TimothyTiah.com

Stewie By Day… “Pelacur Lelaki” by Night

Google is one of the best things that has ever happened to the internet.

Now whenever you’re looking for something online or even offline, just type your wish in Google and it will bring you to it.

Larry Page (one of Google’s founders) recently said that in spite of having the best search engine today, there is still room for much improvement.

I used to think to myself
What? But you guys are already so good at finding the RIGHT things“.

As of today… I take those words back.

I was looking through my site stats today and I happened to find someone who came to my blog after Googling “Pelacur Lelaki” (Male Prostitute)Naturally, my first reaction was WHAT DA FLYING FUK?!”

And I remembered that I never once wrote those words on my blog!

But when I checked it out I found the reason.

One of my readers (Gwen) had left it in the comments for one of my previous posts here.

Her exact comment read
Menjadi pelacur lelaki adalah satu perkhidmatan terhadap Negara anda. Jangan ditipu oleh orang dewasa, inilah amalan mulia.

Stewie boleh!!!”

Thanks for the “Google Bombing” Gwen…

I appreciate it.

Now would you like to leave more comments on my blog?

Why stop at “Pelacur Lelaki”?

Why don’t go on to terms like “Pemborong Kondom” or “Penghisap Kotek”.

I know the rest of you guys would be itching to make fun of this.

But oh well… what is there if we can’t laugh about it together.

So there…go ahead and make all the fun you want.

You bastards!

You know you want to.

PS: Larry… when you have the time… please fix Google… it’s clearly broken…


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Stewie By Day… "Pelacur Lelaki" by Night

Google is one of the best things that has ever happened to the internet.

Now whenever you’re looking for something online or even offline, just type your wish in Google and it will bring you to it.

Larry Page (one of Google’s founders) recently said that in spite of having the best search engine today, there is still room for much improvement.

I used to think to myself
What? But you guys are already so good at finding the RIGHT things“.

As of today… I take those words back.

I was looking through my site stats today and I happened to find someone who came to my blog after Googling “Pelacur Lelaki” (Male Prostitute)Naturally, my first reaction was WHAT DA FLYING FUK?!”

And I remembered that I never once wrote those words on my blog!

But when I checked it out I found the reason.

One of my readers (Gwen) had left it in the comments for one of my previous posts here.

Her exact comment read
Menjadi pelacur lelaki adalah satu perkhidmatan terhadap Negara anda. Jangan ditipu oleh orang dewasa, inilah amalan mulia.

Stewie boleh!!!”

Thanks for the “Google Bombing” Gwen…

I appreciate it.

Now would you like to leave more comments on my blog?

Why stop at “Pelacur Lelaki”?

Why don’t go on to terms like “Pemborong Kondom” or “Penghisap Kotek”.

I know the rest of you guys would be itching to make fun of this.

But oh well… what is there if we can’t laugh about it together.

So there…go ahead and make all the fun you want.

You bastards!

You know you want to.

PS: Larry… when you have the time… please fix Google… it’s clearly broken…

Step Up

Last weekend, a friend of mine asked me out to watch a dance movie called Step Up.

I told him that I honestly wasn’t very keen when it came to dancing movies. Not because I don’t appreciate good dancing, but because I would rather watch dancing without the cheesey plots of their movies.

But since it was the 101th time he had asked me for a movie in spite of me turning him down the rest of the time, I decided to do a bit of National Service and go for it.

There we were, a bunch of guys… all rushing off to watch a dance movie!

I remember how one of my girlfriends in the past always begged me to go watch dance movies with her but I always found an excuse not to go.

And now.. here I was…. going for a dance movie with a bunch of guys.

I surprise myself sometimes.

Anyway, I must say the movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The plot was indeed cheesey and unoriginal but I thought the script was fairly well-written and the actors/actresses weren’t too bad.

What I didn’t quite fancy though… was the dancing.

At the beginning of the movie there was a party scene when the main actor was shown dancing with a girl.

I’m not sure about everyone else but my impression of dancing is… moving with the beat.

All the dude was doing was moving real fast… just like some of the drunk guys I’ve seen in clubs in Penang.

And heck… the camera focused on him like it was the highlight of the show… like it was trying to show the audience what a fantastic dancer he is.

I don’t know.. maybe I just didn’t see it… did you guys think his dancing at that part was fantastic?

(The rest of the dancing scenes in the movie were of different types of dancing and weren’t as bad but they weren’t great as well)

To me… we don’t have to look much further than the streets of Korea to see good dancing.

Check this video out.


Now in my opinion… THAT… is GOOD DANCING…

I’m Bringing Sexy Back

One of my readers happened to say to me the other day
“Boss Stewie… you are not a true blogger because you never camwhore… real bloggers camwhore!”.

And to that I will now reply…

I don’t camwhore because of 2 reasons.

Because I am not a hot girl and because I am not a hot girl
(okay maybe that counts as only one reason
).

And also because…. lets face it… all of you who read my blog do so NOT because you want to see me snap a million pictures of myself and put them up here.

But ahhh… I often give my readers what they want.

So yesterday after work I went home… and took a few pictures for you guys.

And there you have it.

My best attempt at camwhoring!Yes… I looked nervous because unlike other bloggers… I am a little camera shy.

And of course, at an attempt to look less pretentious and more myself, I put on my big fat white cap.

Don’t mind my weird smile.
It’s the result of trying not to laugh knowing how stupid I look with that cap on.

Come to think of it… I think I’m going to consider making this the dress code in my leetle dotcom.

Everyone must come to work in a long-sleeve shirt with tie AND a BIG FAT VON DUTCH cap to make it look like everyone in the company from Malaysia to Singapore has big big brains.

I’m bringing sexy back…

Meeting Readers in Penang

Just a few days ago I decided to meet up with two faithful readers of my tiny blog: Eve and Ai Ling.
Like typical Penangnites, we went for a hawker food lunch which the girls generously paid for before I could get my hands on the tab.

So to return the favour, I bought them coffee later at Coffee Bean where we had a little chat among ourselves.

I was on a trigger happy mood that day when it came to snapping pictures.

So much that both Eve and Ai Ling were bordering PISSED OFF when it came to me snapping candid pictures of them.

The funny thing about photos is that some people look different when they’re posing for the camera than when they have candid shots taken of them.

Candid shots sometimes yield Funny results”.

For example,

This is how I normally would look when I’m prepared for the camera shot.
And this is how I look when the sonofabitch photographer takes a picture of me without warning.
William Hung’s mother once told the press NOT to take pictures of her son from beneath the chin because it makes him look fat.

I shall get my mother to do a similar press release for me.

The good news is that this is only the case for SOME people… not all…

Some people look the same in whatever camera shots you take of them.

Allow me to illustrate.

This is how Eve normally looks when you take a PROPER photo of her.A very very stunning girl in real life… so much that even this picture doesn’t do justice.

And this is how Eve looks… when I take bad candid pictures of her.

Or when I take even worse candid pictures of her.
Now lets move on to Ai Ling.

This is Ai Ling when she’s posing for the shot.And Ai Ling when she’s not prepared for the shot.


See the difference?

No? Because there ISN’T a difference…

Ai Ling is in the category of: immune to “looking funny in candid shots“.

So there you have it.

Everybody…

Meet Eve and Ai Ling.

Eve: You still love me right? Right????

What Women Want

A week ago, I had a long chat with one of my old friends whom I will refer to here as Carrie.

Carrie is one of those rare HOT girls that you can keep as a strictly platonic friend.

In the real world, if a guy thinks a girl is hot.. he’s always gonna keep trying to hump her.

I mean… you guys understand that right?

Allow me to illustrate…

Now unless you have no penis (or a very confused one)

How in the world… do you be STRICTLY FRIENDS with a girl like this
EVEN MORE SO IF SHE’S PERMANENTLY DRESSED LIKE THAT.

Anyway Carrie was telling me about Janet, one of our hot common friends who recently broke up with her boyfriend.

Janet is a whole different ball game altogether.

Being the top in her class at college, Janet is clearly one of those rare girls that are not only incredibly hot and sexy but also unbelievably smart.

Not just book smart… but REALLY SMART.
(You’d be able to tell just by talking to her for 5 minutes)

Janet’s boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) on the other hand were one of those “cool” guys at college… you know… the kind that always dresses well and wears sunglasses like this So physically, they were pretty much a good match. Hot and Cool.

They went out for a year plus and were pretty much a happy couple.

So I asked Carrie what went wrong in their relationship.

And the answer that Carrie gave me… was a little of a shock.

Carrie said
“She felt that her boyfriend wasn’t very smart or ambitious…”.

Then it hit me, just a week before that I heard about another friend who dumped her boyfriend not because he was ugly or because she got bored of him… but because he wasn’t “smart or ambitious”.

The funny thing though… was that the guy she’s with at the moment… is hardly smart or ambitious!

All he does is play games and surf Friendster all day.So I asked her shamelessly one day (Able to be blunt because she’s a pretty good friend)

“You dumped your previous boyfriend because he wasn’t smart or ambitious.

Your current boyfriend is hardly ambitious unless working to have 10 level 60 characters in World of Warcraft and three Friendster accounts with 500 friends each is the kind of ambition you’re looking fo
r.

He talks about nothing else but cars, football and games… obviously not exactly the smartest person around… so what’s the difference?

She looked at me, giggled and whispered in my ear
“Well this boyfriend is already rich… he doesn’t have to be ambitious.”

So I started thinking…

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE GOOD OLD SCHOOL DAYS WHEN ALL THAT MATTERED WAS
“I like you… you like me… lets hold hands and kiss
“?
Now not only do we have to “PRETEND TO BE RICH” but we also have to pretend to be smart and ambitious!!!

I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to get myself a copy of Forbes magazine and MEMORISE EVERY LINE.

Then the next time I’m out with a girl I like I’m going to randomly recite

“The average Japanese couple spends $210,000 per child on food, clothing, entertainment and education”.Then she’s going to say
“WHAT?!”

And I would reply her

“The free linux operating system set off one of the biggest revolutions in the history of computing when it leapt from the fingertips of a Finnish college kid named Linus Torvalds 15 years ago”.

And I’m also going to tell her that I have big big plans to be richer than Bill Gates one day.Then she’ll think that I’m smart AND ambitious… and we’ll both get married and live happily ever after

(at least until she realises that I’m poor, fat, dumb and a slacker… but by then it’ll be too late… BWHAAHAHHA).

Bloggers’ Year End Party

The Ah Beng named Wingz from Rojaks is planning a blogger gathering for the 30th of December 2006 (Saturday) which I think will be great fun.

It’s going to be held at Federal Hotel in KL.

Now my schedule looks pretty busy for the end of this year so I wasn’t supposed to be going especially since it’s so near New Year’s Eve.

But according to Wingz, I told him earlier that the date was okay and also according to him he planned some kind of surprise for me so if I didn’t attend it, I would ruin his plans.So fine!

I am going… it’s going to set me back by another RM100 but I’ll still go.

There you have it… if you ever want Boss Stewie to go anywhere with you, just convince him that he promised you before (even if he didn’t) and he will go.

And I’m probably going to have to take a flight from Penang or Singapore to KL, but I’ll still go… ISH…

So if you guys want to go and watch me being left out in a company of bloggers, check out Wingz’s post here.

Note to my PA: Julia, please put this down in my schedule for the 30th of December 2006.

Time Magazine of 6 November

I was just reading the latest Time Magazine issue of 6 November 2006.

Now on its cover is our beloved leader for many many years Tun Dr M.

So naturally… as a proud Malaysian, if you ever see a Malaysian on the cover of TIME Magazine… you don’t ask questions.. you BUY IT.

Now there is one thing I really love about TIME Magazine.

Within the first few pages there is always a column that states numbers… for example

1.65 Billion is the amount that Google paid for Youtube in shares.or

1.3 Billion is the population of China alone.

or

38 is the number of people who read Boss Stewie’s blog every day.

or even

2 is the number of testicles the average man has.

This month’s issue had numbers I really liked.

First it said

1,508 Average number of condoms sold per day by South Korea’s Family Mart convenience stores.

and then it went on to say1,930 Average daily number of condoms they sold in the week following North Korea’s Oct. 9 nuclear test, prompting speculation that stress from the test led to a rise in sexual activity among South Koreans.

So it IS TRUE… people have sex more often when they are more stressed.

In times of recession, people will spend less money on most things but MORE MONEY ON CONDOMS.

Which brings us to the next question?

Why do condom brands like Durex bother to do any advertising at all?
(Ok we don’t see much Durex advertising in Malaysia but I saw plenty while in the UK).

They should focus their efforts instead on creating more stress for people all around the world!

WOOHOO!!!

PS: I have set up a little Meebo box on the right so that I could get to know some of my readers so that some of you could tell me what a fat bastard I am.

It’s going to be up for a limited time only and please keep in mind that I might not be able to reply everyone instantly since most of the time that I’m online… I’m at work. 😛

UPDATE: Ok… I know many of you have been sending me messages through Meebo but I haven’t been able to reply on time either because I’m working or I’m away from the computer and by the time I get back… you guys are gone.

My apologies for that.

My Precious…

Since I came back from the UK, plenty of my friends were merciless in pointing out how fat I had become.

Fast forward 4 months later to now, I had lost much of my weight and gained back my toned body thanks to my religious visits to Fitness First which greets me with this sign every time I go there.But I believe in rewarding good behaviour.

Some people who long to keep slim and practice refrain from certain indulgences still do indulge in ice-cream once in a while.

So I decided to do the same.

Yesterday, I walked into Haagen Dazs in Pulau Tikus.
I walked straight to the counter where I took my time to decide what kind of ice-cream I was going to have.

A little less than 5 minutes later, I decided that I was going to have the Green Tea.

The man behind the counter very politely greeted me and offered his help
“Can I help you sir?”

I gave him a quick look and said
“I have decided to go for the green tea. Could I please have the Green Tea for take-away?”.

He smiled and said
“Yes sir… what size would you want? Pint size?”

I looked at him with a bit of disbelief and said
“No… much bigger…

While glancing at the Haagen Dazs logo high up on the wall that was smiling down at me.He pointed at an empty container which represented the quad size and said
“You want Quad Size?”

I said
“No… much bigger”.

Then he took out the largest container they had and said
“This is the largest we have Sir…”

Unsatisfied, I pointed at the ice-cream in the fridge and said
“That is NOT the largest size you have.

You see all those buckets that you scoop my ice-cream out of? Why don’t you just sell me the whole bucket…”
Showing a little bit of confusion he said
“The whole CAN?!?! … Sorry Sir, I don’t think we can sell you that…”

I insisted and he checked with his manager who agreed.

They priced the whole bucket of Green Tea ice-cream at RM505… a small price to pay for… My Precious.

I walked out of Haagen Daz a happy man…. with My Precious...Loaded it into my car and went home.

At home, I spent the next one hour admiring My Precious.


The label on its top reminded me that I was about to eat 9.46 litres
(probably enough ice-cream to give diabetes to the entire population of a small country).

But I ripped off the top cover in denial and stared at the beautiful sea of green tea…

Ahh there it was… enough ice-cream to last me the weekend.

I quickly changed into my comfortable very very old t-shirt and shorts that I wear to sleep and dragged My Precious with me into the living room.

Armed with a tablespoon, I turned on the TV and got started.To Julia (My New PA): Please hold all my calls.

Boss Stewie is NOT to be disturbed this weekend.

Obesity… here I come….

The UBS Software Story

We do everything ourselves in our little dotcom.

My partner Ming agreed to do our company secretarial duties and I have agreed to take on the accounts.

I spent the last few weeks learning accounting and learning how to use accounting software.

But… accounting software is not free.

Being poor, we’ve explored many options.

I tried using Open-Sourced Accounting Software like Turbocash but it wasn’t very helpful. The only option was to buy the original software (and no… as poor as we are… we don’t use fake software that cost RM7).

Doing some research on the internet and trying out the trial versions of all sorts of accounting software, I decided to go for UBS, which is done by Malaysians (Malaysia Boleh!).

I called up a company in Penang to ask about its price and they faxed me a quotation. That’s right, RM1,749 just for use in a SINGLE PC.

The software on its own cost RM999 but the training and maintenance contract made up the difference. I couldn’t believe it.

I called up the distributor again saying
“WHAT?! I don’t want the whole package!

You have to break it up for me… I just want the software… sure the maintenance contract and all is good but I’m not paying RM400 just for maintenance for a year.. it’s SOFTWARE I’m buying here.. It’s not machinery!!!”.

The woman on the other side of the phone said
“Ok ok.. I’ll sell you just the software alone RM999”.

I asked for a discount and she told me
“Ok… I can give you RM960”.

I hung up and thought to myself that at least I got a bit of discount.

Then I started thinking again.

I started thinking about the whole business as a whole and looked at the list of distributors all around Malaysia that I managed to obtain.

There were so many distributors.

I’m sure a company the size of UBS would insist that it’s distributors keep to it’s listing price and at most only allow a 5% discount.

Then I thought again about the margin of selling each unit of the software ie how much money they make from each unit they sell.

Unlike many other goods, the marginal cost of each unit of software is minimal.

Most of the cost involved in producing the software is in the R&D, so once the company has done its R&D, it’s compelled to sell as much as it could as its price.
But since the marginal cost is so low, the margin to the distributor and UBS of selling each product should be quite high meaning there had to be distributors out there who were willing to give a big discount in order to close a sale.

But what do I know… I’m just a little kid who has yet to see much of the world.

I decided to work with my curiousity.

I called up a few more distributors I had on my list and they all quoted me the same price giving only a little bit of a discount.

The memory of me paying the expensive price for my Dreamweavers and Adobe Photoshop months ago came back and I got pissed. I was determined to get a better discount!

I ended up calling all the distributors in Penang and even some on the mainland in KL. Finally, some of them started to offer me the software for RM899.

I called back the distributors I had called before and said that I had another offer for RM899 and asked them if they could match the offer. After many more calls I finally got as low as RM699 from a distributor in the mainland.

Yet, the thought of going over to the mainland just to buy this software was not very appealing to me.

Not to mention, after some negotiation with one of the dealers in Penang which I will refer to here as Mr Tan, I managed to seal myself an offer for RM760 and with FREE maintenace visits should I have any problems.

Also, rather than buying 6 hours of training that I had to use within one month for RM350, Mr Tan agreed to give me private training as and when I needed them for RM60 for two hours.

That means for RM350 I won’t only get 6 hours but instead get 11.6 hours (double the time). I was willing to close the deal with Mr Tan but I wanted the best of both worlds ie the best price, the flexible classes and the free maintenance.
I called up Mr Tan again

Mr Tan, I have got another offer for RM699 so instead of giving me RM760, if you can match this other company’s offer I will buy the software from you.”

Mr Tan took less than a second to respond

Ok fine lar fine lar… I will give you RM699. Actually it’s they themselves who said that we’re not allowed to give too much of a discount but since everyone is fighting for it I’ll give it to you for that price“.

We closed the deal and a few days later the software arrived.

Can you believe this little USB License Key cost me RM699!!! Then again, I’m glad I got my 30% discount (with all the extra benefits for free)… or I would have lost another ball.

Of course, I could’ve tried to push it down to get it for RM599 or lower instead.

But I believe that since this guy was giving us free service whenever we need it… squeezing him too hard might affect our relationship and he might be less willing to keep up to his “free servicing” part of the deal.

So yayy!!! I get to keep my right ball.

By the way… have you guys heard? Wingz is looking to employ … hahahahaha

Colony