TimothyTiah.com

Meeting William Leong

Yesterday I met up with one of my most faithful readers, William.
William studies in MMU but decided to make a trip down to Penang this holiday to pay me a visit.

We agreed to meet for lunch and I spent the morning thinking of where to bring the dude.

At first I thought that maybe I could bring him to a nice place like The Ship
to have a steak like this.

Or even to this nice Italian restaurant at Batu Feringgi called Mario’s.

Where I will always remember that I asked for a “Mushroom Soup” and they gave me a bun that was shaped like a titty with an abnormally large nipple.


Surprisingly, just like all ‘titties’ in real life, what was inside it was yummy.

One of the best mushroom soups I have ever had.

I even thought about the yummy pasta I had at Mario’s…

But before I went on to make the grave mistake of bringing him to any of these restaurants, I remembered that people come to Penang not for its restaurant food… but for its hawker food.

I thought of bringing him to the best beef ball noodle in Penang but it was closed… so we settled for… DUCK (which honestly happened to suck that day)!!!
Over the duck lunch we had, I got to know what a nice guy William is.

He’s one of those guys that is most certainly a keeper (girls if you would like his phone number, please e-mail me at lengmoublogs@yahoo.com).

Yet, what was more amazing was finding out how much William knew about all my blog entries.

He kept making references to my previous blog posts in all my conversations with him.

He even went to the building where I bought my computer software from and thought to himself
“Hey!!! I’ve SEEN THIS BUILDING BEFORE!!!”
Which was probably how he spotted me in real life…

He was probably waiting for me in my office lobby when he saw a man with a mole walk out of the lift and thought to himself

“HEY!!! I’VE SEEN THAT MOLE BEFORE!!!”

And went on to shout my name (William you bassstarrdd).

It was almost as if he’s a “walking Leng Mou/Boss Stewie directory”.

William brought a friend… a nice girl named… Lean Shin… (or some name that sounds close to that).After lunch we popped by Gurney Plaza for me to buy my weekly dosage of magazines which is when I found out the TRUE reason for William’s trip down to Penang.

William ‘casually mentioned’ to me that I am just too free to be reading so many magazines every week.

That’s right… the 22 year old man travelled all the way up north…

JUST TO TELL BOSS STEWIE THAT HE IS TOO FREE.
Thanks William… you basssstaarddd…

Or like they would say in some European countries…

You “BASTARDO!!!”

Oh and I forgot to mention.. William has a blog too.

Feel free to pay a visit and leave the following comment
“BASTARDDOO!!!”


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The Day I Saved Our Leetle Dotcom

I got the bad news on a Thursday afternoon just half an hour before the clock hit 5pm.

Faced with this situation, I didn’t know what to do.

I was stressed but I knew I had to do something.

Morale in my little dotcom was waning, productivity was falling and if I didn’t find a solution to this problem soon, all the work we’ve done in the past few months would be wasted.

The dotcom that I had big dreams for would burn to the ground.
I was scared.

I thought about all the people I would disappoint if this were to fall through.

I thought about my disappointed Father and Mother who believed in my ability to be a successful entrepreneur.

I thought about the uncles and friends who would look at my failure and say
“I told you that you should’ve worked for a few years to gain experience first… you didn’t listen to me!”

And most importantly, I thought about the sleepless nights I would have wondering how our leetle dotcom would’ve changed the world if I had prepared myself for circumstances like this.

The fear or failing so early in the game forced me to pull myself together and find a solution.

I knew that unlike all the problems before, this problem couldn’t so easily be solved over the phone.

I had to get out of the office and head to my supplier’s place right away to find the
solution.

I was out of my office and in my car in 5 minutes, racing to the supplier’s place before she shut at 5pm.

Luck wasn’t on my side.

I kept getting red lights at every traffic light junction wasting even more precious time. I reached my supplier’s place at the stroke of 5pm.

She refused to help me at first saying that she was done working for the day but I pleaded with her.

I convinced her that if she were to let our company burn to the ground now, she will lose the big potential of our business in future and that it was in her best interest to keep us afloat.

I convinced her that if she failed to help us now and we survived this turbulence, we will ensure that all her competitors made plenty of money from us and she made none.

She relented at first but she eventually gave in to me passing me the package that I had come for.


With the package in hand,
I rushed back to the office.

My heart was filled with fear that I wouldn’t make it back in time.

This time, not only were the traffic lights against me… but big fat Magnolia trucks were getting in my way. I barely parked my car when I reached my office and I rushed up the lift.

Watching the floor number gradually increase, I began to wonder if this was going to be the last time I was going up this same lift with a company to go up to.

The lift beeped and threw its doors open for me.

I ran right into my office to deliver the package in time to find my two colleagues looking at my puffed face with me panting like I had just ran a marathon.

They opened the package in relief to find the solution to their problem.

The Char Koay Teow that will ease their hunger. Now they would be able to work without feeling hungry… Our leetle dotcom was saved… all thanks to the supplier that cared enough to fry us a few more packets of Char Koay Teow before she closed for the day.

On behalf of our tiny dotcom, I would like to say thank you to the nice Char Koay Teow lady.

Oh Come On !!!

I’ve been getting an increasing number of e-mails from my readers in the past couple of weeks and somehow most of the time when I reply those e-mails, the responses I get run along the lines of

“Wow I didn’t expect you to actually reply my e-mail!!!”.

Come on guys! What the hell is this about?!?!

Just like how I reply comments, if anyone takes the effort to write me an e-mail I WILL reply.
(Sometimes I may take a little longer to reply but I still do)
.

What’s interesting though is that one of the readers that wrote to me lately is a very nice girl named “May” from the Netherlands!

Another reader from the Netherlands… WOOOHOOO!!!

The first being Jackson of course (Yes Jackson… I haven’t forgotten you…).

THE NETHERLANDS WOOOHOOO!!!

Where weed is legal and sex is museum-worthy…Note: In case any of you are wondering… as much as I look high in the picture above… I wasn’t… honest…

See??? I don’t look high here right?
Right?

Anyway, on a completely different note… I forgot to mention that my Singaporean business partner (Ming) has set up a blog of his own some time back.

Check it out here and give him some love… his dog just died and he’s very very very depressed.

What To Do When Your Friend Gets High

My friends and I just realised how age was catching up with us.

When we were still students, we used to get high all the time and do rather silly things to keep ourselves entertained.

But in the past year, all of us have ceased student life and started on the new working life.

Since then we noticed that our social life has slowed down.

No longer do we find the energy in ourselves to go clubbing or drinking till late at night.No longer do we even talk about cars or football or girls… all we talk about now is work, work and work.

Over the long Raya weekend, we decided that things had to change (even if it was just for one night).

We got everyone over to my place one night for a drinking and karaoke session.

The night started out slow.

Everyone was being… “grown-up”.

But 1 and a half bottles of Black Label later, the alcohol started to take effect.

Everyone was high… and happy…. until one of my friends suddenly fell to the ground.

Now when your friend falls to the ground seemingly because of excessive alcohol consumption… what do you do?

Step 1: Pretend to be a caring friend and help him up.

Step 2: Bring him to the nearest toilet bowl and get him to puke.

Step 3: Lay him to rest on the nearest couch.


Step 4: Take turns to take pictures with his butt-crack.


Step 5: Upload the pictures on to a blog to share with the world…

Step 6: Apologise to your friend for making public his butt-crack and promise that you’ll never do it again (even if you know you are going to do it again next week).

Ahh… I feel young again…

The Taugeh

Let me tell you a story I recently heard from a friend (which I will refer to here as Bush).

Bush was out with his friends at the local char koay teow stall having lunch.

When the time came for them to order, one of Bush’s friends
(which I will refer to here as Entau Bah)

specifically ordered
“Char Koay Teow mai taugeh” (Char Koay Teow without taugeh).
Bush thought it was a little weird since most Penang people eat taugeh (though Stewie here doesn’t), so he asked Entau Bah why didn’t he eat tau geh.

Entau Bah calmly replied
“Aihhh… long story lar… dowan talk about it”…

That was an answer Bush wasn’t willing to accept so he pushed harder and finally Entau Bah let it out

“Well ok lar… I tell you. Last time I was having anal sex with my gf. Then when I pulled out my penis I saw a half digested taugeh attached to it… so now I don’t eat tau geh anymore”.DID YOU HEAR THAT?!?!?!?
HE PULLED OUT A HALF DIGESTED TAUGEH FROM HER BUTT (which was probably his punishment for having anal sex in the first place).

The poor guy must’ve been traumatised.
Yet, I couldn’t help but wonder…

What did they do after he pulled out the tau geh from her butt…

I could think two scenarios.

I one scenario, the girlfriend could’ve been a little embarrassed, giggle and say
“Oh sorry about that… must’ve been from the koay teow soup I had last week.”

then take the half digested beansprout from his hand and put it in her mouth.

But I reckon the more likely scenario would be…
“Darling… if you love me… eat the taugeh… or I share with you… I eat half you eat half”.

The poor dude probably has nightmares of him being lost in mountains of taugeh. To the guys who’re reading this, I bet you’re all thinking how you could avoid this bad experience

(Which is perfectly natural since we don’t like to make the same mistake others make right? Well done).

So if the solution you’re thinking is
“Hmm ok I think I better not have (or think of having) anal sex anymore”…

then good for you.

But if you’re thinking

“Hmm.. ok I better make sure my girlfriend doesn’t eat tau geh before we have anal sex”… then… congratulations.. you’re officially more of a bastard than I am

Successful Fraudsters

A few weeks ago, my colleague gave me 5 CDs worth of a seminar titled “Hypnotic Selling” by a man named Marshall Sylver.
Knowing that I would soon have to start doing a sales job for my little dotcom, I decided to listen to the audio while working (whoever said men can’t multi-task).

I always fear two things when buying books or going for seminars.

1) That the book/seminar author/speaker turns out to be the Master of the Obvious. For example, books in MPH with titles like “How to be a millionaire?” end up telling you things like

“To make money… you have to buy low and sell high”

In which upon reading such material you think to yourself:
WOAAAAHH.. THAT IS DEEP… Thank you for telling me something I couldn’t possibly have figured out myself.

Why don’t you tell me more things that I can’t possibly figure out myself… that “fingernails grow” or “ice cubes are cold”.
2) That the book/seminar tells you to things that are good in concept but not specific enough to apply in real life.

For example,
If you want to be a good salesman, every time before you do a sales pitch, visualise in your mind that you do a flawless presentation and believe that the client will say YES. You can only do it if you believe you can do it!

I don’t know about everyone else but when I read/hear things like that, I feel like not only have I not learned anything from that sentence but that I’ve actually grown dummer just by listening to it.

Ok back to Marshall Slyver.By the time I had reached halfway into his seminar (after forwarding a lot of rubbish), I began to doubt this guy. I looked for him on Wikipedia but I didn’t find anything there.

Then I got suspicious.

I Googled “Marshall Slyver” and there it was.

His website saying how he was one of the most sought-after speakers in the world.

Sure.. it was HIS website.

If I ever had a TimothyTiah.com, I would have it say that I have a penis the size of a whale.

So then I Googled “Marshall Slyver Fraud” and the truth came out.

The man was hardly a sales man.

In fact, he was just a hypnotist performer at Las Vegas.


Now would you take lessons on “How To Sell” from a “Stage Performer” ?
(And NO, eventhough his seminar was called “Hypnotic Selling”, it had nothing to do with how to hypnotise an eskimo to get him to buy ice from you).

That’s like taking flying lessons from an elephant.Now only was he never a salesman, he is a fraudster who wound up in court for “Obtaining money under false pretenses.”

(The story goes that he gave a course that teached everyone to be a millionaire with a money back guarantee. When people went for his course and realised that it was bullshit, they demanded they money back but he didn’t keep up to his word).

This reminds me of Robert Kiyosaki.
We all remember Robert the Man for his book “Rich Dad Poor Dad“.

I remember reading his book ages ago after everybody kept telling me how good his book was.

I read his book with excitement. By the time I had finished his book I felt like a genius.

It was the best book I had ever read (at the time).

He gave me brilliant advice like
“the reason you want to have rich friends” is to get inside stock market information that you can make low-risk profits.

Sounds like a plan!

But after I finished the book I started thinking… ok … how exactly do I apply it to my life?

For example, I know that I’m supposed to have rich friends but how do I get to know them?

(Another good example of telling you something so vague that it’s hardly specific enough to be applicable at all in life)
So I did some research on who he really is and found out that he wasn’t that multi-millionaire that he claimed to be before he wrote the book.

And even after writing so many books, one which was very successful, he is still no where near as rich as he claims to be.

But that’s not all, most of the things that were written in the book about his experiences and even the characters… were all fiction!

“Rich Dad” in the book is as real as “Harry Potter”.
(But I won’t bore you with the details of the Robert Kiyosaki’s fraud, read them here if you want).

At the end of the day, I took the CDs of Marshall Sylver’s seminar back to my colleague and said

“Thanks so much for the CDs dude. I have some bad news for you though… the man is a fraud… and has probably never even sold food to a starving rich man before in his life”.

If my colleague was shocked he didn’t show it.

I then went on to say
“Next time before we decide to listen to anyone else’s advice… try to find out who you’re taking the advice from.”

Then to illustrate my point I said

“If Timothy Tiah gave you advice… you’ll tell him to go dildo himself right?”

Priceless Support

I checked my lengmoublogs@yahoo.com mailbox today to find numerous e-mails sent to me from my readers, telling me the truth… that what I did wasn’t something to be proud of… but they understand why I did it and that it was the right thing to do. Understanding that it was not only painful for Baby but also painful for me.

I decided that I had to take an hour out of my day to reply all these e-mails to tell them how I appreciate their support that lie not solely for me but also for Baby.

Lets also not forget the encouraging comments that I have gotten from the rest of you guys.

I just have to say…

Thank You…

You guys are the only reason why I keep blogging today…

*Well ok… you guys AND Adsense…. Adsense helps me pay my Indah Water bill every month. Without that I would have to crap in a bucket and empty the bucket in my neighbour’s drain every day.

Taking It Down

It’s been almost 24 hours since I made that entry about my painful ending with Baby.

By now, most of my friends all over the world and most of the readers who matter to me know exactly what happened and would hopefully stop asking me what happened.

So.. since the news is out… I’ve decided to take down the blog entry.

It’s not something I wanted to keep on my blog for long.

Yet, thanks very much for all your comments.

I have learned much from them.

In the past 24 hours, I’ve learned that it didn’t matter if I was unhappy or that my heart had changed, I should have kept the relationship I had with Baby and deal with the unhappiness as long as I didn’t break her heart. Her happiness is all that matters.

I have also learned that I need an excuse to break up with a girl just like I need an excuse for being late for work.

And I understand now that eventhough this is my personal blog, it is never appropriate for me to write personal things on it that say anything more about me than “I went to KFC today”.

Yet, thank you all for being brutally honest.

Though I may not agree with all of your views, I truly appreciate the insight many of them have given me.

Once again, I am sorry to disappointed so many of you.

Reminding Poor People That They Are Poor

Rich people sometimes need others to sometimes remind them that they’re rich.

Which is why sometimes they buy huge houses like this.

Since the knee-jerk reaction to anyone else seeing you with a house like this would be
“HOLY F*CK YOU ARE RICH!!! TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU!!! ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!!!!”

In which the rich guy could then attempt to be humble and say
“No lar.. cheap cheap only this house. My bedroom is only a little bit bigger than that island you come from…. what’s it called again? Penang?”.

Now just like rich people… poor people like myself must also be reminded that we are poor so that we’ll feel more down and push ourselves off a cliff.

I came back from my tiring day at work yesterday, walked into my room and sat on my study table for a few seconds.

There it was, sitting on my table and staring right at me was an envelope with my name and address on it. I opened it only to find a letter from Citigroup Wealth Management.I thought to myself
“COOL!!! I have PRIVATE BANKERS managing my WEALTH!!!”

(Forgetting at that point that in order to have private bankers managing your wealth, I need to have wealth to manage first).

So I studied the contents of the letter and found this.
That’s right.

All the summary said was that my portfolio was worth RM 0.00 at current price.

Note that they could have said it was worth RM 0 but nooooo… they decided that they had to make a point by adding another two zeros at the end of that figure.

They might as well have said RM0.0000000.

So there you have it.

My imaginary private bankers reminding me that I am poor… and that I HAVE NO ASSETS.

I didn’t dare read the rest of the letter for fear that the back of the letter might say
“Since you are POOR and have NO MONEY and are WORTHLESS to us… please pay us a fee of RM500 for this letter that we have just sent you”.

Boss Stewie is POOR…

Boss Stewie Will Blog For Food

Life in a Leetle Dotcom

Alright I’ve been a bit held up with work lately. Believe it or not, I’ve been learning how to do Accounting for my little dotcom.

No no nooo.. not the kind of accounting we did in Form 5 where we
CREDIT – AKAUN MODAL AH SENG and
DEBIT – AKAUN KERETA LEMBU…


I mean proper accounting.

Yes… it’s sad… our little dotcom is so poor, I’m the Sales, Marketing, Operations, HR and Finance guy all in one.
Just the other day somebody called my office. I picked up and heard the caller’s sweet voice “Hello… could you please put me to your HR department please?”

I paused for a moment while I thought about what she just said. It took me only 3 seconds to realise that I was also the HR so I told her

“HR Department? Please hold on a second miss. I’ll put you through right away”.

I put her on hold and counted to 5.

Then I picked up the phone again and said in the poor British accent I managed to acquire while studying in London for 3 years

“Hello this is HR…” Yes… we are sooo understaffed but that can’t be helped considering we’re a tiny poor company.

It makes me wonder how a company like Google could find it in itself to start off for many many years without even generating a cent of revenue in this little garage.
I wonder how the founders slept at night.

We’re so understaffed my partner Ming and I considered getting interns to work with us in our Penang office (Ming is based in our Singapore office).

We posted an ad on Jobstreet and we got a lot applicants coming in, but when I sent an e-mail to the ones worth interviewing to say
“I just want you to be clear that this is an INTERNSHIP so we will only provide you with a small allowance and not the salary of a full-time partner in our company”

(I call everyone in our little dotcom a “partner”. I have never referred to anyone as an “employee” and I’ve never referred to myself as a “Boss” ).

But of the 10 e-mails I’ve sent out to potential interviewees, none of them were interested and most of them didn’t even bother to reply.

Which made a little bit of sense since most of the applicants were already graduates.

If you’ve already graduated… you’d better be finding a proper job and not doing an unpaid relationship unless you’re with a company you really believe would be phenomenal one day and you desperately want to be a part of it.

For example, if I had a chance to intern at Apple Computers when it was still a startup… I would probably have joined the company in the end, benefitted from the stock options and would today be a very rich man.
Ahhh…. when I was a student I was always keen on doing internships during our holidays.

I remember the first interview I went for in my life which was for an internship position in an investment bank (which I later got)… the interviewer asked me

“So… do you have any commitments… or a girlfriend or anything?”

I looked at him a little surprise at the question and said

“No I don’t officially have a girlfriend… why ask?” (it was true at the time)

He gave me a rather weird look and said

“Because over here, we work at least 12 hours a day and you will not have much of a social life”.

That meant no more partying like this on weeknights.
(I’m the drunk dude on the right in this picture)

When I convinced him that I was more than ready for a job like that he then asked me
“So how much do you expect to get paid?”


I said
“Nothing… I would work your 12-16 hour days for free.The value of what I will learn from working here will be so much more than any money you can offer me at this stage
“.

In the end he still paid me a very generous salary…

Almost triple the salary that the standard intern in Malaysia gets (among the ones that get paid of course. Some interns don’t get paid).

I learned plenty in my internships. I met up with the corporate heads of Malaysia CEOs and MDs of countless public listed companies and it was fun eventhough interns are usually the silent participants in these meetings.

Meaning we just sit down, listen and take notes… we don’t say anything or ask any questions… we don’t even ask if we can go to the toilet.

My favourite was a meeting with Zainal Amanshah of Redtone.
He spoke very very well in the meeting and knew exactly what he was talking about.

But what is far more important is that the internships I did over my summer holidays helped broaden my horizons to see what I really wanted to do with my life.

Fortunately, our dotcom has managed to inspire a few people who insisted they wanted to work for us even if it was for free.

Lets not forget Mohd Zacky who was with us in our early days helping us put together the computers we now use to work out magic. He has now gone to gone back to college to finish his degree.

Of course to really have interns, our little dotcom would have to prove itself in becoming a fairly successful company to attract the interest of the mass crowd.

But ironically, when we do get to that stage, we probably wouldn’t need to hire interns anymore.

Anyway, enough about my Little Dotcom Sdn Bhd.

On other issues… I thought I should give some credit to Koyuuken who wrote about Boss Lepton and I in his blog here.

And for those of you who read my blog at work and need some cheering up…

Check out this video by Russell Peters.. he’s hilarious.

ME LOVE RUSSELL PETERS LONG TIME!

But me love all you guys who read my blog regularly even longer time ok?

That includes Lance, Suicidal, Mz, Chapree, Jackson, Cely, William, Gwen, Jason, Smash… and everyone else I may have missed out.

Colony