I hate watching horror movies.
Why? Because they’re just plain sadistic and they always run along the same storyline.
Correct me if I’m wrong but this is how they ALL are.
First 20% of the movie
They introduce the characters in the movie (the characters that are all going to die in the end except for the hero and his girlfriend). The opening scene is always a bright and happy one,
to make up for the rest of the movie that will be pretty much in almost total darkness.
20-40% of the movie
The audience is shown little signs of the evil things that are going to slaughter all the humans in the movie. Now it doesn’t matter if they’re vampires, zombies, snakes, ghosts, aliens, a psychopathic killer or even a giant meat eating bunny.
They’re all the same and are there just to feast on humans.
So from now on I’ll just refer to those things as the notty creatures.
40-50% of the movie
The first human victim dies and he/she is always alone.
He/she will probably be in some secluded quiet area with nobody around then he/she will hear a sound. Then he/she will go around investigating that sound saying
“Hello??? Anybody here?”
And the music will start being thriller like.
Then suddenly the notty creatures will come out and devour on that poor first victim.
50-60% of the movie
More and more humans start to get devoured by the notty creatures but they will all have their different ways of dying. You know, it’s almost as if the notty creatures like to find different ways to eat their prey and they’re always very gory.
The humans, including the hero start running away from the notty creatures.
60-70% of the movie
When it hiding, the hero always begins to learn that he is in love with his girl that he’s protecting and she’s in love with him.
In some movies they shag, but in most they don’t bother showing that.
70-90% of the movie
The hero decides that it is time to stop running and start fighting.
Whichever way it is, the hero by now would have figured out a weakness in the notty creature but the antidotes to killing the notty creatures is somewhere far far away and dangerous but the hero steps up to the plate and says something along the lines of
“I’ll do it… I’m the only one that can do it!”
90-100% of the movie
They start killing all the notty creatures and soon they free themselves from all the notty creatures.
There are normally only a handful of them left by the end of the movie.
And that’s it!
That’s just about what every horror movie is like.
Makes you wonder why people watch it right?
Well I don’t enjoy watching it because it’s so saddistic!
But once in a while if there is a good reason to watch it then I’ll watch it. Like watching Paris Hilton get killed House of Wax.
Well just a few days ago, I had a good reason to watch one again.
I got a call from one of our Nuffnang clients on Friday evening just after 5.
“Oi Tim, we got two spare tickets to watch 30 Days of Night… wan or not?”
I immediately hesitated and said
“Eh dowan larr… I don’t like to watch these kind of movies. So depressing”.
But the client was insistent
“Come lar… I also scared, just that they all (“they all” being all my other clients) all want to go watch so just watch lor”.
Without thinking much I said
“Ah fine lar fine lar… I’ll go”.
20 minutes later and after watching the trailer of 30 Days of Nights on YouTube, I began to regret.
I MSN’ed my client
Stewie: Eh I dowan go lar!!!! I don’t like to watch these kind of movies wan.. I sked…
Client: GO LAR!!!
Stewie: Dowan lar! I sked lar….
At this point I was prepared for my client to pull the ‘ego card’… you know where the person trying to get you to watch a movie you don’t want to watch will call you a chicken or make chicken sounds like
“Brawwkkk puk puk puk puk puk puk… CHICKEN!!!”
That trick gets most guys especially when it comes from a girl and it used to work on me… but not anymore, so I was prepared for it.
But my client used a whole different tactic on me this time. And on my MSN window, the message popped up.
Client: Which one you more sked of? You more sked to watch that movie or you more sked that I won’t give you anymore business ever.
I didn’t need to think… I MSN’ed back.
Stewie: Ok see you there at 8pm.
And that movie was so damn stressful to watch.
Seriously, just people being tortured or killed by vampires with heads being chopped off every here and there and sounds of screams throughout the whole movie. And you know what the joke is?
We watched the movie in the cinema… so cinemas censor movies that are 18SG right?
Well for this particular movie, they censored all the F words, the kissing and all, but didn’t censor any of all that disgusting gore.
But… that is the reality of life.
Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the people who PAY you money for your bills aka THE CLIENT.
*sigh*
Timothy Tiah – Co-Founder of Colony, Kuala Lumpur Co-Working Space