day.
Don’t think my ’tissue squishing’ trick will work on that one. I’d better bring along one of these sprays wherever I go.
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space