A Woman’s Close Male Friend

Late last night a very depressed friend of mine called me up to vent all his feelings. Let me name this friend “Barney” (obviously not his real name).
Two years ago, Barney met the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life at a friend’s birthday party. I shall name this girl “Xena Warrior Princess” (again obviously not her real name).When they met, she belonged to someone else but Xena and her boyfriend at that time were going through a rough patch and it was obvious to everyone that they were about to break up.

So Barney saw the opportunity to be the next in line and he took it, calling and smsing her every day.

When the day finally came and Xena Warrior Princess broke up with her boyfriend, Barney was happy beyond belief but Xena told Barney that it was too soon for her to get into another relationship yet and she needed some time.

Fair enough, Barney said okay and he waited.

Fast forward two years later to today.

Barney called me last night to tell me that he was almost in tears because he had waited so long for Xena only to find that Xena had just gotten herself a new boyfriend. When Barney asked why the new boyfriend wasn’t him, Xena said

“I like you Barney… I think you’re a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you but I don’t like you in that way”.

Hearing the frustration in his voice, Barney asked me

And my reply to him was this

“Barney, every decent looking woman has a close male friend and that male friend is probably or actually definitely interested in her which is why he’s always at her every beck and call but she only sees him as a friend.

So to make sure that he’s only a FRIEND, she always goes out to say

“You’re a brilliant guy and you have everything that a girl can ever ask for, but I don’t like you in that way”.

Or let me put this in another perspective (something I’ve heard before from somewhere).

This is like you going for a job interview with a company.
After putting you through a 6-hour interview the company says

“You have a great CV Barney and you have all the qualifications that we’re looking for in an employee. But we’re not going to employ you. We will however use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants.

But we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified than you and probably a bum who doesn’t work and has no future or even an alcoholic or drug addict. And if it doesn’t work out with the alcoholic, we still won’t hire you.We’ll hire someone else. In fact, we’ll never hire you, but we would like to call you every now and then to complain and whine to you about the guy we hired.”

Then I carried on to say

“So Barney, you now have two options. You either tell the “company” to bugger off and that you’re not interested in the job anymore.”

Or you could wait for the “company” to “hire” you until you realize that it’s never going to happen in which by then it’s too late, and you’ll die a virgin and the only sexual activity you’ll have in your entire life is with your right hand.

Barney then cut me off before I could continue and said

“But I love her… and I don’t care about anything else especially sex… I just want to be with her and if I have to wait longer I will”. In which I then replied

“Well I guess many years later when you’re finally done waiting and you’re too old to find another girl, you could always marry your right hand…

And he got fed up with me and said

Hmph… my friends don’t appreciate me…

PS: “Barney”, if you’re reading this… I’m sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up… you’ll still invite me to your wedding won’t you?

I promise I’ll bring expensive wedding presents for you “wife”… like Gucci Leather Gloves or branded hand moisturizer from Japan.

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Project Baby

As I mentioned in my previous post, last Saturday was my Baby’s birthday.

We’ve been together for almost 3 years now so I’m sure you can imagine that I’ve long past the “I’ve bought everything for her before” stage.

That’s right, in a year there are at least 6 times where the boyfriend is expected to give the girlfriend a present:

“Valentine’s Day”,
“Baby’s Birthday”,
“Baby I’m Sorry Day”,
“Baby I’m Sorry Again Day” and
“Baby I’ll Never Do It Again Day”

Yes, the truth is… I have given her all kinds of things before.

I have given her clothes, watches, stuffed toys, a mobile phones and even jewellery from Swarovski or like the Tiffany & Co Necklace she wore for one of my earlier birthday parties before.
On my Birthdays however, my Baby often takes the effort to “hand-make” my presents.

For example, this year she surprised me with a square-shaped wrapped present like thisand I opened it only to find this on the inside.

A hand-made… something… You know… the kind of thing only my grandmother knows how to do.

So I realized that this Birthday, I had to make my Baby something with my own hands.

Of course, my friends who knew me from childhood have always known that I’m hopeless in art so they kept telling me

“Stewie, if you don’t want your girlfriend to leave you, DON’T EVER DRAW ANYTHING for her…”

And I think they are right.

So I took some time to think… what is it that I could do that would require some effort on my behalf… but yet would NOT require me to show off my lousy art skills.

And in my sleep one night I had an idea!!!

My Baby and I have been together for so long and I’ve taken her to sooo many places in the past 3 years.

I’ve taken her many places from as near as Gentingto as far as Paris
and Rome

Yet, I don’t know if she would have remembered every moment of it.

So I looked through my computer for over 2,000 photos that we’ve taken since the start of our friendship.

And I found the first picture we ever took together years ago, back when I was a little nerdy computer geek and she was an innocent girl.

I shopped around for a nice photo album and I put that first picture we ever took on the front page with the words

“This is where it all began…”accompanied with a small personal letter.

Then there were the rest of the pictures.

After manualling going through over 2,000 of them and selecting them out one by one I made a trip to the photo printers and got them to print a selected 117 photos.

The photo printers gave me all the unsorted pictures in a bunch.Then came the real manual labour.

First, came the sorting of all the pictures from the first picture we ever took chronologically to the most recent picture we’ve taken.

Some of the pictures had dates on them so it was quite easy to sort them, but some didn’t so I found myself thinking hard and trying to figure out when each picture was taken.

So after some sorting

Came more sortingand even more sorting.
Hours later, I was sure I had everything in order and so the time came to put all 117 of them neatly into the photo album.

And after that, it was time for me to start writing the captions for each photo… that’s right.. all 117 of them.And a few days later… IT WAS COMPLETED!
On her Birthday Eve, I proudly presented my achievement to my Baby waiting to be praised!

But she looked at it and said
“I thought you said you hand made the present? CHEHH!!! This is cheating WAN!!!”

My heart broke but I guess maybe deep inside she did like it… at least that’s how I still get myself to sleep every night.

Baby’s Weekend

I have been receiving tons of e-mails and comments saying
“HAHAHAHA BOSS STEWIE… Your new blog is JUST like your OLD ONE”.

Which is not true… is not is not is not is not….

This blog is a boring PERSONAL blog just like it’s meant to be.

And I shall prove it now… with this post.. muahahaha

I was down in KL last weekend for my Baby’s birthday and a full weekend of celebration starting Friday.

On Friday night (which was the eve of her Birthday), we decided to keep things simple and just went for a simple dinner at San Francisco Steakhouse in KLCC where we took advantage of the cooling rainy day and sat outside on the balcony overlooking this view.Yes, that is a poor picture I managed to take of the view.

I spent 10 full minutes trying to readjust my camera settings over and over again but I just couldn’t take a decent picture of the fountain at KLCC Park.

I’m such a terrible photographer, it’s not even funny.

Anyway, after dinner I told my baby that I had to go somewhere to buy something and I told her to wait for me at Topman at KLCC.

I ran all the way to the other side of KLCC to buy myself a double scoop of Lecka Lecka and snuck behind a pillar with an advertisement on it to quickly finish my ice-cream.Unfortunately, my Baby knew what I was up to and caught me on camera (WITH MY OWN CAMERA AGAIN) eating quietly behind my pillar.

I spent the next 20 minutes listening to how fat I already am and why I shouldn’t be eating Lecka Lecka. Anyway, after KLCC we went to meet some friends at a cafe called “Heaven” in The Curve. I found that a little odd at first since the word “Heaven” always reminds me of the famous gay club in London where I was once conned by a group of girl friends into going and spent my night getting my ass gropped.Of course, “Heaven” also does remind me of the place where good people go and angels play harps.

I was a little late and my friends (Boss Lepton) included decided to pick the luckiest number for our table.

That’s right… to a Chinese, there is no luckier number than 44 (apart from 444 or 4444) right? We spent the night talking and laughing so hard it was actually painful at a certain stage.

If anyone can talk crap… it’s this group of friends in KL. Of course, by now you’re probably wondering…
“What kind of boring Birthday celebration was that?? Just sitting around having drinks…”

Well… the truth is that we were all preparing ourselves for the following night’s REAL Birthday celebration at Red Box.

My Baby loves karaoke, so 8 of us good friends decided to go spend 1/4 of a day (6 hours) in Redbox.

And we did.Probably the most fun karaoke session I’ve had ever been for.Oh and lets not forget the even more important part, the BIRTHDAY CAKE which was probably one of the most expensive Birthday cakes I have ever bought in my life.

See when looking for a nice Birthday cake, the usual thing that comes to mind is
“Hey, lets go to Secret Recipe!”.

But I decided that it was time to try something different. So we spent Saturday afternoon walking around 1-Utama until we found a good one at Bakerzine.

It was very pricery for a tiny cake, But it was worth every cent…

Boss Lepton was nice enough to pick up the tab for the second half of the karaoke session.

Maybe because the bill came up to RM444.44 and my Boss liked the number. Thank you Boss.

For some of you are probably wondering
“So what did Boss Stewie give his baby for her Birthday?”

Well.. that’s for another post to cover.

Personal Blog HOOOOOooooO!!!

Memo To My Employees

My aunty recently sent me a forwarded e-mail which featured a memo from a company’s HR to its employees.

I thought that the ideas in that e-mail were brilliant and I knew my little dotcom just had to incorporate these policies!

So I made some minor changes and sent it out to all my team members in my little dotcom.

Here is the version I sent out.

To all Employees:

Effective 1st October 2006

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year in which you won’t ever have to do any company related work. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of
choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

PS: Okay okay, the truth is… I really did send it to all my colleagues at work including my partner: Ming.

But I clearly stated to them that it was a joke… and that we’re not bastards 😛

Books You Don’t Want To Be Caught Buying

Ahhhh the book store.

I don’t know about everyone else but I love book stores.

Malaysians in general don’t exactly have the habit of reading.

Go to a McDs in Malaysia and quite rarely you will see anyone reading a book there.

Go to a McDs in London and you’ll most definitely at least one person eating alone and reading a book there.

And in case any of you were wondering… the answer is
“NO… reading the daily newspaper,FHM, CLEO and etc etc… DOES NOT COUNT as HAVING A READING HABIT“.

It’s interesting to see what kind of things people read.

A pawn shop owner who happens to be a watch enthusiast once told me that the watch you wear tells people what kind of person you are (because pawn shops have plenty and plenty of watches).

But I think the truth is that it’s the books you read that tell people what kind of person you are.

In bookshops, some people can actually take pride in showing others what they buy.

For example,

Say you were at the Cashier in MPH paying for your book/magazine and right next to you was a hot girl looking at what you were buying. If she caught you buying Da Vinci Code years ago…
You can confidently look at her without a blink and say
“Yeah baby… Da Vinci Code is the coolest book in town now.. and I’m buying it… so I’m cool too.”

And the hot girl would believe you and might even giggle.

Or if you get caught buying a magazine like Men’s Health,
Then you can stand proud and say that you are truly A MAN.

Or even if you get caught buying a book like this.
Then you can proudly say to the hot girl

“Yes… it’s true. I’m a compulsive smoker and I’m trying to change.

So what reading material shouldn’t you be caught buying?

I’m sure some people would say that they’d never want to be caught buying a dirty magazine by a woman.

But I disagree.

If you ever get caught buying a Playboy… just turn and look at the woman and say
“Do you read this magazine? Man there are some beautiful women in there that are almost as beautiful as you”.

How bad can that be?


In which you should turn to the hot girl next to you and say
“Oh… this is for my little brother. He kept asking me all these questions so I decided to get him a book that explains everything”.

What you DON’T SAY is something like
“Oh it’s not for me… it’s for a friend”.

Because she won’t believe you.

In fact, that’s just as good as saying
“I wank 3 times a day, 21 times a week and 1092 times a year. I am the Masta of Masturbation… THE MASTA!!!!”.

So yes… being caught buying a book like that will probably bring you down to the lowest you’ve ever felt in your life in which you would probably ask yourself

“What could be worse than this?”

Well… the answer is: If you get caught reading a book like thisThat says on its cover
“Find out why masturbation is destroying your life and what you can do to stop it.
Life is very short, don’t waste your valuable time masturbating”.

In this case, don’t bother saying anything to the hot girl.

Don’t try to say you’re buying it for your little brother because she really won’t believe you.

Heck, don’t even try to play the honest man card and say
“Yes… it’s true. I’m a compulsive masturbator and I’m trying to change.

DON’T… DON’T say anything to her.

Just take your book and your receipt, turn your back and run… run… RUN BEFORE SHE CALLS THE COPS!!!

The Buildings in London

London is a very old city.

So naturally, most of the buildings there look as old as anything.
Yet I’m always amazed at some things at London and it’s not just how the cars there can have the most ridiculous number plates ever
but how the buildings look ancient from the outside like this

or this
but on the inside they look… rather different.

Take for example the hotel I stayed in when I was there.

On the outside, it looked old and lacking a fresh coat of paint like this.

But on the inside it looked like this.
That’s right… no spider webs, no footprints on the wall
No leaking ceiling or anything.

Quite the opposite of the buildings in Malaysia which tend to look nice on the outside but look like prisons on the inside.

Leaving London

I’m leaving London today. And this time I’m leaving for good.

For the first time in 3 years, I sit in the lounge at Heathrow Airport waiting for my flight, typing the last blog entry that I will ever type in the UK for quite a while.One day many years from now, people are going to ask me what is it that I did on the last day, the last time I was in London.

I’m going to pretend to ‘try to remember’, then I’m going to tell them the truth.

That on the last day that I was in London, I was at the Four Seasons Restaurant at Bayswater.

Yes, the little restaurant at Bayswater that had recently put up the little cute window sticker to tell people that it is on Google Maps.
So there I was on Friday 8th of September, standing in front of the Four Seasons, saying a last goodbye to all the roast duck that made life so good for me.

I said goodbye to the waiters at the restaurant that I managed to make friends with over the past 3 years that I’ve been in London.

One of them shook my hand and made me promise me to go back there again when I make it big some day.

I smiled at him, told him that I hope that would really come true and I walked out the door for the last time.

So here I am, back in the lounge at Heathrow Airport.In a short while I will hear the woman over the speaker calling for me to board my flight.

Then I would have one last chance… to say goodbye to London.

Goodbye London… it has been a good 3 years.

PS: Sorry guys.. couldn’t tarpau any duck for you.. they wouldn’t let me bring it through the security check. I think they’re afraid I’ll use the ducks to hijack the plane which is a valid concern.

My UCL Graduation Ceremony

Yesterday was the officially the end of my academic life: My Graduation.

It was the day that finally marked the ending of my 3 years at University College London and also probably the last time I would get to see many of the great friends I made at university.

Pic Info: A picture of me and one of my best friends at university: Hasan Ali from the Middle-East.

The Ceremony kicked off with the Vice-Provost of UCL giving a rather interesting speech which I guess was aimed at convincing all of us how good UCL is.

UCL is the 3rd oldest university in the UK (right after Oxford and Cambridge) and apparently one of the four UK universities that made it to the Top 25 Universities of the World according to a ranking by Newsweek (somebody wanna double-check this little statement for me?) Perhaps I should’ve reminded him that back in Malaysia, few has ever heard of UCL but I pondered the possibility of me being beaten up very badly by UCL-Patriots there and I decided to keep my mouth shut.

So I focused my attention to everything else on stage.
I just couldn’t help but notice that halfway through the ceremony, a good number of the academic professors on stage were falling asleep one by one. Then again, I guess it’s not my place to blame them for that since this is probably just one of the million graduation ceremonies they would have to be going in their lifetimes. Then before I knew it, it was my turn to go on stage to shake hands with the Almighty Vice-Provost of UCL.

My name was called and I heard the clappings of the audience that I bet were very bored by the time it reached my turn.

I walked on to the stage and shook hands with the Vice Provost and he said to me
“Congratulations on your graduating from University College London, what are your plans now?

I looked at him with a nervous smile while watching the professors behind me stare intently at me and I replied
“I run an internet business of my own now sir.

I looked at him expecting him to say

But instead he said
“Wow!!! That’s very enterprising of you. I do wish you good luck and hope you succeed.

I said
“Thank you… I hope so too“.

and I walked off the stage.

Anyway, since it was the last time I was going to see many of my friends we made sure that we took lots of pictures.

It was interesting seeing where many of my friends were going.

A big bulk of them had jobs at investment banks like Goldman Sachs, ABN Amro, Deutsche Bank and JP Morgan and another big bulk of them were going off to do postgraduate studies at universities like Harvard and Stanford. Pic Info: Alina, Joanne and I waiting for the ceremony to start

It was truly humbling being in the presence of all these high achievers and you know will somehow make it big one day in whatever they do.
Pic Info: My last picture with Alina right after our Graduation Ceremony.

Anyway, for those of you who might be interested, here’s a video of the defining moment when I went on stage to shake hands with the Vice-Provost.

For a bunch of 22 year olds in London, a new chapter in life has just begun.

A Citigroup Intern’s Birthday Bash (Part 2)

Not long ago I made a blog entry about a Citigroup Intern’s Birthday Bash at London.

For those of you who don’t remember reading it, please click here to refresh your memory before carrying on with the rest of this post.

While surfing the internet in my tiny London Hotel Room I managed to find a reply to her e-mail by a senior colleague at Citigroup which I think is worth reading.

Dear Lucy,

Apologies for emailing on a private email address but I am currently onholiday in Barbados and refusing to access my Citigroup emails.

However,I have had your email forwarded to me by one of my senior colleaguesabout your party this Friday.

Unfortunately I will not be able to make it as:

1. I always wear jeans and a t-shirt on the weekend (no exceptions)

2.The ritz is SO last season.

3. I would rather not have to waste timebuying you a card and present, which you probably wouldn’t need anyway

4. Your PA has advised me that most people won’t be turning up so Iwon’t miss much

5. Like most people, I’m not very good at sticking toarrival times and would probably miss my slot.

On a serious note, based on your email, I am quite dumbfounded with how you managed to get a job here with us this summer and i will be having some SERIOUS words with the person who interviewed you.

The fact thatyou have obviously spent a lot of our ‘Work Time’, planning your birthday party and not doing the work we have given you is a clearindication that you are not taking this internship seriously and are not dedicated to the firm.

I do not think we will be in a position to offeryou a full time graduate placement following the internship.

Kind regards,

David Townsend

Executive Director

Global FI Trading Floor

I can’t think of a better reply.

The man’s a genius!

Anyway, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to be Lucy Gao since on top of all the material things she probably already has in this world, she now has FAME and even a T-Shirt named after her and all she had to do was write an e-mail invitation.

Well done Lucy.

Meanwhile, I happened to find someone else’s Birthday Invitation.

Do check it out…

‘You are all cordially invited to my birthday party in McDonalds, Brixton.

Please get there early to avoid missing out on the buy-one-get-one-free cheeseburger offer (only available before 2pm)…

Please purchase your own food…. I will pay for your ketchup…. you will only get one tub….. between two.

Dress code: The more upper class you dress the more likely you are to get mugged.If you have any issues getting to McDonalds, please contact my pimp. He has several mobile phone numbers.

You should try to use the word ‘wicked’ as many times as you can when speaking to him. That way, at least he’ll understand you.

You will be welcomed outside McDonalds by a tramp sitting by the entrance, and pretending to play the harmonica…

When asked “do you have any change?”…. just make as if you can’t speak English…. like this… “Me No Inglish”, and enter.

Please conserve your money for the happy meals.

Entertainment will be provided courtesy of the Metropolitan Police, who will be escorting a group of ASBO kids out on a day-trip.

McDonalds have arranged for a lovely angel cake for us to look at.

PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE CAKE….. You touch, you buy!

No boxed gifts…. I will, however, accept milk vouchers.Its gonna be pukka!’

You’ve gotta pity the poor guy.

Somebody spare him some change.

Guess Where I am

I was supposed to be leaving Penang for London this afternoon for my graduation ceremony on Wednesday. But last Friday morning I woke up from my sleep all sweaty and anxious.

I had been dreaming of Roast Duck at Four Seasons in London and I couldn’t take it. I had lived 3 months without it and it was getting too long.

I picked up the phone straight away and called my travel agent.

“Miss Wong, I need a flight to the UK SOON“.

Miss Wong, a little startled by me calling her so early in the morning calmly and professionally replied

“Yes Mr Tiah, we’ve already confirmed you on the Monday morning flight to London.”

I brought myself together and tried to be calm.

“Maybe you don’t understand me Miss Wong. I need to get there SOON and SOON is NOT NEXT Monday. Get me the earliest flight possible! Even if it’s today!!”

She promised me that she would do her best to find the earliest flight she could and she hung up.

A couple of days and a 12 hour flight later….

Guess where I am…

Here’s a hint.. where I am, there is a huge huge wheel thingy called the London Eye. Ah Yes… Four Seasons Duck.. here I come. Of course, after I deliver this little bag of mooncakes I brought all the way from Singapore to the Queen of England at Buckingham Palace.