TimothyTiah.com

Books You Don’t Want To Be Caught Buying

Ahhhh the book store.

I don’t know about everyone else but I love book stores.

Malaysians in general don’t exactly have the habit of reading.

Go to a McDs in Malaysia and quite rarely you will see anyone reading a book there.

Go to a McDs in London and you’ll most definitely at least one person eating alone and reading a book there.

And in case any of you were wondering… the answer is
“NO… reading the daily newspaper,FHM, CLEO and etc etc… DOES NOT COUNT as HAVING A READING HABIT“.

It’s interesting to see what kind of things people read.

A pawn shop owner who happens to be a watch enthusiast once told me that the watch you wear tells people what kind of person you are (because pawn shops have plenty and plenty of watches).

But I think the truth is that it’s the books you read that tell people what kind of person you are.

In bookshops, some people can actually take pride in showing others what they buy.

For example,

Say you were at the Cashier in MPH paying for your book/magazine and right next to you was a hot girl looking at what you were buying. If she caught you buying Da Vinci Code years ago…
You can confidently look at her without a blink and say
“Yeah baby… Da Vinci Code is the coolest book in town now.. and I’m buying it… so I’m cool too.”

And the hot girl would believe you and might even giggle.

Or if you get caught buying a magazine like Men’s Health,
Then you can stand proud and say that you are truly A MAN.

Or even if you get caught buying a book like this.
Then you can proudly say to the hot girl

“Yes… it’s true. I’m a compulsive smoker and I’m trying to change.

So what reading material shouldn’t you be caught buying?

I’m sure some people would say that they’d never want to be caught buying a dirty magazine by a woman.

But I disagree.

If you ever get caught buying a Playboy… just turn and look at the woman and say
“Do you read this magazine? Man there are some beautiful women in there that are almost as beautiful as you”.

How bad can that be?

What you REALLY DON’T WANT TO GET CAUGHT BUYING ARE BOOKS LIKE THIS


In which you should turn to the hot girl next to you and say
“Oh… this is for my little brother. He kept asking me all these questions so I decided to get him a book that explains everything”.

What you DON’T SAY is something like
“Oh it’s not for me… it’s for a friend”.

Because she won’t believe you.

In fact, that’s just as good as saying
“I wank 3 times a day, 21 times a week and 1092 times a year. I am the Masta of Masturbation… THE MASTA!!!!”.

So yes… being caught buying a book like that will probably bring you down to the lowest you’ve ever felt in your life in which you would probably ask yourself

“What could be worse than this?”

Well… the answer is: If you get caught reading a book like thisThat says on its cover
“Find out why masturbation is destroying your life and what you can do to stop it.
Life is very short, don’t waste your valuable time masturbating”.

In this case, don’t bother saying anything to the hot girl.

Don’t try to say you’re buying it for your little brother because she really won’t believe you.

Heck, don’t even try to play the honest man card and say
“Yes… it’s true. I’m a compulsive masturbator and I’m trying to change.

DON’T… DON’T say anything to her.

Just take your book and your receipt, turn your back and run… run… RUN BEFORE SHE CALLS THE COPS!!!


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The Buildings in London

London is a very old city.

So naturally, most of the buildings there look as old as anything.
Yet I’m always amazed at some things at London and it’s not just how the cars there can have the most ridiculous number plates ever
but how the buildings look ancient from the outside like this


or this
but on the inside they look… rather different.

Take for example the hotel I stayed in when I was there.

On the outside, it looked old and lacking a fresh coat of paint like this.

But on the inside it looked like this.
That’s right… no spider webs, no footprints on the wall
No leaking ceiling or anything.

Quite the opposite of the buildings in Malaysia which tend to look nice on the outside but look like prisons on the inside.

Leaving London

I’m leaving London today. And this time I’m leaving for good.

For the first time in 3 years, I sit in the lounge at Heathrow Airport waiting for my flight, typing the last blog entry that I will ever type in the UK for quite a while.One day many years from now, people are going to ask me what is it that I did on the last day, the last time I was in London.

I’m going to pretend to ‘try to remember’, then I’m going to tell them the truth.

That on the last day that I was in London, I was at the Four Seasons Restaurant at Bayswater.

Yes, the little restaurant at Bayswater that had recently put up the little cute window sticker to tell people that it is on Google Maps.
So there I was on Friday 8th of September, standing in front of the Four Seasons, saying a last goodbye to all the roast duck that made life so good for me.


I said goodbye to the waiters at the restaurant that I managed to make friends with over the past 3 years that I’ve been in London.

One of them shook my hand and made me promise me to go back there again when I make it big some day.

I smiled at him, told him that I hope that would really come true and I walked out the door for the last time.

So here I am, back in the lounge at Heathrow Airport.In a short while I will hear the woman over the speaker calling for me to board my flight.

Then I would have one last chance… to say goodbye to London.

Goodbye London… it has been a good 3 years.

PS: Sorry guys.. couldn’t tarpau any duck for you.. they wouldn’t let me bring it through the security check. I think they’re afraid I’ll use the ducks to hijack the plane which is a valid concern.

My UCL Graduation Ceremony

Yesterday was the officially the end of my academic life: My Graduation.

It was the day that finally marked the ending of my 3 years at University College London and also probably the last time I would get to see many of the great friends I made at university.

Pic Info: A picture of me and one of my best friends at university: Hasan Ali from the Middle-East.

The Ceremony kicked off with the Vice-Provost of UCL giving a rather interesting speech which I guess was aimed at convincing all of us how good UCL is.

UCL is the 3rd oldest university in the UK (right after Oxford and Cambridge) and apparently one of the four UK universities that made it to the Top 25 Universities of the World according to a ranking by Newsweek (somebody wanna double-check this little statement for me?) Perhaps I should’ve reminded him that back in Malaysia, few has ever heard of UCL but I pondered the possibility of me being beaten up very badly by UCL-Patriots there and I decided to keep my mouth shut.

So I focused my attention to everything else on stage.
I just couldn’t help but notice that halfway through the ceremony, a good number of the academic professors on stage were falling asleep one by one. Then again, I guess it’s not my place to blame them for that since this is probably just one of the million graduation ceremonies they would have to be going in their lifetimes. Then before I knew it, it was my turn to go on stage to shake hands with the Almighty Vice-Provost of UCL.

My name was called and I heard the clappings of the audience that I bet were very bored by the time it reached my turn.

I walked on to the stage and shook hands with the Vice Provost and he said to me
“Congratulations on your graduating from University College London, what are your plans now?

I looked at him with a nervous smile while watching the professors behind me stare intently at me and I replied
“I run an internet business of my own now sir.

I looked at him expecting him to say
“WHAT?! YOU FOOL!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU GO WORK IN AN INVESTMENT BANK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AND MAKE BIG MONEY?!?!

But instead he said
“Wow!!! That’s very enterprising of you. I do wish you good luck and hope you succeed.

I said
“Thank you… I hope so too“.

and I walked off the stage.

Anyway, since it was the last time I was going to see many of my friends we made sure that we took lots of pictures.

It was interesting seeing where many of my friends were going.

A big bulk of them had jobs at investment banks like Goldman Sachs, ABN Amro, Deutsche Bank and JP Morgan and another big bulk of them were going off to do postgraduate studies at universities like Harvard and Stanford. Pic Info: Alina, Joanne and I waiting for the ceremony to start

It was truly humbling being in the presence of all these high achievers and you know will somehow make it big one day in whatever they do.
Pic Info: My last picture with Alina right after our Graduation Ceremony.

Anyway, for those of you who might be interested, here’s a video of the defining moment when I went on stage to shake hands with the Vice-Provost.

For a bunch of 22 year olds in London, a new chapter in life has just begun.

A Citigroup Intern’s Birthday Bash (Part 2)

Not long ago I made a blog entry about a Citigroup Intern’s Birthday Bash at London.


For those of you who don’t remember reading it, please click here to refresh your memory before carrying on with the rest of this post.

While surfing the internet in my tiny London Hotel Room I managed to find a reply to her e-mail by a senior colleague at Citigroup which I think is worth reading.

Dear Lucy,

Apologies for emailing on a private email address but I am currently onholiday in Barbados and refusing to access my Citigroup emails.

However,I have had your email forwarded to me by one of my senior colleaguesabout your party this Friday.

Unfortunately I will not be able to make it as:

1. I always wear jeans and a t-shirt on the weekend (no exceptions)

2.The ritz is SO last season.

3. I would rather not have to waste timebuying you a card and present, which you probably wouldn’t need anyway

4. Your PA has advised me that most people won’t be turning up so Iwon’t miss much

5. Like most people, I’m not very good at sticking toarrival times and would probably miss my slot.

On a serious note, based on your email, I am quite dumbfounded with how you managed to get a job here with us this summer and i will be having some SERIOUS words with the person who interviewed you.

The fact thatyou have obviously spent a lot of our ‘Work Time’, planning your birthday party and not doing the work we have given you is a clearindication that you are not taking this internship seriously and are not dedicated to the firm.

I do not think we will be in a position to offeryou a full time graduate placement following the internship.

Kind regards,

David Townsend

Executive Director

Global FI Trading Floor

I can’t think of a better reply.

The man’s a genius!

Anyway, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to be Lucy Gao since on top of all the material things she probably already has in this world, she now has FAME and even a T-Shirt named after her and all she had to do was write an e-mail invitation.


Well done Lucy.

Meanwhile, I happened to find someone else’s Birthday Invitation.

Do check it out…

‘You are all cordially invited to my birthday party in McDonalds, Brixton.

Please get there early to avoid missing out on the buy-one-get-one-free cheeseburger offer (only available before 2pm)…

Please purchase your own food…. I will pay for your ketchup…. you will only get one tub….. between two.

Dress code: The more upper class you dress the more likely you are to get mugged.If you have any issues getting to McDonalds, please contact my pimp. He has several mobile phone numbers.

You should try to use the word ‘wicked’ as many times as you can when speaking to him. That way, at least he’ll understand you.

You will be welcomed outside McDonalds by a tramp sitting by the entrance, and pretending to play the harmonica…

When asked “do you have any change?”…. just make as if you can’t speak English…. like this… “Me No Inglish”, and enter.

Please conserve your money for the happy meals.

Entertainment will be provided courtesy of the Metropolitan Police, who will be escorting a group of ASBO kids out on a day-trip.

McDonalds have arranged for a lovely angel cake for us to look at.

PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE CAKE….. You touch, you buy!

No boxed gifts…. I will, however, accept milk vouchers.Its gonna be pukka!’

You’ve gotta pity the poor guy.

Somebody spare him some change.

Guess Where I am

I was supposed to be leaving Penang for London this afternoon for my graduation ceremony on Wednesday. But last Friday morning I woke up from my sleep all sweaty and anxious.

I had been dreaming of Roast Duck at Four Seasons in London and I couldn’t take it. I had lived 3 months without it and it was getting too long.

I picked up the phone straight away and called my travel agent.

“Miss Wong, I need a flight to the UK SOON“.

Miss Wong, a little startled by me calling her so early in the morning calmly and professionally replied

“Yes Mr Tiah, we’ve already confirmed you on the Monday morning flight to London.”

I brought myself together and tried to be calm.

“Maybe you don’t understand me Miss Wong. I need to get there SOON and SOON is NOT NEXT Monday. Get me the earliest flight possible! Even if it’s today!!”

She promised me that she would do her best to find the earliest flight she could and she hung up.

A couple of days and a 12 hour flight later….

Guess where I am…

Here’s a hint.. where I am, there is a huge huge wheel thingy called the London Eye. Ah Yes… Four Seasons Duck.. here I come. Of course, after I deliver this little bag of mooncakes I brought all the way from Singapore to the Queen of England at Buckingham Palace.

A Letter from the Boss

Imagine this.

It’s a Tuesday morning and you walk into your office on time and ready for work.


Some of your colleagues seem to be in a slightly depressed mood but you think it’s because they’re stressed out with all the deadlines they have to meet.

You pour yourself a cup of coffee at the company pantry and you walk to your workstation where you sink into your seat. You open the newspaper you brought to work and at the same time you make a few clicks on your computer to check your e-mail and you get an e-mail telling you that you’ve just been fired (Thank you very much).

That is more or less what happened to 400 employees from the Radio Shack Headquarters in Texas last Tuesday morning at 8.45am.
The “lucky 400” employees who were in the list received this e-mail
The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately, your position is one that has been eliminated.”

Or in simple words it means

We’ve just fired you so that the rest of us can keep your jobs. Ha Ha!

Now what on Earth is up with that?

What happened to the times when your boss would tell you personally

You’re fired! Now get the hell out of my office“.

Or when you would get a letter nicely printed on Company Stationery with nice words like this letter here from the imaginary multi-million dollar toilet paper company Sai Chua Berhad.

Dear Kok Yew,

Your work and contribution to our Company (Sai Chua Berhad) has been essential to our success.

In the past two years we have grown from a company with just 200 employees to one with over 1,000 employees and from just one brand of toilet paper to over 40 brands including our latest “Veli Veli Soft Like Silk”, the new model of our older brand “Soft Like Silk”.


Our revenues have also tripled in just the last 6 months alone and we know that all this success is owed to your work and contribution to the Company.

All your colleagues have nothing but praises for your work ethic and they all marvel at your integrity to the company shown simply by your reluctance to even steal the paper clips from our office.

We even notice how you sparingly drink water from our water cooler in order to lowe our company’s costs.

You are truly the best employee we have ever had.

However, in spite of all this you may have already known that last week we interviewed a woman that goes by the name of Jessica Alba and she very much wanted your position.


She was interviewed by all the male senior managers and everyone felt that she was better suited for your position of Head of Toilet Paper Sales after she told us of her extraordinary sales experience where she managed to sell a bottle of water to a man dying of thirst in the Sahara Desert.

All 6 of the 10 managers of our branch agreed that we just had to employ Jessica Alba. The remaining 4 managers (who were all women) protested strongly against our decision but we know for sure that we are making the right move for the future of the company.

Without Jessica Alba, our male-dominated Toilet Paper company will lose motivation to come to the office to work. Therefore we have to employ her.

However, the Sai Chua Berhad HQ in Penang has refused to take on Jessica Alba simply because our branch has supposedly over-stretched our labour budget.

This could mean two things. Either we can’t afford to employ Miss Alba or we fire somebody in the company to give room for her.

Fortunately for the rest of us at the company, we decided to make room for her by firing someone.
After countless meetings with other male managers, we’ve decided that of all the male employees here at Sai Chua Berhad, you were the best looking and most charming employee.

You are the only one among us who does not wear pants high up to the tummy or button your shirt all the way to the top.

Therefore in our foresight, should you ever be around when we hire Jessica Alba, you will take her away from all of us, leaving the rest of us 40-year old virgins behind.
It is because of this reason and this reason alone that we proudly announce to you that you are to be fired effective immediately. Please gather all your things and vacate the office premises before 2.00pm today since Jessica Alba will be coming in at 2.30pm.

Allow me this opportunity to thank you very much for the sacrifice you’re making for the team.

Should any of your future employers contact me for a reference, I shall tell them that you are an excellent toilet paper sales man having managed to sell toilet paper to an elephant two years ago.

I shall also tell them about the time you managed to skillfully sell our stainless steel toilet paper roll to the mother-in-laws of everyone at the company.

But more importantly, I shall tell them how you ‘willingly’ took one for the team.

I wish you the very best in your future undertakings.

Yours Sincerely,
Khoo Khoo Chiaw
Managing Director of Sai Chua Berhad
Kuala Lumpur Branch.

What is a Moron?

According to Dictionary.com, a moron is defined as:
a person who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment

Sure that’s the definition, but most people prefer to grasp concepts by example rather than by definition.

So let us find an example of a moron by looking at the people who’ve been called ‘morons’ in the past.

Not along ago, a top aide to the Canadian Prime Minister once called George Bush a “MORON” (and Bush supposedly heard it behind his back).

So is Bush a moron?
Well… I guess no matter how good or bad his decisions are, calling him a moron is a little harsh.

So who really justifies being called a moron?

This woman does.

Woman Crashes When Teaching Dog to Drive

BEIJING (AP) – A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China’s Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday.

No injuries were reported although both vehicles were slightly damaged, it said.

The woman, identified only be her surname, Li, said her dog “was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive,” according to Xinhua.

“She thought she would let the dog ‘have a try’ while she operated the accelerator and brake,” the report said. “They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.”

Xinhua did not say what kind of dog or vehicles were involved but Li paid for repairs.

Okay okay… let me say that again so that I’m sure I’m not hallucinating this,
A WOMAN CRASHES HER CAR FOR TRYING TO TEACH HER DOG HOW TO DRIVE.

Now I’m sure there are many types of morons out there… but what I want to know is.. WHAT KIND OF MORON TRIES TO TEACH HIS/HER DOG TO DRIVE?

But no no no…. I always try to look at the better side of things.

Maybe she’s not a ‘moron’. Maybe she’s really a genius that sees the future.

And the future has dogs driving cars in it so she wants her dog to be the first of all Car-Driving Dogs.

But why stop at getting dogs to drive?

Why don’t we get them to join the army and fight our wars for us?
Or get them to run our governments.

And since dogs are drivers and hence potentially automobile consumers, why don’t we even make dog cars?
Well we won’t!

Why?

Because not all of us are morons.

A Citigroup Intern’s Birthday Bash

I got forwarded an e-mail from one of my old investment banker friends not long ago.

Attached was an e-mail invitation of an intern at Citigroup London.
She was celebrating her 21st Birthday and decided to invite many of her London friends, including some of her friends from her work place.

Her birthday invitation was so ridiculous that it got forwarded among bankers from London all the way to those here in Southeast Asia.

Check it out.

Note: I’ve changed her name and some details to protect her identity.

Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your replies and I am glad all of you can come this
Friday to celebrate my 21st with me.
Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into the Ritz.

Lilly’s 21st Birthday Party at The Ritz Hotel London
Friday, 6th of August

9pm – Champagne Reception
10pm – Photo Shoots

10:30pm – Blowing Candles

Mid-night Pangaea, Mayfair

I have arranged the Ritz to host a Champagne Reception with a selection
of Ritz Champagne for all my guests, this will be on me so please come
and indulge.

A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the Ritz
waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with Ritz cutleries,
etc…also on me.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ENTRY:

*When you arrive, take the Hotel entry on the opposite
side of
the Green Park tube station [Please refer to your arrival time at the
end of this email]

*When asked “how can I help you Sir/Madame?”, you reply
“I am here for Lilly’s Birthday Party at the Rivoli Bar”

* You will be escorted to the lounge area next to the
Rivoli bar, where you will hopefully see a gorgeous group of ladies.

If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the Ritz, please call my mobile on 07782 *** **** and my PA Ms Dill will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.

STRICT DRESS CODE:
Gentlemen: Jacket, shirt, and please also bring a tie (no jeans,trainers, flip-flops, polo-shirts)
Ladies: skirt/top, cocktail dress (no denim, min-skirts, flip-flips, bad
tastes)

Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress,
the less likely you shall be denied entry.
Advice 2: Photos will be taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will
be distributed once processed, therefore you may want to be
well-groomed! 😉

Finally…
I will be accepting cards and small gifts between 9pm to 11pm… hehehe
I very much look forward to seeing you all at the Ritz this Friday.

Lilly

ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]
9:00pm: Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa,

Kate.
9:15pm: Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick,
Harry.
9:30pm: Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana,
Krystal, Dan.
9:45pm: Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.
10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi

Now that sounds like such a fun Birthday Bash… you know… the kind Hitler might’ve planned if he was still around today.

Boss Stewie is inspired!

I’m going to send out invitations right now for my next Birthday Bash and inviting all my readers!

Boss Stewie’s Birthday Bash 2007

Dear Friends,

You are all invited for Stewie’s 23rd Birthday Bash on board the Russian Space Station (The MIR) at 7.30pm on the 6th of June 2007.

Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into MIR.

7.00PM – Arrival at Kuala Lumpur International Airport.
7.30PM – Arrival at MIR.

8.00PM – Champagne Reception
8.30PM – Photoshoot with Boss Stewie (Ladies first).
9.00PM – Singing of Birthday Song.

9.30PM – Continued Singing of Birthday Song.
10.00PM – Continued Singing of Birthday Song.

10.30PM – Cutting of Cake.
11.00PM – Cake Eating Session.
12.00AM – Party all night with performances from Beyonce, Ciara,
Snoop Dog and Usher.

I have arranged for the party to be held on the MIR where we shall all party with the view of the Planet Earth in the distance.
A specially made Birthday Cheesecake with Godiva Chocolates and cheese specially ordered from the South of France will be available on board the MIR.

An open bar with an unlimited supply of the world’s finest wine, champaign and whiskey will be available upon request (I believe that if we are going to get drunk, we should do it with the most expensive alcohol money can buy).

INSTRUCTIONS FOR ENTRY:
* When you arrive at KLIA, take the airport VIP entrance.
[Please refer to your arrival time at the end of this email]

* When asked “How can I help you Sir/Madame?”, you should stand in a group just like they do in Star Trek and say

“Beam Me Up Sir”.
* You will be teleported thousands of feet above to the MIR Space Station lounge area, where you will see a group of gorgeous semi-nude ladies. You should then go up and say to them

“Ladies, I am here for Boss Stewie’s 23rd Birthday Bash“.

In which they will first giggle (if they don’t giggle first please let me know and I shall have them fired), then say
“Right this way Sir/Madame“.

When you enter the party area, you will be shown to your tables but feel free to mix around my other guests like

George Bush & Tony BlairBill & Melinda Gates

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Scarlett Johansson
and of course

Will Smith who will sing a rap version of my Birthday Song
If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the MIR, please call my mobile at 016 4827382 and my PA (Personal Assistant) Ms Penelope will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.


STRICT DRESS CODE:
Gentlemen: Tuxedo from any Designer Label ie Armani, Zegna, Versace and etc etc. (No guys.. Espirit does NOT count as a designer label)

Ladies: Bikinis or less

Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more money you have and the more flashy car you arrive in, the less likely you will be denied entry.

So please come in Ferraris, Lamborginis, Rolls, Maybachs and all cars valued RM1.2 million and above.
(Porsches, BMWs, Mercedes and below will get you kicked out of the KLIA VIP Entrance the minute you get down from your car).

Advice 2: Photos will be taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will
be published on all major newspapers in the world such as The New York Times and also in famous magazines such as Time, Newsweek and Forbes so make sure you dress well.

Finally…
I will be accepting cards and expensive gifts valued at no less than RM500,000 each between 9pm to 11pm… BWAHAHAHA
I very much look forward to seeing you all at MIR this coming June.

Boss Stewie

ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]

9:00pm: Lance , William Leong, Jason, Alynna, Lasker

9:15pm: Gwenneh, Dawn, Suicidal, J

9:30pm: Earl Ku, Hasan, Chocolat, Leon,

9:45pm: Yothemans, Fat 4, man|acz, Baby Bluey, Yen Shiong

10:00pm: Cely, Cecilia, Skyler, Adrianbaby,

Ahh… If only it were all for real…

Futels: A Business That Makes Good Money

In the past month or so I’ve been talking to people from all walks of life.

Bankers, entrepreneurs and even property developers and they all tell me one thing:

If you want to make good money… just do a FUTEL.

For those of you who’ve never heard of the term, FUTEL is short for FU*K HOTEL or basically… a hotel just for people to go and ‘have a good time’ (ie have a shag).

Now there are many types of Hotels and not all of them are Futels.

Some hotels are meant for BUSINESS…
Some hotels are meant for FAMILY

And some hotels are meant for… well… uhmm… “FUN“…

Futels are profitable because their occupancy rate need not be under 100%. It could be 200-300% if they like because one room can be used by more than one customer each day.

In other words, rather than renting the room by the day… some of them rent their rooms by the HOUR which is more or less enough time for some… uhmm… “FUN“.
So my fellow entrepreneur wannabes… why waste time trying to come up with a new product.

Go for a tried and true business model that is sure to make money.

Here’s what you need.

1) HOTEL
First you need a hotel (Costing RM500,000-RM1,000,000).

Now don’t be an idiot and break all your balls by build a hotel like THIS.

All you need is a hotel like this (or maybe slightly bigger).
And forget about swimming pools or any other facilities.

Heck don’t even think of having a tiny fish pond in your lobby.

The only facility you should even CONSIDER is a condom vending machine like they have overseas.

2) BEDROOMS

You do not need (and your clients probably wouldn’t care about) a well furnished room like this since it’s only going to be used by each customer for only a few hours.

Build a room that is big enough to fit one or two beds since that’s where your clients are going to be for most of the 3 hours that they’re going to be there.
or if you can take it the extra mile and have NOTHING but a bed in the room.

Not even a blanket.
3) STAFF

For your kind of hotel, you DON’T need staff like that that probably cost RM2,000 each.

What the heck for.

All you need is Aunty Jenny here to help you clean up your rooms at ‘scene of the crime’ and she might even be nice and do it for only RM800 a month.
So there you have it everyone.

All you need are these 3 things and you’ll be a millionaire in no time.

Of course, the question many of you would ask me is
“If everybody already starts up FUTELS because they know for sure they make money… then how can we make money?

Well lets do a rough estimation.

According to the 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey, Malaysians have sex 83 times a year.

Given that there are 25 million Malaysians out there, that equates to a whopping 1 BILLION times that sex occurs in Malaysia every year (Assuming that each Malaysian has sex with another Malaysian).
Now if you manage to get 0.001% of them to do it in your FUTEL, that’s about 10,000 times and if you charge only RM50 per room per time (note that your rooms don’t go by per day but by the hour), that’s RM500,000 revenue.

And what is your cost?

Aunty Jenny that costs RM800 a month so that’s RM9,600 a year.
A Receptionist that costs RM1000 a month so that’s RM12,000 a year.
Electricity and other costs of lets say RM20,000 a month so that’s RM240,000 a year.

So your profit is RM260,000 and your cost of building the futels was.. what? RM500,000?

You’ll make back your investment in no time!

Of course the next question is… do people need to have sex?

Well….

Colony